Reviews for Shattered Fortress III: Allies
AngryFerrets chapter 7 . 2/6
"...conspiring against her in some drifted through her head." - missing the word 'way' between some and drifted?

" us to have update from him." - missing the word 'an' between have and update?

You've done a great job of building suspense throughout this chapter. Although there was no direct 'action', the layers of intrigue and suspense wove together very well and I felt as though I could actually feel the tension increasing.

I find myself being drawn more and more to Ela. There is a strength to her character that you are slowly revealing. She's playing a dangerous game against a skilled opponent as you've also done a marvellous job of peeling back Avona's layers. While Chax may be her guy for doing the dirty work if it comes to that I think there is a subtle ruthlessness hiding there that Ela is only now beginning to suspect. It's turned into a fabulous game of cat-and-mouse!
AngryFerrets chapter 6 . 2/5
Great chapter. Ela's connection to Cyrus is heartbreaking, you've done a great job of showing her emotional distress at Cyrus' rejection (not sure if that's the right word or not, but certainly at his lack of reciprocated feelings). Real easy to cop out and say..."She felt devastated." Much harder to show her devastation both in how she cut short their meeting and her barely holding it together with Etash.

Berry's delving so deep into the pattern is very intriguing. All throughout the story we've never really gotten the "full" story on how we ended up with floating islands containing pockets of people but it's been suggested throughout that the Island's history has a huge role to play in everything. Great description of the new orb being added (as well distinguishing how sparkly and 'new' it is) just a few lines after letting us know a new baby was born. The main plot and sub plots in this story have always been engaging and solidly put together...
Jaya Avendel chapter 4 . 1/20
I love your vivid descriptions of the Pattern. It is a good portrayal of the flashing colors.

Hmm, I wonder what Berry found. She pushed and went out far beyond to find something she had never encountered before. I am not sure if it something that will cause bad to happen of if it will let Berry achieve something . . . powerful and terrifying.

Ha, I love Chax. He put Avona in her place or at least gave her a little warning as to her place and position. I can see her face though you put it not to words.

Looking forward to more!
Inala chapter 7 . 1/18
against her in some drifted through... in some what, conspiracy maybe, yes, maybe.
no trace of the usual mirth... thought Ela was fairly mirthless before given Cyrus's running off.

Oh she's running off? Next chapter will definitely be interesting.
Inala chapter 6 . 1/17
She wouldn't'... wouldn't

Well berry survived her last encounter, I had been worried, but will she survive this one. :{ I hope so.

What does po know? Ela needs to open up. She might find more allies and gather important information. She might even fall in love again. I know it's possible. It just takes the right person and time to heal.
Inala chapter 5 . 1/17
eveything of the last... of I think should be in.
Cyru's... Cyrus

Oh I forgot to say for the last chapter... I was confused. I feel like you didn't make it really obvious that the agricultural head was a member of the secret organization, whose name escapes my memory. The last chapter you confirmed, but in the sf2 you hinted at another council member maybe being in... sorry that's been confusing me for a while now.

I'm really liking taleb now. How crazy is that?

Great story so far. One of these days I need to get back to life, but I think I will continue to live in your fantasy world.
Inala chapter 4 . 1/17
I saw no errors.

Trouble in the ranks. Oh dear. But I love it. I hope berry gets out of there, eye need her on point to stand against... crazy woman.
Inala chapter 3 . 1/17
take bid ada... I think bid works better here.

I like how taleb is being pragmatic here and he plans to help. I think the vine trick will really come in handy later. They could soon have they're own little surface paradise. S long as they stay dryn Mar.

I'm sad. It was a nice funeral.
Inala chapter 2 . 1/17
surface when. By... no period needed.
a long wing... along the wing?
with begs... kanin hasn't had too much trouble with the language recently, so begs instead of eggs seems a big shift backwards.
Cyrus was was... delete extra word.

Oh dear. Although I agree they needed to run, they will be very exposed on the surface. I fear the trouble they are in.
Inala chapter 1 . 1/16
they stood in in... delete extra in.
"This place, "... quotation mark needs moved.

Change is brewing although different from what azad was looking for. Go Cyrus. You rock. Although he does cry a lot. I guess being an empath makes him in touch with his emotions.

What a great start! Such hope and such (I'm cringing) fear for what will happen next.
Dlombardi chapter 1 . 1/15
Ha, I’m guessing just like any sequel, the results of major events weigh heavily on reading the previous story. But that’s ok. I like some suspicion; maybe I can figure out what happened just through reading (I am reviewing as I read, just fyi :p)
I collected some backstory via Cyrus, but not enough to cover the other characters that seem to leak in the further I read the chapter. I do like the way you express emotion quite vividly, but I notice the scenery/environment could use a little combing out. The Pattern, I understood what you were doing for the most part, but in some areas I couldn’t envision what Cyrus was actually doing, I just know he got from point A to point B. Maybe it’s just finding the balance between generalizing and laying it thick (I had a problem with this in the beginning of my writing too.)
So when the other characters followed through, I noticed you limited character feedback to make room for dialogue. It seemed a little flat when you wrote it that way (when you had only the two characters conversing in the beginning, you added more dimension to them) I hope that makes sense!
Sorry this review is so long, I’m almost done:
I tend to, by default, look over technical aspects of a piece and I must say this one wasn’t littered with errors. I only managed to spot two:
And for that, his life would be forfeit(ed). (if the entire piece is past tense)
She flashed him a warm smile. "Don't taking (take) too long, yes?"
Overall, interesting plot. I have a certain interest for characters in death row/caged up and the near fugitive label foreshadowing. I like the conflict right off the bat, and already took a liking to Azad. Keep it up!
Jaya Avendel chapter 3 . 1/10
My heart bleeds for Ada. I loved how you portrayed her final flight and the picture of her with the flowers around her head was a pretty one. I wonder how Kanin will hold up?

I like how you put the chapter from Moana's point of view. It gave a touch of gentleness and beauty to the whole thing, and the grief felt of Ada'a final flight. Moana's explaination to Cyrus was a well of interesting information and a nice bit of world building.

I am curious about Taleb. He wandered away and discovered something new within himself.
Jaya Avendel chapter 2 . 1/2
A very face paced chapter but I enjoyed it immensely. The rescue of Zee was well done, employing everyone in the rescue party, and the escape after the guard sounded the alert had my heart pounding as the party ran for freedom.

Chickens! I laughed so hard! Kanin was hilarious even though he was trying to help! He helped out very well with his lightning bolts. And I liked how you brought Cyrus's ample form back to life by the slight detail of him gasping as he ran.

Looking forward to more!
alltheeagles chapter 6 . 12/29/2017
Another rather confusing chapter, mainly because I haven't figured out what's happening to Berry yet. Is she drifting off yet again into uncharted territory, and Ela saw her and called her back?

Anyway, the other interesting point for me is the fact that the crystifice records everything (which I've always known, actually, but didn't pay attention to until now) because that brought up a question for me: why is chax's espionage still necessary/useful then, if somebody can just call up any memory? Hmm. Oh, not everyone can navigate the crystifice, huh? But then I would have thought that the top (wo)man would surely be able to do that, so why does she still need him?
Jaya Avendel chapter 1 . 12/29/2017
Wow. I cannot express how much I enjoyed this chapter! I savored every word it was so well written ad even read it twice! I think this must be my favorite chapter of all!

Cyrus came to help Azad. He was in sad shape. Cyrus learned the meaning of love and family, and even embraced Moana. He is helping the Dryn Mar escape, and also to rescue Zee. His discovery meant a lot to him and his raw emotions were very touching.

I love Taleb's lines. They held a lot of power and I could hear his rough, deep voice echoing in my mind.

Beautifully written!
25 | Page 1 2 Next »