|Reviews for One With Premise|
| Will9035 chapter 20 . 9/18
This so seems like the kind of chapter you would have a lot of fun to write: this speculative technology for battlefield use, and a character just having the opportunity to play with it and show off what it can do. I'd say this is a "Bob Evans" chapter boiled down to its pure essence, and that's a good thing. You played to all of your strengths and not only came up with a suit that didn't sound so outlandish that it broke my suspension of disbelief, but you explained its functions well enough that even a guy like me could understand what was happening. (Although, I was wondering...didn't the characters in "Jackson Gray" have armor like this? It's been a while, so I may very well be misremembering.)
And now it's my turn to say a character's reaction caught me off guard. If I were in Amanda's shoes, I would be pumped to have just gotten to play with armor like that. The fact that she responded the way she did has me wondering whether to think of her as more of a killjoy or someone who's just extremely careful when given new toys like this.
| cshen chapter 1 . 9/8
Hey, the narration is fun to read :)
| Will9035 chapter 19 . 9/8
Oh yes, there was no question that this was a period piece. (I'm guessing the mid-to-late 90s?) But kudos for you for not hitting us over the heads with it. I feel like a common trap would be to have the characters say stuff like, "This totally rad teleportation gizmo is as awesome as seeing Michael Jordan make a slam dunk! Maybe when we get back from this adventure, we can go catch 'Independence Day' at the theaters. Aren't these Clinton years gnarly?"
I can definitely see why this is the kind of story you'd want to write: the romance drama, the new technology, the settings that are lightyears away from us...all the classic trademarks. And, I must say, these characters seem like a pretty fun group. Keeping them human, while also emphasizing that they are, in fact, still teenagers. (Like how Allison is focused intensely on how much she's into Ross, and worried that she's becoming part of a hazing ritual) All I can say is, it sounds like you have loads of potential for a full-fledged novel here.
| Will9035 chapter 18 . 9/2
My first thought was that this story could've been taking place in the same universe as "Privileges," what with the attractive humanoid angels. On the one hand, Marcus is well aware that those sorts of angelic beings are a thing, but I think these beings are called something different from the ones in Privileges.
Either way, this was a good read. The violent bits were rather visceral, especially the bit about the guy's skull being driven into the asphalt. I could hear that in my mind's ear, and it wasn't a pleasant sound. It's a good thing that you said you'd revisit this in due course, because this strikes me as the kind of story that would play very well to your strengths.
| Will9035 chapter 17 . 8/12
Ah. So THIS is the project that eventually came out to 90,000 words. Maybe that's appropriate, because based on this I can tell very little about these characters-be it, whether or not I should root for them, who their enemies are, what their backstories are, and what their ultimate goal might be. But it definitely seems like a classic Bob Evans sci-fi adventure story with an anti-hero protagonist who is a little rough around the edges for some people and missions to accomplish in outer space.
And now that you've said a lot has changed, I'm curious how this will change once you start uploading the final product. But whatever it is, I'm expecting more epic space adventures from these characters.
| Will9035 chapter 16 . 8/5
Now this is interesting-your author's note at the end talked about how the characterization was the main pull for you here, but I was actually the most fascinated by this world that you created. While I was at first confused about what everyone was talking about (but what else is new?) when they talked about the Burn and the Binding, I became much more curious about how those aspects of this universe came into being and what you had in store for them in regards to the story that "didn't pan out." And that's not a knock against your characters, either. They all came across with their own personalities, and Drew's shock at that little revelation in regards to Carrie's sex life was pretty visceral.
| Will9035 chapter 15 . 7/23
Wow. This one was REALLY good. It started off with me thinking we were in for another one of your sci-fi adventures, and instead it turned into an extremely human story with a genuinely uncomfortable set-up. The way you wrote the entire scene with Noah and Abigail-every bit of it was fantastic. The inevitable cold politeness, the unintentionally tough questions from the kids, the debate about how effective the policy was about marrying someone off if their loved one dies in combat, the awkwardness and uncertainty about how Noah wanted to handle this situation versus the way Abigail wanted it to be handled...it was all totally believable, well-written, and I found the premise to be highly creative and even slightly plausible.
These aren't issues, but I did have two lingering questions (and it's possible I just missed them): 1.) is this taking place on future Earth where the continents and governments have seen a massive shakeup? And 2.) Is the Soldier's Creed mandatory, even if two other people in Noah and John's exact position decided they didn't want a stranger moving in with their spouses in a worst case scenario? I feel like you could write an entire novella about the creation of that Creed alone.
By the way, because this is me, I have course have to ask this: was the pairing of people named John and Abigail a deliberate nod to our second president and his wife? I'm guessing it wasn't, but I just thought I'd ask anyway.
| Will9035 chapter 14 . 7/8
Unfortunately, I have to say that I didn't find this entry quite as enticing as some of your previous ones here. On the good side, while you're indeed correct that the idea of people reluctantly being betrothed isn't a new concept, I don't feel like it's one that's been done so much to death that nothing could make it work.
I'm not quite sure what angle you're coming at with the characters, though. Clearly Alexis doesn't like Aidan so much as she likes the benefits that a marriage with him will bring, and Aidan just seems like he's totally against the idea of marrying her, period. But besides that, it was difficult to get any solid read on the characters (including their ages), or even the world that they inhabited. If it weren't for your author's note at the end, I don't think I would've gathered that they were on near-future Earth. I guess the best thing I can say is that, I never realized how good you are at painting such a complete and vivid picture-however small-of your worlds and their inhabitants in these little stories, until I come across one that doesn't seem quite up to your high standards.
| Will9035 chapter 13 . 7/2
I'm not at all surprised that this is a story you designed to be more of a comic book rather than a written tome. That sensation definitely shined through in the imagery and the course of events. It's a shame that this project never really got off the ground, because I was digging the action and the overall dark atmosphere (helped in no small part due to the fact that the enemies are literally called Darkens).
| Will9035 chapter 12 . 6/18
Sorry if this is self-centered, but I can't help but think about *my* Ross and his special (dead) lady Alicia when reading about your Ross and Allison here.
I believed you before when you said he had a thing for romance drama, but this entry pretty much removed any and all doubt. This is two little excerpts in a row that dealt with a girl feeling abandoned by a guy she reluctantly felt something for, so maybe from a placement perspective I would've put this story somewhere else in this anthology.
But, like always, it was well-written. It was a little confusing at times, mainly because I couldn't sense where and when this takes place (I'm guessing they're talking on Earth, in the distant future?), nor could I really tell how old the characters were. I'm sure they're in their late teens-maybe early 20s-but I still wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel about these guys. Depending on their age, they're either pretty typical or they're slightly immature. Maybe that's what you were going for? I also know that emotional people don't always tend to be the most rational.
Still, this was an overall solidly written piece, though. It was just as well-written and emotive as anything else I've seen from you. I think I would prefer the characters in "Out of Touch" this cast after a cursory glance, though.
| Will9035 chapter 11 . 6/7
...Wow. Dude, you absolutely nailed the characters and their chemistry on all fronts here. The opening scene with Amanda and Ms. Yuki was so warm, friendly and inviting that it legit felt like reading a conversation that two close friends were having. I wasn't sure you could top that as far as the emotional connections were concerned, and then you brought Mike into the fray.
You had Amanda's contradictory feelings down pat. I don't normally read stories where characters are so conflicted the way Amanda was towards Mike, but I can say with some amateurish certainty: you did it extremely well. Amanda's confusion, anger, and desire for him to stay came through beautifully. Well done to you here, sir. Well done to you indeed.
I almost want to say your characters worked *too* well here. When you were throwing around names like Castor, or the Eldritch (is that a Lovecraft term?), or Kyzylorda, I was honestly thinking, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see these people acting like people, not talking about their world." Hopefully you take that as a compliment, because I mean it as one.
| Will9035 chapter 10 . 5/30
I feel somewhat silly for asking this, but is Kaine a character I should remember? There's something about him that strikes me as a little familiar, but I'm almost positive I never read "Trapper of Rabbits." Also, I noticed an allusion to Chronometrics, so does this take place in the same universe as TSG? (I would use the inclusion of multiverses as well, but I don't think those are exclusive to TSG.)
The same inevitable pitfalls are here like they have been in other little entries here-namely, the allusions to other characters or places (Franklin, Tavigan) that don't have the time to be developed in such a short span of time. Luckily they weren't all that distracting, and I was still able to pick out the important details you were trying to convey. I especially liked the characterization for "commander lady." I could picture her better than Kaine, oddly enough.
| Will9035 chapter 9 . 5/15
Now this is a quintessential Bob Evans story right here. Is this actually a prompt that you've had for a while? Because it seems like such a classic "you" story that it's actually kind of odd for me to imagine you taking this tried-and-true trope and just playing it mostly straight right here. (Yeah, Laney is the reluctant adventurer, but Jess, who seems like a pretty obvious co-protagonist, is all for this adventure.)
The only thing that really stood out in a negative way to me was how you said Laney was knocked "on her ass." That just seemed like such a juvenile thing for a third-person narrator to say.
| Will9035 chapter 8 . 5/5
This was a pretty well-written and surprisingly heartfelt piece right here. I'm guessing a lot of your own musings about relationships and how to remember them worked their way in here. It was a little difficult developing too much rapport with Jake and Crystal while they were talking about some of their other friends due to how we never actually got to see them in action, but for reminiscing about a group of "ghosts" I think you handled this chapter as well as you possibly could.
The lights in the sky seemed a little sudden, but judging by the prompt you mentioned in your author's note, it was probably those mysterious lights that were going to be focus of the story and the dialogue prior to it was to just establish the characters.
| Will9035 chapter 7 . 4/15
I feel so silly for not realizing that some dialogue was written in Haikus, even when it was lampshaded at the end. I'm not so sure I'd say this has the same pull or weight to carry a full-fledged story like some of the other entries here have, but you were clearly having some fun here. The fact that it's in your comfort zone as far as genres go also worked well to your advantage here.