|Reviews for The Wanton Kingdom|
| Fall Storm chapter 6 . 5/22/2019
I like this so far.
| Ookamifemale001 chapter 22 . 8/22/2018
Awesome! I love this. Go, Bram! X) You're a great writer. I'd appreciate a review from you.
| Exiled Adrian chapter 19 . 8/2/2018
Wow. Just Wow.
Cedric's in a world of pain and crap. Rosa may be ending up going rogue scholar. Bram's probably in for a surprise... Dude, things are looking bleak.
| The-Lost-Cat-Of-Forgotten-Gods chapter 5 . 6/8/2018
The point made here is that her father is a manipulative man, who should be overconcerned about his precious little daughter, and the daughter who doesn't want to be a caged bird, but also doens't know how to fly out into the world. That point came across, but not quite as smooth as it could be.
Tom is a business man - one of the best - therefore I assume he knows how to put up a convincing story. This wasn't the case that much. He basically commanded her to believe him and threatened her straight in her face, whereas a businessman would probably say things such as "My dear, I've missed you so much. Is everything all right?" On which Rosa replies she isn't too well, as an excuse why she wasn't visiting, on which he would answer "So I've heard, (part in which he brings up a few things that haven't been going too well lately, smoothly going over on the subject of Bram - not telling her he's a good-for-nothing, but instead playing in on Rosa's doubts about him, and making her come to that conclusion herself)." etc. Then he tells her that he's seen how much she wants to stand on her own feet, and how Bram will not help her in that process, mentioning that he had never meant for her to live off his belongings for so long in between the lines (threatening her indirectly). Then, once Rosa is fully convinced that her father is right, he'll mention he may have set up a diner with Cedric for her, would she be interested, hinting how good a suitor he would be, and Rosa initially leaves feeling like this is the best plan on of action. He'll also tell her somewhere that he heard about "an incident with a commoner boy trespasing," and reminds her how dangerous it would be if she were to get involved with such things (not saying she was involved - although they both know he knows). Then, on her way home, she realises how he's played her yet again, and we'll hear all her doubts.
Of course, I'm not telling you to write it just like that, but I do think that the whole scene would come across considerably more credible.
Furthermore, I noticed you used many adjectives in these scenes - a few too many, actually, especially since not all of them were that necessary - and they slow down the pacing while confusing the reader on what is actually important. Maybe think, with every adjective you write, whether or not it truly adds something, or if you're just writing it "for being fancy." There were also a few spelling errors with unimportant words left out or using the wrong word accidently.
I still like Rosa as a character and wonder what course she will be taking - now I hope she gets so angry with Bram or her father that she heads out by herself, but I doubt that's what's going to happen.
| Exiled Adrian chapter 15 . 5/28/2018
A few things to take away from this:
1) She LIED to her old teacher. I'm laughing right now because if he found out what was really going on, the reaction would be priceless. I don't know if he'd agree with it if the truth was known, but it's just hilarious to me. Still, if word does get out about what's really going on, there will be a massive fire storm of trouble.
2) I hope she's careful that she doesn't get caught.
3) a few possibilities here as well: She gets caught reading something she shouldn't, she doesn't return the key and that's just at the top of my head. With luck, nothing bad happens! And hopefully, she finds some really interesting and great stuff. Would love to see her get some dirt on Garvey... provided Garvey doesn't get dirt on her or Bram.
4) Is Veneta like Venice? (only asking because of the name) And is it an ally or potential ally to Angkor? I should ask what every other nation's opinion of Angkor is.
| Exiled Adrian chapter 14 . 5/25/2018
So, Bram's adopted parents were killed by raiders sometime in the War. Was the Kingdom at war already by this time or did the raid start the war?
I can think of a few reasons for why the raiders did it: fear tactics, I would say, strike fear into the enemy, sending a message.
Another reason would be resources, but I have no idea how the economy for the Kitezhans was around the time of Bram's adopted family's demise.
Just how big is the land that Angkor is on? what's the rest of the geography? Have you made a map? If so, send me a link so I can look at it.
(Sadly, I don't have a map for my book. I have a rough idea for how it should look, but that's about it)
Interesting that you have reptilian mounts. Wonder how you tame 'em, raise 'em, and hope to high heaven that they don't eat you.
Another thing, so, what other tribes/ nations are in the continent that Angkor's on? What other cities are there in the kingdom? How big is the kingdom? What are its borders?
Is the world mostly water with archipelago landmasses with one or two continents or are there several continents like say the size of Asia, Europe, and such?
Hope this review helps!
| The-Lost-Cat-Of-Forgotten-Gods chapter 4 . 5/25/2018
I've been interupted up to 3 times, hopefully I can finally get to reviewing now.
The part you wrote after Virgil's sarcastic clapping, you use "so" quite close after each other, and it sounded a bit weird to me, I suggest rephrasing that (there, an actual phrasing note of me XD ).
Another part where you speak of how Rosa and Bram worked together made me think of the show Merlin (I'm currently watching it, so no surprise there) - have you seen it? Cause I think you could get quite some inspiration from that show for their relationship and generally, how Rosa's magic works. Either way, I like how there's a difference in sorcery (to steal ideas from Merlin; there's an "ancient religion" there that involves the old magic and is nearly extinct, which is an idea not too uncommon to fantasy, and I think it would benefit your story too, if you don't already have it).
When Bram is fighting the spawn, you should perhaps add more details on what he hears, smells, and possibly feels - I especially miss cries from the spawn. You did make it roar literally 5 sentences after I wrote that - but smaller cries and noises make the creature come to life.
Another phrasing (I'm on a roll here, haha); Bram knew such a thing would be disastrous! uhm... really, really leave out "Bram knew." It sounds a bit silly. We're looking from his perspective, you don't need to add it.
Ooh! I love how you used the ship's turning this time, really adds in the action and shows Bram is capable of more than just swiping around a sword.
Phrasing (seriously, what's wrong with me today); "the irresponsible fool responsible" is not something you want in a sentence. Similarly, I kept saying "remarkable remark" today, and it was weird. That said, I like how Virgil messes up, doesn't recognise his mistake, and now gives way for a hopefully beautiful argument between the two in the next chapter.
Overall, this chapter isn't all that different from the first, making me wonder if it wouldn't be smarter to have one big chapter instead - in case you want to turn it into a novel, anyhow, for FP I guess it's ok (because FP people stop reading when chapters get too long, and you won't get as much feedback).
| Exiled Adrian chapter 13 . 5/18/2018
Wow. Just. Wow. I really thought Rosa was ticked at Bram and vice versa. Would love to see the scullery maid get her comeuppance. They did nice, acting out their 'anger'. Again, I really thought she was ticked and Bram would end up looking like a total dirtbag. Instead, they pretended. I tip my hat and clap my hands!
Also, interesting theory that Rosa has about where Virgil got his sunstones. I would also like to see how in the heck he could unlock the sunstones and how he found out about doing it. Is Bram the Savior? If not, then who? Could it be the kid? Rosa? Shoot. Too early to tell. I swear, it's like the next Game of Thrones if this ever gets turned into a TV show. Or something else entirely, you never know.
Another thing: so, you called the Minoan sunstone a 'Pisces'... does that mean that the others are also named after Constellations or birth signs? Do Sunstones have the same power or different kinds of powers for each one?
I personally think King Richard's making a big mistake trying to gather 'em all like Pokemon. That'll just leave Garvey taking them all, giving them to his master, and then ... ahem...'It's the End of the World as We Know It!' to quote the song. And no, I would NOT feel fine about it. I'll be tuning into this, you can bet it!
| Exiled Adrian chapter 10 . 5/18/2018
1) Shoot! Garvey's now a Chief Advisor.
2) Yay! Bram gets an old friend back!
3) Personally think the king's either being lied to or bewitched. Definitely going with bewitched!
Great job. Sadly, I'm not that good at criticizing folks. I did think you were trying to spell 'insurgents' when you said 'insurgence'... but I could very well be wrong. Still, good chapter! Keep it up!
| Exiled Adrian chapter 9 . 5/18/2018
Just what on Earth is Virgil serving?! The Devil of Gaia?! Creepy... and I don't like where this is going (feelings-wise) Personally, I wanted to know what the 'Darkness' said to his subconscious. Good job on showing us Virgil view of things.
| The-Lost-Cat-Of-Forgotten-Gods chapter 3 . 5/15/2018
This isn't too different from the chapter I already reviewed, so I can leave out things I've already said.
I'm not sure I actually like this version more than the earlier one I read. In the previous one you explained her backstory, and as I said then; it's telling, but it's not bothersome. Her backstory explains why she's feeling depressed better. There were some things that needed fine-tuning, but I could relate with her much better.
Her interaction with the maid was much better in this one, and the (for me new) info on her father's view on Bram was interesting too, yet could be executed stronger.
The touch of Bram no longer bringing cuttings was neat, as it's yet another sign that their relationship is slowly crumbling away.
What I don't really understand is why you added the child. Or well, I understand that you want to dig deeper into the big division between rich and poor, that it's unfair, and that it bothers her, but people running in to each other, and the kid breaking a leg as an excuse for Rosalyn to use her manna felt forced. I think that just describing a scene that's quite normal, but clearly shows the difference between them would work a lot better here - and I'm sure you can explain the magic later.
| Exiled Adrian chapter 8 . 5/11/2018
Chapter 8 impressions:
I knew what was up. I knew it. I'm interested in what your influences were for this story. And I have to say:
1) Who's the 'Chancellor' ?(Never mind, will find out more later, I'm sure)
2) I'm interested in where this story is going. I'm wondering who the Savior is for this story. I'll read it some more!
| The-Lost-Cat-Of-Forgotten-Gods chapter 2 . 5/6/2018
I haven't played (any) final fantasy, but I do see how this could be related to such a game (I've watched dishonoured for a bit). The MC would do very well for a game character, and him being send on a quest while having to deal with regular monsters, well... let's just say I was kind of expecting a tutorial. His background story with the war also fits the game scenario perfectly - I'm more or less expecting the king turning on him, or the king having some terrible secret that'll turn the MC agaist him. I mean, he's already making questionable choices as it is (why would they invade the neighbouring countries, and why not make them part of the kingdom, instead of using them like money cows, something is up with this king). The annoying politician/ noble also fits well, though you gave it a twist by making the guy seemingly useful for a change, which is nice.
Moving on, first chapter review. A first chapter is incredibly important, as it needs to convince the reader this is worth reading, it needs to vaguely hint at things to come so readers know what they're up against, it usually also needs a lot of characterisation and (in case of supernatural/ fantasy) it needs to introduce you to a world of magic and mystery. Jeez, what a task. With a fantasy world such as your own (which is fairly complicated, with wars, and creatures, and special knights, and strange aircrafts), and an MC with a huge backstory, introducing a reader who's new to all this needs some smart thinking.
You'll have to do a lot of telling (which you did) if you want the reader to get it in one go - is that something you should want? Isn't it enough to just describe what the MC sees? You can describe what his armor looks like (and perhaps not mention everything it can do, we can figure that out in battle later), you can hint he's a "big shot" (the guy in charge, with special combat training, probably the best fighter around) by how others treat him or how he treats others, and you can leave his background (orphan of strange origin) a mystery for now - giving away (a big part of) a character's full backstory in the first chapter is something I wouldn't ever do (knowingly, anyway XD ). Readers like mysteries, this whole background can be very exiting to slowly figure out! If the story can allow such things. This whole story about "the war" is something you can tell later, OR, if it's important readers get it from point one, you may want to consider a prologue in the style of "Avatar; the last airbender" (look it up if you don't know what I'm talking about). By leaving these things for now, you can skip a let of telling in your first chapter, and focus on what's really important (because, in 99/100 cases, telling instead of showing, is well... boring. If it's an interesting story, it can still do, but it might be more interesting to tell such a story in a more interesting way).
What's really important right now? 1; characterise your MC and possibly any other people, 2; introduce the start of your story. From what I've read, Bram is a skilled fighter who likes the battlefield; he has bloodlust, a bit of a brute, he doesn't like it when the politician doesn't know his place, and he's used to being at the top. He also has a love interest whom he's still in love with, giving him some redeeming qualities and the possibility for character growth (unlike the other knights, as you said, but you use the same phrasing as earlier, so you may want to change that to something like "this was something that he did differ/ was the exception in) Great. Cliche would be that he doesn't like fighting, but does so because he has to, and that he doesn't care what other people think of him. Why not extend on this? Give me parts of his thoughts, have him describe to us what things look like - not what they look like in general, but what he thinks about them. How does he see his own airship? With pride? What's he proud of? Or is it just a thing he needs, then he'll focus on the practical stuff. What does he think about his captain? Have they worked together a lot, and if so, are there stories he can think of? How does Mister Garvey look like when he first sees him? He doesn't like him, so he'll probably notice things that piss him off more. Maybe, once he figures out Mister Garvey can be usefull, he can see some better qualities in the guy that he didn't see before.
Next, the action scene with the spawns (it's good to have that in the chapter, don't get me wrong); you describe the creatures with quite some words, but the actions Bram takes get less attention (not little, but it could be more). This is his area of expertise, so surely, he has some interesting moves (you did show me one, yes), and his movements are very refined, agile, strong, you name it. There are probably more people fighting these creatures (or is Bram the only one...?), does Bram make sure not to cut them with his poisonous sword, or does he not pay attention to that (their job to stay out of the way. If they can't do that much, they make bad crewmembers. Bram seems like he'd go along with such an idea). Once he killed hundreds of them (how long did that take exactly?), he's sweating, good. Then the idea comes forward of getting rid of the bodies by "shrugging them off", so to speak? I really don't think that would work (torso's are heavy, certainly hundreds of them, not many of them would fall off with the momentum such a huge ship could produce). I might be getting a bit picky there, because we're talking fantasy - not all laws of physics need to be strictly followed - but it just sounds off, in my opinion. The second pair of monsters showing up near immediately much encourages the "this is a written out game" idea, so it might make more sense that they had followed the smaller spawns and waited for the body count - that Bram already saw them before hacking away at the bats, or that he notices them once the black cloud of bat wings has disappeared.
So far for my review. I hope you can use it. I may sound like you're doing stuff wrong or whatever, but these are things I noticed. You're doing well with your describtions and settings. I suggest rewriting, but you've got something potentially nice here.
| The-Lost-Cat-Of-Forgotten-Gods chapter 1 . 5/6/2018
Hmm... so what's up with this? haven't seen such a "chapter" on FP before. It does follow the setup of a book, I guess. It's a good idea to explain where the name wanton comes from, and to end it with a quote of shakespear himself; double points. As to your summary at the beginning; there's no need to put it on twice, is there? It's the same summary. I'm also not sure if the summary is what you want it to be. "Person A, living in world B, faces danger C. Follow a story of sacrifice and loss." To put it in easy words. Summaries are very difficult, because you need to convince your reader that you've got something interesting going on here, something they haven't read before - not like this. How to do that in a few sentences? My blank version of your summary doesn't include anything original, it simply states the lay-out of your story. That lay-out is perfectly fine and well-suited for fantasy, and sure, readers also like to know such things, because they love repetition of something they already know, but they need to know what's special about your version. What do you think you should add to tell them that as well? You can leave out those last two sentences, ad add them inside this chapter if you like.
| Exiled Adrian chapter 6 . 5/2/2018
Chapter 5: Just saying: the father's a complete jerk. I mean, I get this is technically sort of medieval times for them or Renaissance... but to modern eyes and ears: Tom Reynolds' is a dirtbag.
You did a nice job of making the characters believable!