|Reviews for Artificial|
| big pe pee man chapter 1 . 6/6
ta boopa tshhhh
| veganALIEN chapter 1 . 2/4/2019
Really fantastic premise for a story! I like how we don't know the person Shadow is speaking to, so there's a lot of mystery yet! I also found it quite strange that Shadow was willing to leave his family behind so suddenly. Makes me think he really was a psychopath in not considering their feelings! Also, we see a lot of paranoia on his behalf, so it just raises the question of if people were really after him, or if it was just his imagination. Love, love, love!
Further feedback, if you would like to listen! I believe that you should be careful with the sentences you create, and make them more diverse, rather than repeating words. For example, "After examining himself, he was left holding his head in pain, Jack dropped the mirror and felt an awful pain in his head." Pain was listed twice, so try to use more vocabulary! Agony, throbbing, split headache, a pounding, a twinge, a pang, a prick, a sting, a swarming torment. Things like this!
Also, try to differentiate between what should be one sentence with a comma in between the phrases, and what should be two separate sentences. For example, like in the sentence mentioned before, "After examining himself, he was left holding his head in pain, Jack dropped the mirror and felt an awful pain in his head." In this sentence, there are multiple tenses, i.e., past, present, etc. So, it would be best to separate it into several sentences like such (in conjunction with the first bit of feedback above): "After examining himself, he was left holding his head in agony. Jack dropped the mirror and felt an awful twinge in his frontal lobe."
Furthermore, make sure that you are not re-telling an action. The sentences above explain almost the same thing - Instead, you can write something that reflects his state of mind, such as:
"He stared back at himself, throat constricting, a cold chill running up his unfamiliar spine. Was it even a mirror? Was he always like this? Has he always had those eyes?
The mirror shattered, and he hunched over as agony split over his frontal lobe - alien fingers clutching at was once his hair - now long ears that he felt every nerve ending down to its very core."
The above example tells a lot - from explaining that he's looking in a mirror, to his fear, to questioning if he was staring at a monster, to having tested it was really him and now questioning if he has just been insane and forgot what he looked like, then dropped the mirror from a pain in his head, and further revealing the rabbit ears with another action of clutching at his head. It tells all of this, even though the audience needs to do more work on their part; "The mirror shattered", because Shadow dropped it. "He started back at himself", because he's looking in a mirror. Telling these actions through words that do not exactly spell out what the character is doing makes your audience think harder, which I aim for myself in my writing. Just a matter of style, but I felt like including that, anyhow!
Anyway! ごめん！Sorry for the long review, but I hope it helps you for future chapters!