|Reviews for decaf lullaby|
| Hakajin chapter 1 . 23h
Huh, this is kind of along the same lines as the poem you reviewed for me, huh? You're doing something different, though. There's some interesting stuff going on here. Like, in the first two stanzas, it seems like you're saying that it's a mistake to think you've found your one true home in someone, when you've barely explored your options. That makes the next stanza, which implies that you don't even really know that person that well, kind of ironic.
I like this idea that we compare love, which we have a lot of experience with, to space, which we have very little experience with. Why do we describe the familiar in terms of the unfamiliar? I never really thought about it before... I guess it's because we're trying to describe emotion with concrete imagery... Nevertheless, it's an interesting conceit that I don't think I've seen before.
If this were my poem... I think I would leave off the last stanza there. It doesn't follow the space theme of the previous stanzas and just feels kind of... tacked on to me, like you weren't sure how to end the poem. Honestly, I think the third stanza makes a fine ending. Because when you end with a question like that, you're suggesting that you're wondering about it, and not finding any definite answers. Like, it's lingering question, one you carry around with you.
I also wonder... how would it be if you switched the position of the first and second stanzas? In that case, you'd be starting off with the close and familiar and expanding out toward the unknown: planets-galaxy-universe. Although that may not be the effect you want.
Anyway, you've got some original ideas here; great poem overall!
| Skia Shadow chapter 1 . 1/29
Wow this is really good! I love the way everything fits together– the stanzas and line breaks make it flow really well. And I love the meta-ness of the last two lines. - Skia
| Villager C chapter 1 . 12/17/2017
They say that the moment one falls in love, the entire world stops revolving around them. Instead, it revolves around them and the one they fallen in love with. Actually, they don't say that. They might had, but at this point, I have already bastardized their meaning. I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish with this opening so I'll pretend this paragraph never happened and move on, review game style.
I like your "universe imagery"(?). Its a unique spin on the "forest for the trees imagery" as far as I'm concerned. Your imagery does a good job of selling how deep obsessions can be. We tend to view galaxies as giant entities with sizes we can't possibly fathom after all. As such, your imagery emphasizes how grand of a scale one's obsession with love can be, so it good.
I'm am very drunk on boredom I think. I can't continue. I like the cheekiness of the last stanza. That is all.
| anoddlybluegirl chapter 1 . 11/14/2017
I thought of the title first before I started reading,
then I reach the third and fourth stanzas and it gets me thinking
whether they are related or not.
But really, I just appreciate the truthfulness of a line that got me thinking.
Love the kind-a rhyme going on too!