Great start! I'd like to see how this is going to turn out. You know what, you can join NovelStar's writing competition.

Reading a good story like this one, I suggest you join NovelStar’s writing competition, you might be their next big star.

I was grossed out most of the time, but I thought it was well written and definitely an interesting read. Kafka probably would’ve loved this story ;-)

The wasp scares me quite a lot, now that I've read it a couple of times. She reminds me of those Lord Viren/Grimmel the Grizzly type villains... An unnerving cross between an emotionless, self-serving pragmatacist and the cat who takes far too much pleasure in toying with it's prey. The fact that people like that can and do exist only makes it scarier... The actual story is written with stark prose, which helps to reflect the stark terror of the second half but hinders the sublime haze of the first. Ironically, there's a front-row seat of the completely self-serving and emotionless wasp's head, but then the prose becomes omniscient and analytical in the sections with the cockroach, who is presumably the character readers are meant to empathize with. I left feeling like I had a good idea of who the wasp is (see above...), but aside from the slight shock factor, and the overall creepiness the wasp character invites, she was no different from all the other villains in their introductions (clearly evil/toeing the line, but haven't proved their evil-ness yet), especially when she showed a glint of remorse towards the end. For me, it reads best as a short story, but the ending seems to invite a sequel, or hints at a larger narrative, and the title 'Bug Wars' had me imagining a cross between Star Wars and A Bug's Life when it was really quite different. Still out on whether the first part was intentional or not. Others complained about how the insects were a little too anthromorphized; I found myself grossed out by the mention of insect parts, but I also don't care much for insects at all. Overall, I enjoyed it, however, even if it has its faults (but all stories have faults...). I'd like to see more of it someday, as the story was a little too short to properly invest me in it, and so I can only express a mild curiosity as to where it might be going. But otherwise, I found it fine

Here via the Writers Anonymous Long Review Game thread!

"Mainly I want to know what are your impressions of the wasp villain, and how do you think I could improve her introduction?"

Suggestions of how to improve her introduction would depend specifically on how you want her to come off, but I can give you my impressions: I dislike her. I found her repellent, assumed that was how you meant for her to come off, and thought you did so in an effective way. This is due to her manner of interacting with the cockroach: laughter, coldness, lazy touching, evil smiling, that one place where she grabs the cockroach as if to bite her head off and then shoves her away (comes off as an instance of torment/intimidation, though I'm not sure if it was an intended feint or if the wasp changed her mind mid-action), continues to talk to her victim instead of just killing her when the cockroach's feeler hits her in the face (prolonging the torment/intimidation.)

Now, assuming you mean for her to come of as cruel and repellent, her villainy is not absolute, nor does it have to be. She makes what I consider to be a reasonable and mostly truthful statement: "My dear girl, I'm simply doing what I need to do to survive. You would have killed your own kind to protect and feed your babies, why do you think I consider my survival any less important?" It's a reasonable assumption about the cockroach and a fair observation that they would both be equally invested in their own survival and that of their respective progeny.

At the same time, I don't consider it a *wholly* truthful statement in that the cockroach is not her "dear" anything and the wasp is not "simply" killing the cockroach and taking her eggs to feed her progeny. We can see the various ways, touched on in the first paragraph of my review, in which her behavior toward the cockroach goes beyond mere killing for survival into the territory of cruelty. Interestingly, she exhibits some self-reflection toward the end, wincing at the cockroach's words and thinking that her "way of life did seem cruel." She then feeds additional venomous saliva into the cockroach's system, but as the chapter ends, we don't really know if this is meant to be a mercy or not. She thinks that "perhaps her victim had earned it," but what is it the wasp thinks the cockroach has earned? Mercy or punishment? The venom causes the cockroach's body to relax (although, in somewhat contradictory fashion, two lines later the cockroach is writhing so much that she doesn't even notice what the wasp says to her), but does the wasp do this to ease/speed along the cockroach's passing or to immobilize/prolong her life because the wasp has some new torment in store for her? ("We're going to go on a little trip together, okay?")

"Are the events in the scene clear?"

See above for some mild points of confusion/uncertainty, some of which might benefit from clarification, some of which may lend interest to the story.

"Are you empathizing / sympathizing with any of the characters?"

I definitely sympathize more with the cockroach. I came into this story with her as the POV character, was invested in her objectives, and felt bad when I realized that something terrible was happening to her. Some people might be put off by the fact that she was a cockroach: that's not a problem for me, and especially not in the context of a story that directly posits her as a POV character. I'm *interested* in the wasp, but I don't really like her. I can see where it is possible that my feelings toward her might change depending on what happens next, but I don't especially trust her.

Additional comments:

This story is meant to be happening at the microcosmic level, right? These aren't actually giant alien insects, are they? The story summary suggests they are; the asbestos hairs and presence of pesticides suggest no. If no, the references to sighing, growling, batting eyelashes, eyes growing wide and suchlike don't really fit with the choice of subjects, ie. real bugs. One might argue that endowing insects with dialogue (exterior and also interior, in the case of the cockroach's thoughts) means the other stuff should be less surprising, but I don't think that's the case - inspects have other body language, body parts and, likely, other sounds that can be drawn on in an expressive way. However, this opinion is subjective and it's not dissimilar to the choices made in a movie like Antz or A Bug's Life.

Your story would benefit from paragraph consolidation (ie. packaging some of your very short paragraphs together to form larger paragraphs), and eliminating or replacing some instances of the word "suddenly" (much as this review would probably benefit from my eliminating or replacing some instances of the word "some.")

Here via the Writers Anonymous Long Review Game thread!

"Mainly I want to know what are your impressions of the wasp villain, and how do you think I could improve her introduction?"
Suggestions of how to improve her introduction would depend specifically on how you want her to come off, but I can give you my impressions: I dislike her. I found her repellent, assumed that was how you meant for her to come off, and thought you did so in an effective way. This is due to her manner of interacting with the cockroach: laughter, coldness, lazy touching, evil smiling, that one place where she grabs the cockroach as if to bite her head off and then shoves her away (comes off as an instance of torment/intimidation, though I'm not sure if it was an intended feint or if the wasp changed her mind mid-action), continues to talk to her victim instead of just killing her when the cockroach's feeler hits her in the face (prolonging the torment/intimidation.)

Now, assuming you mean for her to come of as cruel and repellent, her villainy is not absolute, nor does it have to be. She makes what I consider to be a reasonable and mostly truthful statement: "My dear girl, I'm simply doing what I need to do to survive. You would have killed your own kind to protect and feed your babies, why do you think I consider my survival any less important?" It's a reasonable assumption about the cockroach and a fair observation that they would both be equally invested in their own survival and that of their respective progeny.

At the same time, I don't consider it a *wholly* truthful statement in that the cockroach is not her "dear" anything and the wasp is not "simply" killing the cockroach and taking her eggs to feed her progeny. We can see the various ways, touched on in the first paragraph of my review, in which her behavior toward the cockroach goes beyond mere killing for survival into the territory of cruelty. Interestingly, she exhibits some self-reflection toward the end, wincing at the cockroach's words and thinking that her "way of life did seem cruel." She then feeds additional venomous saliva into the cockroach's system, but as the chapter ends, we don't really know if this is meant to be a mercy or not. She thinks that "perhaps her victim had earned it," but what is it the wasp thinks the cockroach has earned? Mercy or punishment? The venom causes the cockroach's body to relax (although, in somewhat contradictory fashion, two lines later the cockroach is writhing so much that she doesn't even notice what the wasp says to her), but does the wasp do this to ease/speed along the cockroach's passing or to immobilize/prolong her life because the wasp has some new torment in store for her? ("We're going to go on a little trip together, okay?")

"Are the events in the scene clear?"
See above for some mild points of confusion/uncertainty, some of which might benefit from clarification, some of which may lend interest to the story.

"Are you empathizing / sympathizing with any of the characters?"
I definitely sympathize more with the cockroach. I came into this story with her as the POV character, was invested in her objectives, and felt bad when I realized that something terrible was happening to her. Some people might be put off by the fact that she was a cockroach: that's not a problem for me, and especially not in the context of a story that directly posits her as a POV character. I'm *interested* in the wasp, but I don't really like her. I can see where it is possible that my feelings toward her might change depending on what happens next, but I don't especially trust her.

Additional comments:

This story is meant to be happening at the microcosmic level, right? These aren't actually giant alien insects, are they? The story summary suggests they are; the asbestos hairs and presence of pesticides suggest no. If no, the references to sighing, growling, batting eyelashes, eyes growing wide and suchlike don't really fit with the choice of subjects, ie. real bugs. One might argue that endowing insects with dialogue (exterior and also interior, in the case of the cockroach's thoughts) means the other stuff should be less surprising, but I don't think that's the case - inspects have other body language, body parts and, likely, other sounds that can be drawn on in an expressive way. However, this opinion is subjective and it's not dissimilar to the choices made in a movie like Antz or A Bug's Life.

Your story would benefit from paragraph consolidation (ie. packaging some of your very short paragraphs together to form larger paragraphs), and eliminating or replacing some instances of the word "suddenly" (much as this review would probably benefit from my eliminating or replacing some instances of the word "some.")

Here via the Writers Anonymous Long Review Game thread!

"Mainly I want to know what are your impressions of the wasp villain, and how do you think I could improve her introduction?"

Suggestions of how to improve her introduction would depend specifically on how you want her to come off, but I can give you my impressions: I dislike her. I found her repellent, assumed that was how you meant for her to come off, and thought you did so in an effective way. This is due to her manner of interacting with the cockroach: laughter, coldness, lazy touching, evil smiling, that one place where she grabs the cockroach as if to bite her head off and then shoves her away (comes off as an instance of torment/intimidation, though I'm not sure if it was an intended feint or if the wasp changed her mind mid-action), continues to talk to her victim instead of just killing her when the cockroach's feeler hits her in the face (prolonging the torment/intimidation.)

Now, assuming you mean for her to come of as cruel and repellent, her villainy is not absolute, nor does it have to be. She makes what I consider to be a reasonable and mostly truthful statement: "My dear girl, I'm simply doing what I need to do to survive. You would have killed your own kind to protect and feed your babies, why do you think I consider my survival any less important?" It's a reasonable assumption about the cockroach and a fair observation that they would both be equally invested in their own survival and that of their respective progeny.

At the same time, I don't consider it a *wholly* truthful statement in that the cockroach is not her "dear" anything and the wasp is not "simply" killing the cockroach and taking her eggs to feed her progeny. We can see the various ways, touched on in the first paragraph of my review, in which her behavior toward the cockroach goes beyond mere killing for survival into the territory of cruelty. Interestingly, she exhibits some self-reflection toward the end, wincing at the cockroach's words and thinking that her "way of life did seem cruel." She then feeds additional venomous saliva into the cockroach's system, but as the chapter ends, we don't really know if this is meant to be a mercy or not. She thinks that "perhaps her victim had earned it," but what is it the wasp thinks the cockroach has earned? Mercy or punishment? The venom causes the cockroach's body to relax (although, in somewhat contradictory fashion, two lines later the cockroach is writhing so much that she doesn't even notice what the wasp says to her), but does the wasp do this to ease/speed along the cockroach's passing or to immobilize/prolong her life because the wasp has some new torment in store for her? ("We're going to go on a little trip together, okay?")

"Are the events in the scene clear?"

See above for some mild points of confusion/uncertainty, some of which might benefit from clarification, some of which may lend interest to the story.

"Are you empathizing / sympathizing with any of the characters?"

I definitely sympathize more with the cockroach. I came into this story with her as the POV character, was invested in her objectives, and felt bad when I realized that something terrible was happening to her. Some people might be put off by the fact that she was a cockroach: that's not a problem for me, and especially not in the context of a story that directly posits her as a POV character. I'm *interested* in the wasp, but I don't really like her. I can see where it is possible that my feelings toward her might change depending on what happens next, but I don't especially trust her.

Additional comments:

This story is meant to be happening at the microcosmic level, right? These aren't actually giant alien insects, are they? The story summary suggests they are; the asbestos hairs and presence of pesticides suggest no. If no, the references to sighing, growling, batting eyelashes, eyes growing wide and suchlike don't really fit with the choice of subjects, ie. real bugs. One might argue that endowing insects with dialogue (exterior and also interior, in the case of the cockroach's thoughts) means the other stuff should be less surprising, but I don't think that's the case - inspects have other body language, body parts and, likely, other sounds that can be drawn on in an expressive way. However, this opinion is subjective and it's not dissimilar to the choices made in a movie like Antz or A Bug's Life.

Your story would benefit from paragraph consolidation (ie. packaging some of your very short paragraphs together to form larger paragraphs), and eliminating or replacing some instances of the word "suddenly" (much as this review would probably benefit from my eliminating or replacing some instances of the word "some.")

ETA:

I found a review function that lets me post using my ID from FFN, but it objected to the fact that I was submitting a review identical to one that had been submitted previously. Hopefully this little note at the end circumvents that, but sorry if you end up getting the same review multiple times.

Really good scene setting without it being an info dump. I never thought I could have empathy for a cockroach! But I did, so well done.

[...dangerous laughter is what she heard after that,] this part of the sentence doesn’t read with the same impact as she describes what’s going on. It felt a bit lumpy and out of place.

You have some text missing [In her fear she dr...]

The transition from rescuer to attacker was great, gave me an emotional reaction of foreboding. The graphic description of the cockroache’s reaction to the poison is good.

The repetitive use of [her victim] in close proximity could be changed so the scene keeps the flow.

You close the chapter with more foreboding- the cockroach is still alive, but it feels like death is certain and the egg sac being taken away.

The wasp came across as truly evil, a powerful villian for the story. The strange way the wasp develops some feelings for her victim is a good twist to make the wasp’s character more interesting than just pure evil, thou I don’t think I’d want the wasp’s sympathy.

An interesting, good start to the story.

Bella119 from ff.

Very sensuous story about a cockroach and wasp. The details included of the bug hazards like asbestos and pesticides was fascinating. And it was kind of adorable that she was caring for her egg sac. Loved she called her offspring mymphs. I was a little confused about the cockroach feeling her head was different and wondered if it was a reverse Metamorphosis.
With the wasp, I got the feeling of a pampered, bitch queen. The interaction between the two seemed to carry Sapphic undertones. Last line is curious and if there's more to follow, hope to read it.
An unusual story very well done.