Reviews for Empty Inside
Kitsune95 chapter 10 . 3/30/2019
Poor Sal.
Although the pacing of this chapter seemed too quick, in my opinion. Maybe more descriptions to help pull us into the scenes more?
Sir Scott chapter 10 . 3/30/2019
Poor Sal. It seems like everyone is upset with him this day. Hopefully, he sells the records.
~Sir Scott
Kitsune95 chapter 9 . 3/15/2019
Very interesting, though I would have liked there to have been more with them in the car going to the docks. The pacing for this chapter seemed a bit too quick. In my opinion, of course
Sir Scott chapter 9 . 3/15/2019
Poor Sal. He's got his hands full. At least he thinks fast on his feet. Five dollars for a carton of cigarettes would be a real steal in today's world.
~Sir Scott
Sir Scott chapter 8 . 3/9/2019
Good story thus far. I really like Sal and the kid. I remember watching the Secret of NIMH when it came out on video back in the early eighties. It's cool to see animals in a story.
~Sir Scott
Sir Scott chapter 2 . 3/9/2019
Good chapter. One mistake. You had Bobby folding in one sentence and then in the next sentence you had him raise the bet. You probably meant Nicky instead.
~Sir Scott
Kitsune95 chapter 8 . 2/21/2019
Cool chapter. Dialogue is as fun as ever and there's a lot going on.
I think it could benefit from a slower pace though. Liz and Sal had one sort of date and already thoughts of marriage crossing her mind? On a similar note, considering their line of work, one would think Sal, Vin and them would be a bit more cautious before inviting the newbie? Just seemed a little rushed to me, in my opinion of course.
Kitsune95 chapter 7 . 2/19/2019
Nice dialogue, very natural in my opinion.
When Chris spots Sal and Liz kinda holding thumbs - which struck me as an odd image, but believable - I feel like that would have been a good time to kind of see what's going on in Chris' head. Like, he's seeing this bit of possible affection at the movie and then a bit more at home. How is he interpreting it?
Vicki Lawson chapter 1 . 2/16/2019
I like the first chapter.
Kitsune95 chapter 6 . 2/10/2019
How does pretending to be shot help reveal undercover cops? That just seemed odd to me.
Otherwise it was interesting and all. Would have liked to see more dialogue between Tony and the others though
Kitsune95 chapter 5 . 2/8/2019
-In the beginning, "Christopher groaned while getting because he didn't want to go to school" should be "...getting up...". Also, you could even drop why he was groaning since we can pretty much guess the reason there.
-The paragraph where Sal decides to visit Liz and she's watching TV. It would make more sense to say: "...her choices were limited to news and talk shows." In this same paragraph, there seem to be unnecessary words: "fairly decent", justifying why Sal goes to see Liz (which also sounds a bit repetitive)

Overall, it was interesting. A pretty chill chapter, but it still pushes the story forward. And the dialogue is great, too
Kitsune95 chapter 4 . 1/8/2019
Cool, things are moving along. Good dialogue.

As I've mentioned before, more details and varying dialogue frames could help this story. The dialogue is good, as I've said, but it seems as though the story relies almost entirely on it? The pacing is a bit quick and while that's not exactly a bad thing, it's more difficult for readers to immerse themselves in it. At least in my experience.
Kitsune95 chapter 3 . 1/5/2019
The dialogue is cool. Could perhaps benefit from some descriptive paragraphs separating the lines. In my opinion, of course.

I don't know how knowing exactly what each of them orders at the restaurant is important? It doesn't seem to add anything to the scene anyway. I did kind of like their conversation about the song though. It gives us a little more about these characters.
Kitsune95 chapter 2 . 1/4/2019
Seems like something is building up here. Definitely curious about the fed's role and how the other characters will react to him.

I would recommend reading this over again as there seem to be a few confusing points. One in particular is somewhere in the middle of the poker game:
"I got nothing," added Bobby, also folding.
"I'll raise," said Bobby, tossing in two chip.

I think you might have mixed the characters up a little? Also, on the poker game, I think showing a bit more of it could be cool and help readers get to know the characters a little. Like whether they have tells, habits, and such. I do like how the dialogue flows between talk of business and poker - like the game is second nature to them.
Kitsune95 chapter 1 . 1/2/2019
It's definitely interesting. After all, it's not every day I read about mice.
It does seem a bit dialogue heavy though. At least to me. It could perhaps benefit from more diverse and detailed dialogue frames? Like describing what the characters are doing as they speak? Stuff like that. The dialogue itself though is great.