|Reviews for Yesterday's Toys|
| The Warrior Poet chapter 10 . 4/17/2018
I like the first two paragraphs of this chapter because they read like a little essay right in the middle of your narrative.
It’s a bit of a weird analogy but the way you are jumping between your two POV’s, interludes, etc. reminds me of watching someone who is really good at dribbling a basketball. Back and forth, right to left, through the legs, bouncing high, bouncing low. This constant movement is keeping your story from stagnating, and I have to say that I am surprised to find it working for me. A lot of POV jumps are not something I usually like in a story, but you seem to be executing it well.
| The Warrior Poet chapter 9 . 4/17/2018
Ah, the genesis.
I liked this chapter for the background it provides, and the glimpses of your hypothetical future. Family as an antiquated notion was one that stuck out to me specifically. As much as I hate to admit it, I already see the family unit evaporating here in 2018, so for your future timeline to reflect that (at least in Jayyes’s view) is believable to me.
I can’t argue with her logic for abandoning the earth, either. Total Cataclysm is never more than one random event away -whether it’s Yellowstone erupting, the ice caps melting, a near earth object colliding with us, or -in this case- a coronal mass ejection.
“The Eggheads,” lol. For Jayyes to refer to the scientific community in this way is somehow very endearing and it makes me like her even more.
| The Warrior Poet chapter 8 . 4/16/2018
“She stood up hurriedly, feeling vaguely rejected by the bed.”
Lol, this is clever. Sounds like a comfy bed, even despite its rejection.
I like the descriptions of the space-age food. This is a very unique addition to make to your worldbuilding, and helps your setting feel more “real”. How ravenous the Golden One’s appetite is did not escape me, and served to add even more tension to an already tension-laced sequence. Clearly, the cubes are not going to quench his appetite forever, and the main course is seated right across the table.
The Golden One does not deny who he is, but what else will he be willing to reveal?
| The Warrior Poet chapter 7 . 4/16/2018
This character is a Hamlet-level overanalyzer.
We only tend to get that way about people we have very strong emotions about, so I am led to believe that whoever this is has a powerful connection with Jayyes, a complex history.
The female entity wants only to consume, but the male is obviously rife with emotions and insecurities when it comes to this woman. Perhaps not the best thing for a symbol that is supposed to be defiant and powerful -the Golden One.
The friction in this conflict is ripe for exploration.
| The Warrior Poet chapter 6 . 4/13/2018
Your exposition about the Draghoul is organic and effective. I can understand now how terrifying these creatures must be, and why the Colonists would go to such extremes as to sacrifice from among their ranks in order to give power to the Golden Ones. Fear makes people do irrational, unthinkable things.
I still don't know the specifics of how the Sacrifice/ Golden One relationship works. It is obviously vampiric in nature, but is vampirism an accepted thing in this world or a feature unique to whatever planet the colonists are inhabiting. I suppose that exposition could be on its way in the coming chapters, as we learn who this person is and how he became the 'Golden One'.
Very good quality writing, and a conflict that is ripe for exploration.
| The Warrior Poet chapter 5 . 4/11/2018
The mystery grows.
The entity known as the golden one is clearly more complicated than at first I guessed. Both a male and a female are mentioned, so which one is the golden one? Both?
We learn also that the male seems to know the protagonist, and that this knowledge has now complicated things. Did affection once exist between them? Could this be the little boy that the protagonist took under her wing? If so, how has he become what he is?
So much left to explore, and I can’t wait to delve deeper.
| The Warrior Poet chapter 4 . 4/11/2018
“Her voice took the lead by launching the challenge”
I love “launching the challenge” -that prose seems to spring off the page.
Slowly, stealthily, the source of the disturbance was approaching.
Slowly, stealthily, the source...very nice alliteration!
You are really nailing the pacing with this chapter. I have a tendency in my own writing to rush a bit form plot point to plot point, but you seem unafraid to take your time and really flesh out the tension. Well done.
Golden One, Draghoul...such delicious little tidbits you are sprinkling for us. This style of exposition, like a building sequence of waves, is really hitting the sweet spot for me. Nothing takes me out of a fantasy story faster than info dumps, and you seem to be avoiding those like the plague.
I am very impressed with what I am reading, and I look forward to seeing what happens next!
| The Warrior Poet chapter 3 . 4/11/2018
Definitely intrigued now.
A new narrator has entered the tale, and you keep whoever they are ambiguous enough to allow for their’s being friend or foe, or one-time friend turned foe. We also learn a little more about your protagonist here as we now see her from a different person’s perspective. I have known a lot of people like her. Assertive, unconcerned with niceties, “get it done.” That kind of attitude can inspire people, but it can also rub them the wrong way. Perhaps this is why the protagonist has ended up in her current dilemma.
The writing style remains strong. Very nice flow to it.
| The Warrior Poet chapter 2 . 4/9/2018
I can tell already that you have a talent for communicating mood. There is a tension here, but a subtle one. Its more like an anxiety for what awaits the protagonist, why she has found herself in this position, who -or what- has confined her? Of course, none of this matters if we don't care much about the character, but you manage to invest the reader in the fate of your protagonist with a relative economy of words. I feel as if I know a lot about her already, although she has just barely been introduced.
She hates waiting. That says so much about her, as does the recollections she has of her (sort of?) love interest and her defense of the dark-eyed boy. You manage to weave some worldbuilding in as well, as we get tantalizing tidbits about the Colony, the space-age materials with which the buildings are constructed, the high rate of infant mortality, the danger that lays outside of the settlement...all very fascinating stuff that I am very much looking forward to learning more about.
Great work, wonderful hook, and an excellent start to what has the potential to be a fantastic story.
| The Warrior Poet chapter 1 . 4/9/2018
An effective prologue which sets the tone and mood of the story without revealing too much.
Interested to learn what a Wiwit is, lol.
| BradytheJust chapter 13 . 4/7/2018
I love journal entries in stories and games, something about seeing information we know presented in a different form really gets to me, And like always you do great things amazingly.
Hearing the Golden One’s POV makes me understand him more, and it’s comforting to know something the MC doesn’t ;) Keep it up!
| BradytheJust chapter 12 . 4/7/2018
“Laughed like there was a whole crowd of maniacs in there!” I like that description, and you’ve really done a perfect job with description and imagery throughout this story but this chapter specifically was done very well.
The MC’s thoughts about her surroundings and her confrontation of terror with logic just made the situation of being locked in a room interesting, and her unique ways of solving the Golden One’s instructions made me smile.
Keep it up!
| Jaya Avendel chapter 13 . 4/7/2018
The Golden One's thoughts are starved for something interesting to talk about. He sounds lonely even in his discussion with himself.
Me, I had an ordinary day . . . that is boredom shining through right there! And it sounds like his interest for Her is growing! Maybe one day he will take Her along with him.
| Jaya Avendel chapter 12 . 3/24/2018
I liked her string of sudden thoughts during the chapter, each one coming to her like a sure bolt. Her determination to get this all over with as soon as possible was quite amusing!
I would not have reached her alarming conclusion about the Golden One but, for all I know, it could be true. The Golden One is a mysterious character, and you have done a good job of keeping him that way.
Looking forward to more.
| RainbowPearls chapter 11 . 3/24/2018
Hahaha! She should have looked away! Lol!
I absolutely enjoyed that line, "He's doing it on purpose. " It made me smirk and chuckle. Actually, for whatever the embarrassing moments few they have been through, I felt too like laughing. XD