|Reviews for Judgement|
| DemonsWithin chapter 1 . 3/24/2019
This is nicely written
| TheNotYetNerd chapter 1 . 3/22/2019
What I liked about your story best is how you designed the room, the Judge and God. I liked the idea of marble, pyramid patterns and stars. The fact that the protagonist survives came as a nice surprise as I was fully convinced he/she was going to die.
I also liked the sarcastic bit where the protagonist goes like "Let the choir sing!" and "Hey, where's Peter?"
Your most powerful scene is where the Judge points out the protagonists sins. This was where you got me most invested in what was happening.
The scene with the windows seemed a bit too intense to me. The emotions change so quickly that it is quite difficult to keep up, especially since the feelings are so extreme. My advice would be to draw out those scenes a bit, maybe with the Judge talking or explaining in between instead of after, so the readers have a chance to get invested before moving on to the second window.
Another tip would be to use more contractions. You write out "I am" throughout the story, while some of the protagonists thoughts are very quick. "I am" seems too formal for such a setting, so "I'm" might be better suited.
2nd paragraph: "The choir invisible..."
Change the word order: The invisible choir.
4th paragraph: "My reflection is so vivid within the cracks of the marble. It's like the steps...
Change the period into a comma, otherwise the halt pause between "so... it's..." is too strong. Maybe reword what comes after too since this will make the sentence very long.
Also, you use "it's (almost) like" twice in this paragraph, so maybe change that up a little.
5th paragraph: "Shadows that are not full there..."
Full should be fully
15th paragraph: "Just the invocation the name..."
Add 'of' between "invocation" and "the."
I liked that the protagonist gets a second chance but isn't sure yet what he/she is going to do with that. I'm curious as well.
All the best!