|Reviews for One With Premise|
| Will9035 chapter 5 . 3/16
No beating around the bush...this one was weird. But it was still strangely funny. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't chortling at the idea of a squad of cheerleaders shrieking in horror at being sprayed with brown goop. I have about a million questions about Barzon, Malts, their contraptions, their victims, and basically every other aspect of this little story. But seeing as how you wrote spontaneously wrote this in two minutes (and it's pretty darn polished for that, despite its ludicrous elements), I'm guessing that sort of analysis isn't really called for here.
| Will9035 chapter 4 . 2/17
Out of the four mini-stories you've added here so far, this is the one that left me scratching my head the most. So, for the first half, Jenae was this totally normal girl who worked in a...company? Military? I wasn't quite clear on her starting position, nor on what exactly she did that made her worthy of Asterope's blessing. On that note, I don't quite understand why Asterope decided to turn Jenae into a godlike being herself. If Asterope was a super-powerful and intelligent being, how couldn't she see that Jenae would just end up killing her after granting her all that power. I guess maybe omniscience didn't come with the package?
Your writing style was on-point as always. I don't think I got the visceral effect you were aiming for with Jenae getting all those additional powers, but considering you're describing something humans literally can't feel I think your effort was still strong enough. This entry definitely left me with more questions than answers, though.
| Will9035 chapter 3 . 1/22
This probably won't surprise you, but out of the three chapters so far this one has definitely been the one where it's the easiest to relate to the central character. (Maybe it was the line about snow in October, which I'm with Ben on. It's bogus.) I'll totally believe that Ben is one of your favorite characters to write, because it really showed through here. It's obvious that this chapter was in the middle of a much bigger story, but the quick explanations or "reminders" about the characters and other facets of this world (i.e., the magic sword) didn't make me feel nearly as locked out as I was expecting.
Frankly, this chapter seemed so natural that I'm shocked it's a standalone rather than something ripped from a larger work. My one gripe is that the "romantic" talk at the end was a little heavy-handed and melodramatic. Obviously it's a large part of Ben's backstory, but it was just a little jarring. The chapter started off making it sound like he was in the middle of a grand adventure, and it ended with him talking about not leading a girl on.
But that's only a small problem. For some reason I really like Ben as a character. I certainly wouldn't object if you posted more of his adventures!
| Will9035 chapter 2 . 1/14
I agree with your original thoughts about the chemistry between Callie and Ezzi; there was something oddly compelling about it, despite the fact no one (yourself included) has any idea who these characters are or what the circumstances were that brought them together. I wasn't even sure which of these characters were good or evil. I guess the most I could say is that there Ezzi came off as pretty obnoxious and pompous, though with you that's never indicative of anything.
| Will9035 chapter 1 . 1/5
Despite the little summary you gave, I couldn't tell that this was something you were still just playing around with; Sienna especially seemed like a character you had already developed, in the middle of a story that you already planned. I thought the two instances of someone speaking in all caps was a little uncharacteristic of you, but that was the only thing that really struck me as out of place or unnatural. I feel like if you decide to carry this forward beyond the prompts or experimentation, you could have another solid story on hand here.