really nice stuff, don't think you did anything extra or out of place. Flowed real well, I like Coral too! good writing

To answer your AN questions:

1) I like how Coral's Mormonism is gradually brought up. It gives depth to her background and as someone who's not very familiar with this community, I found that the pieces of information that are revealed do not feel out of place in the story. Rather, they work their way into the plot nicely and feel natural to the setting.

2) In terms of characters, I think you've done a great job with the protagonist, Coral. Despite this being story, you provided enough depth to her character so that she's not defined by her autism. It's quite apparent that there's more to her and as the story ended, I felt a bit wistful as she seems to have come full-circle with her circumstances of living with autism vis-a-vis Emily/Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town.

Speaking of the title, I find that it ties into the story's themes very well. Coral is who the protagonist wants to be known as, as opposed to the nickname dictated by her mother. On a side-note, I had no idea what a roly poly was and had to Google it .

Adding to the above, I like that there are no grammar or spelling mistakes in your writing (at least, from what I noted). It just adds to the enjoyability factor of reading the story. Keep up the good work!

Here from the Short Review Game for WA.
Before I start, I’m going to tell you something I don’t tell many people on these writing sites. I have a lot of personal experience with Asperger’s. (That’s why I wanted to read this.) But while I naturally have a lot of information about this, it’s also not exactly objective either, so keep that in perspective.

Your opening is a great way to show how Corral feels about returning to the camp. (Déjà isn’t technically the right phrase…Nostalgia isn’t the right word, either…) It also does a great job introducing the voice of this character; Heavily introspective and a bit socially awkward is perfect for a person with Asperger’s.

I think the way you have all the adults referred to as “Sister” is a good idea. (That’s what they refer to adult members in the Mormon Church, right?) It’s a very good “show” of this concept. :)

Rebekah’s causal referring to the campers as “retard,” and everyone’s scolding her for it is done well. Obviously, it isn’t PC and a real insult to the children there, but there’s always those that don’t think about that. And it’s a word that particualarly bothers Corral. I can I understand that. As a child, I knew (and most other kids knew) I was socially awkward, and some would say inferior. But I was always worried that kids would assume I was intellectually inferior as well.
I loved how important it was to Corral that she isn’t seen as “an autistic person,” even if it means she wouldn’t get an apology for the retard comment. That’s actually one of the reasons why I don’t tell many people around here about my condition.

The paragraph where she relates back to her experiences with her parents growing up as a Mormon is very well done. Just enough information to show us some of the things the rest of the church members would have noticed but not so much to overwhelm or bore readers. (Mormons are prone for oversharing about their children…a meltdown in Sacrament meeting because I couldn’t stand the velvet dress I was wearing, etc.)

I can also relate to her attitude about names, only in reverse. I always called adults as their titles, even when they said they preferred to be called by their names. It never occurred to me that might be because of AS….

The cookie scene is such a good way to show that’s she’s still a “normal teenager” in some ways; i.e. trying to eat a cookie because just because it tastes good and encouraging the others to do the same even though they are supposed to be for “kids with special diets.”

The discussion about college is done well. Very good “balance” between trying to imply Corral can’t do ANYTHING. (ie. She IS planning on attending college, although she knows it will be community college.) vs. “she will have no problems. (She knows she can’t go to art school because she won’t be able to handle the dorms.) As is the discussion about the mission. At the stage Corral is now, you imply she’s already “overcome” a lot, but at the same time she knows what her triggers are and why she can’t push.
Also, the fact that she doesn’t want to tell Rachel (who might be more accepting of Corral than Rebekah), about her “real reasons” for not going away to college or on a mission. Once again, she doesn’t want Rachel to treat her differently (even if Rachel DOES actually know about her, she doesn’t want to remind her), or feel sorry for her in any way.

The ending, where everyone thinks Emily is being stubborn (reasonable, with what they know), vs. Corral thinking there might be something more to it is excellent. Wonderful way to show the way Corral feels such a bond with the girl, with all the people who don’t understand why she was so upset about the stick, the names, etc.
Even though she didn’t want to be a volunteer for the camp “just because she had been a camper” (more of that “signaling out” that she doesn’t want), it’s great that she was able to help this child a little.
I wish I had met an adult (or even a teenager) with a condition like mine when I was a child.

A couple of things I think might to be re – worked.

The paragraph where you explain what a Personal Progress is good but explaining about how she had done her “faith,” first and ended with “virtue’, and then all the electives, seems a little unnecessary. Perhaps simply end it with, “I had my own routine for working on Personal Progress,” would be better?

I appreciated the background about Corral nickname and how she felt about it (particularly considering you related to the child she talked to at the end of the story), but it seems a bit wordy. I would consider trimming that paragraph down a little. (This may be my lack of objectivity talking here, though, as the idea that anyone needs to be “saved” from autism is a pet peeve of mine. I think we see the world a different way and that should be celebrated, despite our challenges. Like how Corral was able to help the child at the end.)

Hi, Pineapples!

Congratulations on winning Part Two of The Room Forum’s Three-Thirds event! This mod review is one of your chosen prizes for the event.

First, to get a general impression, I read the story as a casual read without taking notes. The story is very well written with no spelling, punctuation, or grammar issues being noted. It does a great job of dropping the reader right into the action, establishing a location and purpose, and then telling a complete story in the timeframe of a few hours of a single day.

I really liked the opening paragraph as a means of introducing the story and the confusion Corie feels. The first sentence was a good opener, but it initially seemed to be a little long, so I reread it several times on the detailed read-through. It’s not as long as it first seemed, but I wonder if splitting it into two sentences might improve it, either after “what is” or “exactly.” Since Corie relates the story in a sort of informal manner, perhaps the second half might start off as ((You know, the proper word…)) though the second sentence then might ought to end with a question mark to match the question implied by “You know.” The closing sentence of the first paragraph does a great job of pounding home Corie’s confusion and makes the reader want to continue to reading to discover the cause.

The next few paragraphs really help set the picture, with a quick look at the characters, why they’re there, and that Corie has been there before without giving away the camp’s purpose. Therefore, I was quite surprised at Rebekah’s insensitive comment, revealing that the camp is for special needs children, and Corie’s explanation about herself that followed.

You’ve asked two questions in your author’s note, so I’ll address the first, about having a Mormon character narrate the story aimed at a non-Mormon audience, here. I think you did a very nice job of minimizing that aspect of the story, providing the information needed to make Corie’s presence (and volunteering) understandable to the reader. The main part about this is one of the longest paragraphs in the story, so you might consider splitting the paragraph ((…my value projects for Personal Progress. [new paragraph] Personal progress is…)). This splits up the repeated “Personal Progress” phrases and separates the explanation of the reason Corie was invited from her explanation of the award and reason for agreeing to volunteer.

Personally, I often enjoy original fiction better than fan fiction when I’m fandom blind since the author understands that all readers will be on an equal footing with respect to the material and will usually write their works accordingly. You’ve done that quite effectively here, giving the reader enough details to allow one to visualize the various scenes without going overboard on descriptions. In a story like this told in first person, we don’t need a description of the person telling the tale unless that description has specific bearing on the plot; similarly, she doesn’t need to describe her friends in significant detail either since she knows what they look like. I was glad that you didn’t do that here, but, rather, you gave good descriptions of important points that Corie is seeing from her perspective. One that really jumped out at me was when she briefly describes the not-quite-satisfactory result of her nametag-making effort. From many years as a leader in youth and professional organizations, I immediately recognized (and chuckled at) the bleeding ink from the Sharpie. That was a nice touch that will probably remind anyone who has ever used the thick pen of their own effort, thereby helping to personalize the story.

Your second request had to do with advice on rounding out the characters without changing the story. I’m going to focus on a few example characters for this.

First, Sister Hansen is the first character that is really introduced in the story. While we get Corie’s initial impression, we don’t really know who she is (beyond the brief explanation in the summary) until Sister Hansen appears and starts to give the story some framework. As discussed above, her description is kept to a minimum, with only her outfit and whistle being noted since those would likely be the only things different than normal. She’s a dedicated and experienced youth volunteer (note the whistle), and she’s doing her best to keep things moving even as the camp gets off to a typical, somewhat-faltering start. Sister Hansen asked Corie to volunteer for the event, seemingly without knowledge of her past attendance, but there are several signs that she may know more than Corie thinks. Corie noted her parents tendency to overshare about her, Sister Hansen knew of Corie’s progress on the Personal Progress award, and when the cookie incident occurs, she immediately knows about, and remembers, Corie’s diet, that had ended years before. The really telling part is when she says, “Corie, you and Rachel are almost…,” we see that she really has the young lady’s best interests at heart and wants to influence her positively. If she wasn’t aware of a lot more than Corie thought, it would be very surprising.

Rebekah was written as the perfect example of a younger sister, meaning she’s somewhat brash. At thirteen, she hasn’t yet developed the brake system that keeps her mouth from spouting off what her brain thinks without first filtering out the rougher parts. Having witnessed this in a number of kids that age over the years, I thought she was perfectly written.

Rachel, on the other hand, is “almost ready to be an adult” according to her mother, and she is appropriately shocked and scolding when Rebekah spouts off early on; however, she isn’t very understanding when little Emily is speaking to her stick. Perhaps she doesn’t understand kids with special needs that well but she’s pushy and demanding, even forcing the little girl to look up at her. She doesn’t seem to have the patience or understanding of those who regularly work with special needs children, and then becomes offended and hurt when the little girl pushes back to defend her space. In the end, it seems that “almost ready to be an adult” might also be taken to mean that Rachel is close, but still has a way to go.

Since the story is told from Corie’s perspective, we learn a lot more about her and her background as the story progresses. Her story is told in onion fashion, with layers being peeled back one at a time to expose the big picture of her situation. While she’s learned to live and deal with many of the issues she faces due to her autism/Asperger’s, it’s still there and she constantly has to do what it takes to keep it and herself under control. My youngest child has autism, significantly more severe than Coral’s, but the story does a really nice job of reminding me of the difficulties he faces as Coral deals with the issues of her own and tries to help little Emily.

Finally, while the roly-poly plays a little part, this is Coral’s story; using her name as the title seems much more appropriate. Using her own background and experience, she figures out how to help and comfort little Emily. The closing paragraphs and, in particular, the last line are a great way to end the story and tie-in the title.

In summary, excellent work. This is a very touching tale of which you can be quite proud.

Hey there! Wow, I really loved this. The ending nearly had me teary-eyed. I think you did an amazing job showing who Coral is and how she feels and interprets everything around her in such a powerful way. I really felt like I was in her shoes while reading. My favorite things about this was, of course, how real and detailed you depicted Coral's life and feelings, but how you used little things to make a big impact. The gluten-free cookies, the yellow tablecloth, the name tags, the nicknames, the roly-poly. Should I go on?! :P It was full of them and it was wonderful.

To answer your specific questions, the way you presented Coral's Morman lifestyle seemed pretty accurate and made plenty sense. I'm not too familiar with particulars regarding Morman's, but nothing felt out of place in any of the references. I really liked how you often spoke of her parents and how their lifestyle effected both them and her. The one place I'd say you maybe went into more detail than was needed might be with the Personal Progress, but really, I honestly didn't find any of it so drawn out that I was bored or anything. I was very much intrigued with all the aspects you went into throughout the story. :)

Concerning the other characters, I think you did well showing most their personalities when first introducing them. Sister Hansen seems like someone who has a confident and controlled way about them. She doesn't have a problem being a leader and probably enjoys the fact that she is. Rebekah is blunt, carefree and doesn't seem to mind who she may offend with her opinions. One of those 'you either love em or hate em' types, I'd say. Rachel came off as pretty kind. If you ask me, I think she was fully aware of Coral's autism and doesn't let it cloud her view of Coral in the slightest. Even when they were talking about future plans, I kind of felt like she was asking things because it was things she'd ask anyone, but after seeing how if made Coral uncomfortable, she knew to quickly drop the subject. Audrey is one that didn't come out quite as strong. What I felt from her is that she might just sort of be trying to follow behind Rebekah since she has the bolder personality. If you did want to add more to help continuously show each of their personalities without changing anything, I might suggest you do that in the places where you say "We volunteers". You could show their personalities through their actions as they help. I think it would also be fitting because Coral is very aware of the movements of everyone around her and you could tell a lot about a person through them.

As for the title, I like it as is, I think. While the roly-poly did have a pretty big impact to the story, the fact that she decided to say her name was "Coral" instead of "Corie" was even bigger. It is her story after all. :)

First of all, I will say, to answer the first question on your author note, that some informations about the Mormon life style was good, like the subtility you put in the passage on the Mission. It was done very subtly and hint the Mormon lifestyle without overwhelming the real theme : Coral’s views on herself and the children. But to be real honest, the paragraph on the Personal project seems a bit too much. It distract from the story and doesn’t really bring something to the reader. I think Coral is fine, as a title as it’s like a personal growth story centred on how the main character deal with her childhood memories through her meeting with Emily or if you prefer, Ash.

I really like your POV and the way you handled the Asperger syndrome of Coral and her uneasiness to deal with the fact that deep down, she want to hide it. It’s a duality between ‘’I want to be a normal adult and do the same things as my friends’’ and ‘’I can’t handle noises, crowds or being touch”. It’s the duality well explain in the opening. I want to be an normal adult but at the same time, I still have the same needs as the children here.’’ That’s how I see it. We see Coral dealing with her community and remembering how her parents treat her like that. I don’t know a thing abour Mormon religion but it seems strict and demanding. For exemple, she can’t do door to door as she’s going to eventually have a meltdownAnd it’s quite interesting that you have choose to put your main character in that context. She needs to accept that there’s things she need to let go and that her God still love her as she is. The fact that she presents herself as Coral at the end proves that both accept the adult and child within her.

I don’t know if it’s because your character is autistic that I feel that way but I felt like Rebekah, Rachel, even Sister Hansen were blurry. I almost couldn’t tell who was who between the 3 or 4 other girls. Also, I feel like the day at the camp was just a list of turning around. Yes, Coral is remembering her childhood but beside the gluten-free cookie incident… I don’t feel that much emotion. I wish you had substract some unnecessary surrounding details to focus more on emotions. For example when nobody is listening to her when she want to say that one of the other girl grab Emily by the chin. I don’t feel enough the frustration, the anger or the anxiety, duting the day.

I hope it helps!