|Reviews for Magician's Wars|
| Shang chapter 6 . 8/18
I like the third-person narrative; I believe it serves this sort of stories better. After a rather slow start the story is picking up and that is also a good thing, even if some things feel random (like Gabrielle and Genji's fight, for example).
The "fan service" is fine, granted seeing it outside of my own stories I wonder if that really works in literature without graphical aid :D There does seem to be a bit much of it, considering it never felt like that will be the tale's focus; manga is rarely subtle with something like this, but it tends to keep it under control for the most part when in a genre not meant for it, so finding a center is my suggestion... as they say "too much of a good thing is not good" ;)
Now that plot-wise we get some sort of inside, the story can intrigue the readers further, keeping up their interest.
| Shang chapter 3 . 8/13
Seven elements... that's bull! Any ecomancer from my "Final Magic" story would tell you there's only five! And it's not "light", it's "lightING" :P
At this point I fear Claire will turn out to be responsible for these shadows. Still before this chappie, I was more expecting her to be the "good guy" and Gabrielle the evil overlord. Much more of a twist in my opinion, though I still may be wrong on some accounts anyway.
A pretty good chapter overall that does jump-start the main plot (at least for this arc). We'll see where you'll go from here.
| Shang chapter 2 . 8/8
Back to reading and I see there's a form of fanservice in this one '
For a story about magic, there's relatively little of it thus far, particularly in this chapter; don't misunderstand - having chapters different from the usual formula is okay, but this early in the story I question if it is a good idea. Remember that this is the manga section, so people have a bit different expectations regarding style and flow of the story than in most other genres. In fact, how this entry turned out, I got a weird vibe that you are suddenly going for a harem type story (and I kinda know, because I tried one back in the day and I might remake that tale in the future ').
The "product placement" got me cringing a bit; this being manga section, referencing other manga ("Fullmetal Alchemist" for example) is fine and even AC/DC or One Direction can slip, but the mention of "Axe" was sorta in a bad taste; I assume you were going for a joke (I kinda do that too as I actually use Axe myself :D), but it just didn't feel right at all.
Also using actual religion, especially in a fantasy setting, is risky as it isn't hard to offend people, so I advice you watch your step with Claire.
Still I generally liked the chapter and at one time I liked the harem genre, so despite not being what I signed up for, I like the parts with Claire and Gabrielle, even if the setting doesn't feel manga-ish '
| Shang chapter 1 . 8/7
I finally managed to read this after various difficulties. At the moment it's hard to make an actual opinion on the story; the writing style is good (though I'm always reserved about first-person narration in an action/adventure type of tale as I have yet to see it "work") though I have noticed a few grammar "hiccups" along the way; nothing major, so no big.
Plotwise very little is revealed and the chapter is kind of a bore; don't take this the wrong way - I don't mind entries centering on a character and not action-heavy; it's just that a chapter of that sort may not be the best way to open an adventure story (people who read manga, which are the type most likely to read your story, given the section in which you placed this, kinda expect to get hooked from the start... note that every shounen manga with action has some sort of a fight in its pilot chapter).
I did like Rose; the narration and general comments towards her ("thunder thights" :D that sounds like some sort of fetish ') were rather humorous and yet he isn't just a comic relief, so congrats on managing this.
Overall I think there's room for improvement, but you've managed to keep me interested to read on. Granted I've only recently returned to FictionPress and having my own stories (remakes actually) to update I'm only browsing for stories I intend to read later, but I'll mark your tale and return to it in the near future.
P.S. btw, Kamehameha wasn't a "ball" but a "stream" or "wave" if you prefer. Dragonball fans ain't gonna take that lightly ;P
| WolfGoesBaa chapter 2 . 3/3
Hmm... I'm always interested in stories involving magic. So this should be interesting. But I have a few problems with this chapter.
The transition between current events and past events is pretty bad and confusing. There's no warning or sign that you're telling a flashback in the middle of current events. And weren't they waiting for the bus? Now this Josh uncle is driving them to school?
It was a website that talked about magic and powers called " ". - (was that on purpose?)
First day at school and already making friends. Religion talk? In an urban fantasy? Geez your brave. I'm religious (I think) but I try not to directly involve religion (At least real world) in stories, lest I offend people (who are religious and those who aren't). Otherwise, the chapter was lackluster for me, learning about a character's likes and dislikes in terms of favourite colour and musical taste does not really excite me but you did end it well with cliffhanger.
I stopped in front of Room 233 to [hoom] room where reached the handle, - [home]
| WolfGoesBaa chapter 1 . 3/3
I'm already liking this story. Your writing is good, it flows really well and keeps the reader hooked. The story seems to promise action, drama and romance.