|Reviews for Lost Rain|
| BlackSheep Fiction chapter 3 . 6/4/2018
great job, much shorter, but still a great read!
| BlackSheep Fiction chapter 2 . 5/30/2018
i allowed myself to slowdown with this one. my editors brain didn't auto correct everything and there where small things. "Out of side" instead of sight and "made their way through the forest at a frustratingly low pace," instead of Slow pace.
all that being said however it was a very interesting read and kept my attention on the connections and conversations. I like the description of the feelings and emotions. great job!
| BlackSheep Fiction chapter 1 . 5/29/2018
very great start, i was pulled in from the start! i can looking forward to reading on!
| Zukafu Chiriamoto chapter 3 . 5/28/2018
Very much enjoyed this chapter. Lots of tension in the drama and very suspenseful angle beginning to be introduced. Both characters Teleri (which is a very pretty name, I must say) and Richard. It does a lot of hinting at the wider supernatural world which is very intriguing – vampire politics, rules, customs, etc.
It draws a lot of questions about the stories of these two characters. Teleri’s obviously a very vampire but that’s all that’s been given so far. No why and no how. Richard is even more of an enigma. I cannot wait to find out more!
| Max Stirner chapter 5 . 5/25/2018
While I am interested in the sober presentation of the characters within the story and the pacing does not throw me off, there were a few little thoughts niggling at me when reading. Keep in mind that I don’t think this is a BAD story. I'll just clarify a few things that bothered me:
Somehow characters appear rather stiff. I'm not talking about the characterisation here; the quiescent way in which the reader gets to know the main character in chapter one is smooth and flows like it should.
I'll give some examples:
In chapter two, Telari joins a complete stranger to his hotel room after having basically been sexually harassed in a pub not moments earlier. This behaviour is odd considering the circumstances and it feels too 'convenient' for the main character to randomly trust a man she doesn't know a thing about. Explaining it as her 'sensing' that he's trustworthy comes across as enormously cheap, in the sense that their meeting is required by the plot and therefore happens, despite there being no real Watsonian reason for it. Characters should drive the plot, not the other way around. The way it is now, she appeared more as a literary device than a living, breathing person. It’s a shame, because in the preceding segment she did really come to life trying to deal with a bothersome person.
To add on to this: it is established that she does not like the idea of drinking human blood at all, but it never really shows it that much in her behaviour. While it is literally described as unpleasant for her in the narration, this fact never becomes more than exposition- it never bleeds into her actions. We're told she refrained from drinking the stuff for two weeks, but the message would've been clearer to the reader if she actually showed signs of disgust. If I was writing that scene, she would've been vomiting through her fingers about halfway through the chapter just from having smelled the blood she's offered... something that would've made the man she’s with following up with a "cheers" poignant, if not hilarious.
Conversations that characters have are oddly disjointed. The way that dialogue is interupted by enormous paragraphs of exposition is jarring because it disrupts the flow that a real conversation would have. As a writer you need to make a commitment to a conversation between characters, utilise it to its fullest, and most of all realise that to a reader, a character's response to something that is said will always be infinitely more interesting than any amount of pontificating narrative that is given pertaining to the conversation ever could be (in most instances).
The exposition in between the dialogue is quite redundant most of the time. In basically every single instance I came across it, the contents of the interrupting paragraph could have been better off delivered as dialogue, moved to a different part of the chapter, or left out entirely. It is also often used to pose questions regarding the intentions/motivations of other characters, using the thoughts of the narrator. The problem is that these questions are not needed. If the readers aren't asking themselves these questions in the first place there's little reason to point these questions out as the author. At best you're holding the hand of lazy readers, at worst you're clogging the story up in such a way that people will think "get on with it."
By now we know that e.g. the main character is a reserved person- we understand that he feels bothered in some ways, he is slightly apathetic and that his mind wanders. We know this without having it being told to us every time he speaks.
Dialogue, in short, is used to reveal a character's intentions and emotions, and thus should be DRIPPING with personality. It should reveal who they are- if this is done successfully, no more exposition about them is needed about that specifically, and more attention can be focussed on e.g. setting the scene, the mood, and other things that can't be shown directly (and I will admit that this DOES also happen in the story).
As it is now, there are a lot of interesting ideas and events, and that's why it's such a shame that the presentation seems lacking in some ways, and that's not counting the few solecisms sprinkled about (for instance: the plural of 'wolf' is 'wolves,' not 'wolfs').
Perhaps the overall of problem to me is that there's too much showing and too little telling, and that what is being shown is a story that begs to be told in a bit more elegant way.
If you have the time, I suggest reading "Hills Like White Elephants" by Hemingway.
Looking forward to reading the new chapter!
| RavenIves chapter 2 . 5/21/2018
My apologies for the wait on this chapter. I will begin. Though I doubt I'll be much help:
-Perhaps try capitalizing the 'K' in 'Keeper' to indicate importance (I think that's the right word). Keeper could mean a lot of things and capitalizing the K might help to differentiate it within the story.
-That being said, I like the Keeper so far.
-I still think Leo is a werewolf by the way he’s…standing up to this other wolf. Whatever he is, he is not human because I think the wolf would’ve sensed that and just ripped him to pieces anyhow.
-Not sure how Leo detected the familial relationship between the Keeper and werewolf, as mother and son but again it’s late and I could just be mentally scrambled from my second cup of coffee and a long day. Yet I am very interested to see where it goes, if anywhere.
| Write the Night chapter 5 . 5/20/2018
I'd like to say your story is good, but there are a few things that get me.
The first thing is spacing in paragraphs. The spacing is wrong it makes the story challenging to read for the reader. Every time the subject changes a new paragraphs should begin.
Some of the grammar is a bit off. I noticed a few run on sentences. Nothing major just minor things.
Another thing, you have a tendency to repeat or explain actions.
The air in Leo's throat seemed to get stuck and his abdomen had turned to stone as fear flushed through his system like a cold shiver. He hadn't thought this through, this was not what he had in mind when he jumped in, there was no plan from here on out.
I browed this exert. It's a good set up, but I feel there's to much. I know the fear ran through his system. After this line he has no plan. In a fight the last thing on the mind of some one being attacked isn't usually thinking about the wolf.
This could be a character flaw on both characters parts. The wolf having no desire to attack Leo and the keeper. This could be Leos lack of experience. I like it but I don't at the same time. Fights are almost always quick. Its just something to keep in mind for the future.
In chapter one, I get an essence if Leo. He's a hard and dedicated worker and I got the impression that he was worried about something.
I as a reader couldn't grasp what he was holding on to or why he is so worried. It's a mystery and I like that, but as his story progressed he lost that worry. His attention turned to his work and then to the forest.
Chapter two is were the story began to get interesting for him. To be honest Teleri Story really got me. I enjoyed the introduction and I really liked the character that connects these two story's.
What I really like about this story is it brings me back to the days when I played Vampire the Masquerade. The idea of werewolves and vampires makes me want to break out my books.
I don't want to bombard you. I read your profile, you said you didn't like that. Writing long reviews is hard. I will say this, I've been writing for twenty two years. I think supernatural authors are awesome. Just because you write supernatural doesn't make you any less of a writer, it makes you a bold writer.
If those people don't believe me, just look at the works of H.P. Minecraft, Edgar Allen Poe, Seth Grahame-Smith, Steven King and J.K. Rowling.
Write the Night
| RavenIves chapter 1 . 5/13/2018
I will review Chapter One before I head to sleep (And reluctantly work tomorrow). I'm definitely intrigued. You are very good at descriptions. I'm no expert but a few things (these are absolutely not meant as harsh negatives or detract from your story/writing ability in any way):
-Perhaps add a line-break between '-he was alone in the files office' and 'Leo woke up from a deep dreamless sleep' just to show that a bit of time has passed.
-A tiny minor thing but perhaps capitalize the chapter titles (First entrance-First Entrance) just to give it a pit of polish.
-I like Kate already for some reason. I suspect she's a vampire...which will probably make me like her even more. I apologize if she turns out to be horrid.
-I could just be an idiot but I couldn't quite glean what Leo's position at the hospital is. Is he a nurse, doctor, administrator? Another tiny thing, don't beat yourself up about it.
Now I have weird descriptions for how certain stories make me feel so please bear with my weirdness. I felt like a combination of calmly stepping into my local park on a warm night with reading snippets of Anne Rice's The Witching Hour...which is definitely a good sign. I look forward to reading Chapter 2.
| Zukafu Chiriamoto chapter 2 . 5/13/2018
What a tragedy, the chapter is over. However, it does give me the pleasure of writing this review. So, let's get down to business...
First off, though I have said it once, I'm saying it again. I definitely prefer the rewritten version of this chapter so very good call on the change.
The voice of Leo comes across so vividly. The tone matches what we know of him so far and some of the quirk also get the chance to shine through. I particularly liked the part where he's debating whether he should intervene or not. I had far too much fun reading that bit aloud.
The descriptions, more specifically the level of detailing fitted. There was a mixture for some good old variation of longer a few short areas which kept it interesting. Also, it was relevant to the moment. The finer sights of the broken twigs, the footprints, the hairs came in because we readers needed to see that to explain Leo's logic. The plot needed it. But you didn't try and needlessly bog down the pace with reems of General forest description for no reason which I always appreciate.
I loved the Greek women of allure comparison. Plus the line, "no one would enter it if the sun wasn't there to protect them against the darkness." It really stuck with me for some reason!
Only spotted one error. "'Were you send?'" The last word should be 'sent'. Easily fine but fortunately easily fixed too.
Lots of questions are being raised now. Mysteries are starting to unwind, especially with that big reveal at the end. What can I say? I didn't see it coming. I very much enjoyed and I cannot wait for my next opportunity to carry on.
| RainbowPearls chapter 2 . 5/13/2018
I'm actually a bit unsure if I exactly grasped each and every theory but I liked how the events flowed, and the curiosity that was created.
The werewolf was the keeper's son. That shivered me a bit. What is this lady upto...
I liked how you described the keeper from the point of view of Leo. He seemed less frightened when the wolf was almost steeling his life and not that scared he was almost killed.
At last, he got some company with the keeper.
| RainbowPearls chapter 1 . 5/13/2018
Wow, I like your story! The descriptions and the flow of your story is cool and it has perfection. It makes reader willing to continue to read and learn more about the characters, especially the protagonist, Leo.
I'm wondering what exactly Emil wanted to say to his maybe 'friend' and how he was getting to his nerves. I didn't like that since Leo was getting uncomfortable, and irritated as well.
Kate is stern, though she gets soft when she wants too. I can say Leo is pretty lucky that he didn't get caught sleeping by Kate and she assumed and believed that he's been working all the time. It reminded me of one of the instances similar to this. ;)
I can say Leo likes to be alone, doesn't like much people around, has a dedication and peace in doing his work. :) and I guess I really like his attitude. Felt sorry for him when he accepted the invitation reluctantly by Kate.
The last part speaking of the blood and his excitement was a little confusing and I guess I'll be cleared with his desires and further motives in the next chapter. ..
Nice story you got here! :) :):)
| Zukafu Chiriamoto chapter 1 . 5/5/2018
Well, I read to the end. Admittedly, yes, it took me one or two attempts but that’s more to do with my circumstances at the time not being quite right, I suppose. I somewhat presumed there was going to be a ‘lighter’ start based on the supernatural genre. Something to dive into quickly. Not quite the case.
Now, this isn’t intended as criticism because (and I want to stress this) you did it well. It was a measured pace. It wasn’t simply filler that bored me. And it certainly wasn’t what I then expected when I realised it wasn’t the ‘in the heart of the action’ start. Though it wasn’t very action based, you made several hints of things to come and you have crammed in a whole lot of other details that are engaging in a wholly different way.
Oh, shall I list these? I mean, as the writer you’re very likely aware of them all but still, I like to show that I did notice these finer points. There was tons of insight into various character relations and the dynamics of that. You affirmed the reality of Leo’s life at the present (or, what I guess might be, one part of his life that most people see?) as well as his personality and attitudes to certain things. There is also that definite atmosphere of this all leading up to something, though it’s not clear exactly what just yet. That hint of something dark comeths from the wings is there…
And when I get another spare moment to fully immerse myself, I hope I shall be finding out.
Until next time,
| Fay Voss chapter 4 . 4/24/2018
(Getting this out of the way first. I'm pretty sure up near the top you mean "bath robe" instead of "bath rope" and "relief" instead of "relieve.")
Rogue vampire sounds like a fun mystery. I doubt it's Leo, but I guess it could be. Wonder if it's actually the werewolf pup being sloppy because it doesn't know any better, or maybe it's a character who hasn't been introduced yet... hmm.
| ElvenValar chapter 3 . 4/13/2018
| ElvenValar chapter 2 . 4/13/2018