Reviews for Forbidden
The-Lost-Cat-Of-Forgotten-Gods chapter 1 . 5/26
This story has the promise of being something very pleasant to read, but it's not quite there yet. It could be the new twilight (quite literally) or vampire diaries, but for that, the characters need to be a bit deeper, and the story needs to develop, instead of one event following up the other.
Forbidden love is such a great thing to write about, and if done well, it's one of my favourite things to read (even though I think there's no way of not writing it into a cliché). I take that the person who saved her from the mermaid is the future lover vampire. When you describe him, however, you are very focused on giving him a god-like body with the boxer hint, and the baby-blue eyes - you describe Skylar similarly. Whereas I get that they're supposed to be beautiful, those describtions are quite flat, and don't characterise them much. Plus, describing what Skylar looks like with that much detail was focussing the reader on what she looks like, instead of what she's doing. What's she's doing is more important at that point. You could mention one or two of her appearances, but no more.
Once she's saved the story doesn't make much sense anymore. She doesn't mention her saviour to her parents - you say she wants to think it over, but I don't see why that causes her to keep quiet about him. Her parents show up out of the blue once the vampire is gone - how did they know they had to be there? Then they go home, and everything is packed, moving on to that they're leaving and seperating from their daughter - she's just escaped death by an inch, and they're leaving her, I don't think any parent in their right mind would do that, unless something like this happens to her every Friday evening. Overall, this turn of events feels very rushed and illogical. You'll have to change things around. Why not have him save her after she's moved, and then her parents come visit her, all worried? If you want to start your story "in the middle of the action" which most supernatural writers do here to keep readers in their story, you could maybe write a prologue about some interaction between the two.
~Lost Cat