|Reviews for Lighthouse in the Sea of Space|
| MarkVector chapter 1 . 3/1/2018
I enjoy science fiction and I try to write humour myself so I was looking forward to reading this.
I’ll start going to the forum and playing the review game at a later date, but first I need to practise reviewing books, and thought I’d start with options I’d enjoy reading. Hope you don’t mind. I don’t expect a review in return.
I liked the two main characters. Jace is a typical 19 year old, obsessed with firm breasts and eager to learn. Whereas Elthera is quite maternal and confident in her prowess.
The humour is good, but I would have liked more, that could just be me.
I really enjoyed chapter one. It didn’t disappoint in the story and I can see great things are about to happen. Shame I didn’t see an action scene in chapter one as I’m not sure this represents the majority of the book. I guess the description tags did say romantic and humour so I should expect a romcom as opposed to an action adventure story in space.
Please feel free to ignore what you wish. I am by no means an expert and I rarely practise what I preach, which is a crying shame.
Your first two sentences contain four ‘hads’, where sometimes a stronger verb is available bringing the reader closer to the action. An example might be, ‘had met him at Titan nexus and they had made the final phase of the journey together.’ - instead of ‘had made’ another option is travelled Less word count, tighter writing. Another example is in the next sentence, ‘the lights in the bus were flickering.’ - changing to an active voice might help, as in ‘the lights in the bus flickered.’
The paragraph as they get off the bus is telling and a tiny bit of an info dump. It even hints that it could be said, as the two leave the bus, in dialogue - especially as the first line says Jace had told the doctor... but maybe you chose this to do this for brevity.
The first couple of paragraphs you normally want the reader to be asking questions and wondering what will happen next. The part that interests me, already is the Rogue Robot war and becoming a metahuman. I would personally focus even more on those two parts at the start, instead of the ‘long, cold journey through space’. Were the heaters broken on the ship? I’m sorry, I’m being pedantic. Man, I have a lot to learn about giving reviews.
It doesn’t ‘show’ Jace as being nervous, even though he is about to apply for something that has taken the last three years of his life, but maybe he is just a confident son of a gun where nothing riles him - which could have been shown in that dialogue section including why he was there and the current state of the universe. Ah, I should have read more. The two are talking, and even about his nervousness. But still could have been extended to reduce the infodump.
Doors slid silently and the cleaning bots hoovered silently next to each other in practically the same sentence. Perhaps let one of them hum or just remove the adjectives.
He pressed a buttton on his communicator and pressed a button on the lift in almost the same sentence. Good to see buttons are still with us in the future - Alexa and Siri won’t be happy.
After this I won’t mention active voice or showing again. I promise. It just seems a good place which might read differently. Please forgive me but I’d like to perform an experiment to see how two sentences change without hads and moving more to an active voice.
- Original They had turned into a wide, gaming hall. A crowd of men with glowing helmets were seated around a table at which there stood a lady with bright a green and shiny face. Her dark hair was tied back in a ponytail, accentuating her smooth, green forehead. Her lips were a darker green almost black. There were spheres of flashing light hovering around her. She grinned widely, her teeth contrasting with her green face.
- Experiment They turned into the gaming hall. A crowd of men sat around a table. Amidst their glowing helmets, stood a bright green faced lady with a dark ponytail, pulled tight above her smooth forehead. She grinned and her white teeth accentuated dark green, almost black, lips, while spheres of light hovered around her.
74 words in the original and 53 in the experiment.
I wouldn’t presume to say shorter is better, but it is a quick test that highlights not all words are necessary.
I’d also be tempted to put some smells and noises to show the gaming hall. Not sure you need wide as hall suggests it’s quite large. Don’t need shiny as it’s used in a couple sentences later about her nose. I understand smooth forehead - either that or she’s a Klingon. Personally, I wouldn’t use the pulled back part of the pony tail as most people know what a pony tail is. Not sure a grin would reveal her teeth, better a laugh or even a basic smile. Green is used four times in that short paragraph. Omit needless words as they say.
Like that Elthera is flawed with the gambling.
Not sure why there are ellipsis after the shape of her firm breasts.
I like the figure poured into the suit comment.
She scrunches her nose a lot, maybe she has an allergy.
Blue eyes? That would have been a nice colour to throw in amongst the initial reveal of Elthera.
Careful of repeating dialogues that someone has just said. For example ‘I was lucky I met the doctor,’ then for Elthera to answer, ‘it was lucky you two met, wasn’t it?’
But the cuddle joke made me laugh.
...how much of a prat did muscly guy think Jace was? - might be classed as author intrusion.
Two hints she’s made of plastic...I’m curious now.
Up, down etc are sometimes superfluous. She swallowed it down in one swig versus she swallowed it in one swig are essentially the same. He gingerly sat down. If you look at this section you’ll see you use the words up and down a number of times. Plumped herself down. Etc.
He shifted nervously on his feet. Doesn’t need ‘on his feet’.
She must be plastic, as there’s another pretty blatant comment.
I liked the way you get Elthera’s back story in. Very clever.
And I loved the ending of chapter one. Nail biting.
Thanks for that. I hope there is something useful in there for you to rummage through.
I wish you all the best with you’re writing.
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 5 . 2/27/2018
I wasn’t really expecting Jace to go out on a quest of his own but I really like the idea. It forces him to get some experience and learn and grow before he gets another chance - if he ever does.
Love the dark ironic humor with the villains hahaha
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 4 . 2/24/2018
This chapter was funny. It makes sense that she won’t test Jace now but obviously the story isn’t over yet so I wonder what will happen
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 3 . 2/18/2018
So, there are a few times when you state things a little too plainly and it weakens the prose. I think I’ll start with an example of that and a suggestion. First, the second paragraph. It might sound better like this.
[Jace thought about Elthera as he fell asleep. Her voluptuous form. Her radiant green face. He dreamed of holding her; her green, cold cheek touching his…]
The part of forgetting his interview questions was relatable. However, the dialogue in that part doesn’t match what he’s feeling. Most people if they’re nervous won’t start talking so candidly.
I like the lore in this. The idea of game characters becoming self-aware and causing so much destruction as a BACKSTORY (as opposed to well, a story) is interesting.
Nice amount of description in the fight scene. I could picture it without the pacing being slowed down.
Yeah, Jace is gonna have to do something REALLY AWESOME now in order to be still considered a candidate. That’s a pretty bad screw-up, even if Elthera is very empathetic.
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 2 . 2/17/2018
This is a fun story. Elthera is a nice person. She shouldn’t be too soft, but IDK what’s wrong with being courteous.
Is this related to My Sister from the Stars? That one scene had the exact same dialogue.
| RisanF chapter 1 . 2/16/2018
Obviously, the star of the show here is the green space babe, who is likable almost immediately, with a gambling habit to add just the right touch of naughiness. Elthera is a good name for this kind of character (sounds like "Athena," a name with a good reputation). Your protagonist is pretty stock, but he really doesn't need to be much else for this kind of story. You get us up to speed pretty fast, though I usually like to add more details for my own works (but a lot of readers these days have low attention spans, so...)
Anyhow, good start!
| mycastleheart chapter 1 . 2/13/2018
RG easy fix review
I've always liked the space journeying sort of setting, though I've never been brave enough to explore it myself. There's a few grammatical errors here and there, but they're so minor that I barely caught them. Jace is an interesting character, you can tell that he's kind of awkward but wants to be a big hero. Bringing up her dead parents probably wasn't the smoothest thing, lol. This story has a lot of potential, and I hope to see you branch out a lot in the universe you've created. Can't wait to see what happens next!