|Reviews for Winterkill|
| N. R. Nazario chapter 1 . 4/13
Magic mushrooms, a talking bird with an attitude, a werewolf baby, nasty witches... And that's only the first chapter. What's not to like?
Just discovered this story. Nice beginning. Will follow slowly.
| W. Monroe chapter 7 . 4/1
"Asar's own Fa some," ...was this a dropped word? Did you mean 'father' or something else? Or is 'Fa' actually a term in this world?
'"Until the debt is paid.' you lost a quotation mark there at the end.
Oh, Echo... how I'm beginning to so very love her character. It had to be said here, I'm sorry.
"Trotted faithfully," it might sound better as 'trotting'
"Although, he'd seen his" you don't need that comma there.
Okay, this sounds interesting; yet more magic and ritual to be seen! One of the things I so love about this story is your creativity where magic is concerned, and from the look of it, Echo's got more in store and it's coming soon!
Hopefully I can get to the next chapter soon, but I'll have to end this review, and my reading, here as it's getting late. A good chapter, I must say!
| W. Monroe chapter 6 . 3/11
"He loomed over her arms crossed," you may want a comma after 'her'.
'Echo said. "broken magic,"' okay, either you should capitalize the 'B' or you could switch the period after 'said' out for a comma. Both choices would work from the look of things.
Okay, Vholdayr is a really, really great name. I just felt that needed pointing out, and the description of the city's festival is absolutely wonderful. Awesome job with that! Also, Quetza. I'd love to know just how you come up with these names!
"It's a commandment as old as the school yard. I find it, I keep it," that made me smirk. I'm liking this!
"Echo really wastried," you're words got bunched up there at the last part.
Well, this was a good, solid chapter. Liked the description and, as always, the banter between the characters is so truly rewarding. Great job on this, I'm looking forward to when I can read some more!
| bladeofthebookworms chapter 2 . 3/6
"...a groaned wafted..." I think you meant "...a groan wafted..."
Other than that, wow! I'm really enjoying this story - the bit with talking to trees won me over. So far Riot is my favorite character; I find ravens beautiful creatures, and I love the personality you've given him! Ian, too - I'm a real fan of humans with the ability to transform into other creatures, especially wolves - such majestic creatures!
Can't wait to find out what happens next! Keep up the excellent work!
| bladeofthebookworms chapter 1 . 3/6
So this was a great beginning; I just have a few structural notes to add, but other than these, excellent writing!
"It was the best shelter she could hope for," - I would suggest changing that comma to a semicolon to make the rest of the sentence flow better.
"... to disguise her scent and tracks." - I would change that period to a comma, to give this paragraph a bit of variety as far as sentence length goes.
"showing of fangs" - Did you mean "showing off fangs?"
"impossibly small and wonderfully infinite" - beautiful language here!
I love the names you've come up with! Very interesting! Great job describing the mountains and the setting in general; overall this seems like a very promising story! You've got me hooked; keep up the great work!
| W. Monroe chapter 5 . 2/21
Okay, seeing as I've been kind of absent from reviewing you recently, I'll be making it up with this I think, so let's begin!
- "Now, that I've explained myself, let's all-" should be, "Now that I've explained myself, let's all-"
- "888" I understand this was supposed to be a break, but I'm not too certain it was necessary to put the first one in there seeing as the two paragraphs worked rather well together without the pause. My two cents.
- ("What's coming," Asar barked again) should be either, "What's coming?" or, "What's coming!" depending on the level of emotion you want to convey, with the second being much more emotive/panicked than the first, which would be more useful to convey a sense of stillness such as, "Oh... oh dear," or the like.
- "Echo could only assume from its forehead," would probably be better as, "Echo could only assume was its forehead."
- ("Are you alright," Asar asked) should be ("Are you alright?" Asar asked) or, again, if you wish to be more emotive ("Are you alright!"). Of course, the first case would probably be better here, but that's just me.
- ("Is that really how you treat the woman who just saved your life," she said) should be ("Is that really how you treat the woman who just saved your life?" she said)
- "But neither of them were showed any signs of slowing," should be either, "But neither of them showed any sign of slowing," or, "But neither of them showed any signs of slowing."
- "They boy's a lycan," should be, "The boy's a lycan."
Okay, now I can get to the things that are really on my mind! This chapter was great, and as always I got to see more Asar being himself and that really makes me enjoy this. He and Echo really work great together in this tale!
More importantly, you're using true names on top of rituals, wards, golems and so much... oh how I love it! This story really is getting better with each chapter, and I must say you have a pretty good grasp of hooking the reader along! I actually do regret not being able to read it more often, my apologies for that.
One thing I must say is that the fight scene didn't feel like five minutes. Honestly felt no longer than maybe two, but then that's me. No need to change it, just something that was on my mind and I felt I should say something.
Anyways! Keep writing and I will (eventually, though I may be slow) keep on reading! And please don't leave this unfinished, it's too good to leave hanging!
| W. Monroe chapter 4 . 2/10
Not much to report in this review, seeing as the mistakes I could have sworn I saw I can't find any longer. Whether they're there or not, this chapter was a good addition to the whole, and I'm rather surprised that the sides have already met as they have, honestly expected them to play a bit more cat and mouse before that happened.
One line in this chapter made me crack up though, and that was "one was courting disaster and two just didn't seem like enough," though why this is I haven't the foggiest. Maybe it's just that, for some reason, you're capable of making Asar sound exactly as much of a curmudgeonly individual as I imagine him to be. Exactly the way I like it.
Great job on this chapter, and I hope to be of greater help the next review around.
| W. Monroe chapter 3 . 1/10
Okay, sorry for the long pause between reviews, but when I begin writing a work I focus my time on that and not other things. However, now for the critiques!
-"I tried my best but There are" you accidentally capitalized the 'T' there, I think.
-"I'm sure this is not the first time fort shoulders" should probably be "soldiers" if only because it seems like that was what you were aiming for. I could be wrong, but it was the words that followed that gave me that impression.
-"Asar barley" should be 'barely'
-"No one was likely to listen to a kind" should be 'kid' I'm sure.
Okay, so now that I'm done offering corrections (I'm around eighty-percent positive I got them all) I have to say this is getting better and better. I actually got a good laugh about the 'clerical error' comment, and this chapter seemed to just fly by. Perhaps it's just Tariq and Asar's characters, having them play off one another, but they do so naturally, which makes it a big plus in my honest opinion.
I am wondering if Tachibana will fit into the wider story or if she's just a one off character, but then that's the fun of your work; it actually makes me want to hang around now to see just how everything will play out and who becomes important to the wider tale. I would definitely say that, if it keeps going as it is I could definitely see this becoming one of my favorite stories here on FP.
Keep up the good work, and here's to much more success on this and future works!
| W. Monroe chapter 2 . 12/11/2017
Moose and squirrel? Who's writing this, Boris or Natasha?
I could barely keep a straight face when I read that part, especially with just how... natural it felt. But, now that I've gotten the playfulness out of the way, time to get down to the mechanics:
-You have a lone 'I' in your very first paragraph of this chapter.
-"away earlier," should probably have been, "away earlier." You know what I speak of, hopefully, because I cannot ruin that part.
-"Setting the meat on steaks to warm" should probably have been "Setting the meat on sticks/stakes" because, if she had steaks, and was using them to cook with... well... I'd have to question her sanity. Or intelligence. Or both.
I wish I could recall more, though quite possibly there is none. I'm still grinning stupidly over the quite possibly unplanned reference to Rocky and Bullwinkle, thus dating myself despite my best efforts.
With that said, the story is getting more interesting. The mechanics you've laid out for your magic is actually kind of neat, especially since I don't read too many stories wherein ingredients actually play a big role in the magic. Also, the additions of golems and many other creatures - I'm especially curious of the ghila mentioned - really helped to flesh out the world a bit more, along with the inclusion of the rifles (I'm also sort of interested in the tech of Jujit and whether it'll play a bigger role later on, but I'll happily wait to find out) at the later part of the chapter.
On the characters themselves, Echo has inched slightly more toward interesting, so much so that - along with Riot - I can look beyond their odd names and enjoy their interactions. The addition of Ian also appears interesting, and I'm beginning to wonder what the dynamic between the two will end up being.
All in all, this chapter was actually pretty good. A step up from the first chapter in my opinion, and hopefully things only get even better from here!
| W. Monroe chapter 1 . 12/9/2017
Alrighty, time to point out some mechanical issues I.E typos:
-"Crossing into Jujit and she was starting to real tired of staring at ice and stones and evergreen needles": did you mean to put a 'get' before the word 'real' or were you going for something else? Seeing that made me pause to think for a second before I could continue. Also, "Ice and stones and evergreen needles," could more easily be put as "Ice, stones and evergreen needles."
-"The empire of Jujit r" I think you have a wild 'R' on the loose, but I could be mistaken.
-"One frozen step after the other, the Echo followed her friend," unless this is part of the story, I don't think you need a 'the,' before 'Echo'
-"Echo's awoke face down in the snow," should probably be "Echo awoke," and now I feel like I'm nitpicking, so I'll stop here.
Now I got that out of the way, I'll comment on the whole of this; while the story itself seems... interesting, it also feels like it'll turn out exactly as so many others. But with that said this isn't a bad thing, and it still has a lot going for it.
Some of the things I enjoyed is, oddly enough the creative names of characters (though I personally have issues with naming characters after things, I can let her name slide since I haven't-as a reader-a clue as to whether that's her real name or not, but a crow named Riot? Eh, not my thing, personally. But then, I'm just one voice. Don't take it personally) and the setting. Seriously, all that talk of witches has me interested enough to keep going, especially with regards to the mushrooms and salt, that is really creative! You also have me wondering how what trouble the boy will bring Echo now she dug herself into a hole there.
Asar and Tariq also have an interesting feel to them despite being shown for all of, what, ten paragraphs? I'm wondering what the heck they're doing so far away from home, and I'm also taking bets with myself as to who will actually survive the story. My guess is Asar, because pessimists always get the short end of the stick in these sorts of tales.
While I won't say this is my favorite story, it has piqued my interest enough that I'll keep up with it as much as possible, and I hope that this tale will be finished if not added to my favorites by the end of it.
Keep going strong, you at least have one reader who'll pay attention.