|Reviews for 3 Scenes:|
| i'm sherlock chapter 1 . 1/6/2019
The stories were very engaging, although suffered from poor sentence-structuring. The way you construct your sentences is often broken and more convoluted than it needs to be.
For example, from the opening line of the first scene, you write: "Walking through Utah was much like doing so inside of a hair dryer, which had been turned to its highest intensity. While simultaneously making one's way through a wall of dust due to the fact that someone had set a dust devil on its reverse setting."
Firstly, because you are making a direct comparison, you should mirror your words. (Walking through Utah was much like walking inside a hair dryer.) Used comparatively, "doing so" is overly-wordy. Strive to write concisely. :) Adding "which had been turned to its highest intensity" is unnecessary as the reader is more than capable of assuming you are not talking about a hair dryer emitting a gentle, warm breeze.
Secondly, the second sentence should be merged with the first. Otherwise, it's a sentence fragment. (Walking through Utah was much like walking inside a hair dryer while simultaneously combatting a wall of dust coughed up by a dust devil set in reverse.) This is just an example of how you could merge these two sentences concisely, and you by no means have to copy this word-for-word. :)
When describing something non-literally (i.e. walking inside hair dryers and walls of dust from reversed dust devils to exaggeratedly describe Utah's unforgiving, dry heat), it can be more effective to use a few verbs non-literally as well. "Combat" instead of "make one's way through" (to exaggeratedly describe the irritation of walking through airborne dust) and "cough up" instead of "due to the fact that" (to anthropomorphize the actions of the metaphorical dust devil, which adds to the humor). Of course, it's not bad to use "make one's way through" or "due to the fact that"; I suggest finding replacement words only because your sentence is already long, and the longer a sentence is, the more impact your humor loses.
Additionally, you choose odd places to suddenly describe at length your characters' appearances. Denise is about to combat three men who have broken into her home, and suddenly we take a moment to aquaint ourselves with her height and the color of her top? And Pebble is about to be run over, and what Dave commits to memory isn't the determined set of her face, the light in her eyes, or any meaningful details like that, but her faded jeans and motorcycle boots?
For Denise, you may find it sufficient to simply say something like this: (Denise took a moment to appreciate that she was engaged in battle with three grown men, all wielding knives, and she armed only with a baseball bat and a pair of worn—but snug—sweatpants.) Height and the color of her clothes are absolutely irrelevant here. But again, I want to emphasize that this is just an example of how you could rewrite the sentence if you chose to do so. :)
I like these characters though! Pebble is such a badass, although I wonder how Attea met her? Definitely keep writing! You have good ideas, you just need to work on Your execution of them. If you have questions about sentence structure, word choice, or anything else, do PM me!