|Reviews for DARK|
| BlitzGirl chapter 24 . 1/30
Thank-you for trusting me to read your story! I want you to know that no critiques I've given should be taken personally. I have always been very opinionated on couple pairings in stories, be it a Hollywood blockbuster or a little story written by average people like you and me. I do believe that if you have the time and motivation to come up with a new story and your own characters (you told me that half of these guys belonged to your friend), you can do great things. Keep writing, even try things out of your comfort zone if you can! :)
| BlitzGirl chapter 19 . 1/29
Matthias sure has turned into a riot, being so SUBTLE about everything! I know that you kept their surnames the same as before on their chapter headings, but if they were to have shared a name when they got married, who would take whose name? Or would they hyphenate it?
| BlitzGirl chapter 14 . 1/29
Yeah, I'm going to have to say that although I like Harold, I never saw him getting "together" with "Commander Grumps", aka "Harold". The way Harold was first introduced, I didn't see anything hinting that he was actually a good guy inside, or that he cared about any of the men working beneath him. This pairing has taken me completely by surprise, but these are your characters and your story, so you had a reason to make this happen. I wish it could have been Hunter and Lloyd, honestly, or no one at all.
| BlitzGirl chapter 12 . 1/29
There is still some name confusion going on here, with last names being used instead of first, and vica-versa, so this is still a minor edit I believe would make the story read more clearly. Also, Lloyd is referenced as "Leon" at the top of the chapter, so that's another fix that would help!
I still also believe that Hunter and Lloyd would be better together, because I get zero chemistry at all from Harold (who I forgot was the commander, and only viewed as a despicable asshole when he was first introduced) and Captain Zachary.
| BlitzGirl chapter 11 . 1/29
I know that in a previous review I mentioned that there are a ton of characters to try to keep track of. On that topic, I noticed that many characters switch between being referenced by their first and their last names, between chapters, so, after not reading for the last few days, I almost forgot who "Abbott" was. Maybe whenever you make edits, you can pick a name to stay consistent with throughout the story for everyone so that the reader doesn't get confused.
I also hope that Abbott gets with Yeld because I didn't sense anything at all between him and Ernie. Ernie just has a crush on him, and I don't remember the character appearing before in the story before this chapter, so I don't really care what happens to him...as cruel as that sounds!
| BlitzGirl chapter 9 . 1/29
So far, I can say that Desmond is one of the characters I am most interested in, mostly because of his troubled past and whatever demons he's still struggling with. And what a revelation regarding StarGazer and Ginger! Other characters must be experiments, too, from what has already happened. I am curious, though, as to where the Zucons go in these attack scenes. They get into someone's mind, then suddenly they are gone and the characters who survived are left alone. Does the mind control process do something to the Zucon itself? Anyway, those are my random thoughts on this chapter and what it revealed! It's too bad that both female characters are dead, now.
| BlitzGirl chapter 8 . 1/26
Darn, I was hoping to learn more about Sophia! Plus, it's good to have a varied selection of characters, when possible. At this point, the situation with the Zucons and the crew trying to escape is intriguing, but it's getting difficult to keep track of all of the characters. I almost feel that this is a story that would benefit more from having a smaller cast - but, obviously, you have finished the story already by the time I am reading this, so what's done is done. If you ever go back and make edits to earlier chapters, perhaps you could try to make all of the different male characters stand out better from each other. I get a lot of them confused, since so many are basically acting the same way and saying the same things to their counterparts as other characters are in another part of the ship...if that makes sense? And I get that this is labeled as a romance, but I don't think every single guy needs to have a crush on the man who is tagging along with them. Luis and Lloyd, for example - Luis knows nothing about Lloyd. Only starting to have a crush due to his looks and smell. I hope that as the story goes on, more meaningful, rational romances pop up, because so far it's getting very muddled. I'll move on to Chapter 9 when I get my next batch of free time! :)
| BlitzGirl chapter 4 . 1/26
You did a great job conveying the intensity and fear of the situation. It was very intense, and I am looking forward to finding out just what the hell is going on. Some kind of alien lifeform, perhaps?
| BlitzGirl chapter 1 . 1/26
Chapter 1 Review: This is a great start! The characters and setting are interesting and likable. I think what I like best so far is how you write the dialogue. The conversations feel natural. My only suggestion to make it flow better is to possibly drop "species" after "Human", since that leads to some sections having many repeated uses of "species" within a sentence. Otherwise, so far, so good!
Note: I am a fan of sci-fi!
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 16 . 1/15
Oh okay so there's gonna be a multi part epilogue? That's unusual but I see why it works for this story. I like how this chapter had a blend of telling and showing their relationship.
Poor Lloyd; what happened to his parents is sad and I like the detail that he threw a tantrum; showing him not at his best makes him more human.
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 15 . 1/15
So, this chapter was pretty cute and funny with the dialogue., but it was a lot of mood whiplash; they all watched loved ones die an hour ago and suddenly they're laughing over awkward questions. I get that sometimes people laugh in bad situations but dark humor is a different thing than this, which felt very lighthearted. I'd recommend pasting this to a later chapter.
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 14 . 1/14
Aaa this chapter was adorable and I'm so glad Harold is alive.
In response to your messages, I'm not actually done reading; I meant that ch 13 felt like an ending but wasn't. But this story is marked complete right? Will there be more chapters later do you mean?
And about StarGazer being cruel, I get that, but that's not a motive. What I was wondering about is their motive.
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 13 . 1/14
This chapter felt like an ending, but I see it's only about halfway done. Hmm. Wonder when the other shoe will drop or however that saying goes.
Are there not any other survivors on the ship? If not, how do they know that? And if there are... that's just awful. Might have been a good idea to at least bring up the possibility of survivors (have them scan for human life forms or whatnot before leaving) so that question is answered.
I'm really confused about StarGazers motives in all this. What do they have to gain from sending a bunch of people off to die? Why not restrict the crew to the experiments and maybe a few others.
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 12 . 1/14
Again it took me a moment to remember that Zachary was Luis. I think it was harder in this chapter because Zachary is often a first name. Although I get why you wouldn't want to refer to him by his full name and title in this chapter at that part because it would be distracting and putting the focus on Luis instead of Lloyd and his grief. I think calling him just his title (or just his first name) at that part would suffice and be easier to remember.
I loved the "plum" part. It felt real; people clinging to something to laugh at during a tragedy.
Ah, so much angst and drama in this chapter I love it. Luis can be my new favorite character.
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 11 . 1/14
It took me a long time to remember who Ernie Harold was, especially since I only connected him with Hunter's story before and from Ernie's POV, Hunter is called Abbott. I do like how you use different names in different POVs to distinguish the different relationships amongst the crew, but it might be a good idea to use full names more often at the beginnings of each new POV to help everyone remember who is who.
Poor Ernie. It's nice if Hunter to apologize.
[His heart clenched tight. He had thought that this place was the only place he could fit in, even a bit, but even them didn't see him just like the rest.]
This hurt my heart. He's now my favorite character.
Noooo you killed my new favorite didn't you. I just wanted him to be hugged before he died at least.