|Reviews for As a Reason|
| Ckh guest chapter 1 . 7/28/2019
As much as I like FP, I have to admit, its a primitive site - what kind of writing site doesn't allow you to edit your own reviews? I have to concede that FP's guest review system does offer a fair bit of anonymity that other sites lack, but FP regulars don't get much mileage from this function. Anyway, I digress.
Your poem is a cynical one, though not untrue. Why would aliens ever want to communicate with us, when we are so divided amongst ourselves? (Though, aliens, like all sentient life, probably have their own conflicts they have to deal with)
A good poem that could be improved on; I found the flow of the poem of the poem to be a little lacking, but some slight adjustments should fix it. I'm shooting off the cuff here, but here are some lines you can possibly change:
"somewhere in our infinite universe" - I'm not sure if you need 'infinite' as an adjective here. It doesn't feel out of place, but removing it does improve the pacing of the poem.
"...some humanoids with horns and a tail" - would work better if you change it to "horns and tails". 'a tail' feels a little jarring.
"...one says outer space alien" - outer space is unneeded. It just makes the line longer than it needs to be.
"...commutate with us" - misspelling of communicate?
"...as a reason..." - would simply 'as reason' flow better?
"And an X and Y chromosome as a reason to step over you." - 'And chromosome as reason' is sufficient to convey what you are trying to say. "...to oppress" could be a stronger phrase than 'step over you'. Keep in mind that I'm just giving my own take on your poem. Sometimes editing poetry is to know when cut the fat, but sometimes keeping the fat in is perfectly fine. I still like this line, it has to be my favourite line of this poem, but it can be improved.
"Who build castles...just not when it comes to that one." - This section reads a little chunky. Maybe putting the bottom portion in parenthesis might help the poem read better. Something like:
'who build castles for one while nine live in a hut
(Though that hut still manages to be a luxury for some
Just not when it comes to that one)'
might serve your purposes better.
Lastly, the last two lines can be switched.
"What kind of civilization would want to introduce themselves
With a species like that" just feels like a more final ending.
Despite the various improvements I offered for your poem, I have to say that your poem is a perfectly serviceable one. It gave me that wistful feeling of wanting to explore outer space, a feeling that will stay with me until NASA discovers extraterrestial life. I just hope I don't die before that.
| Elliptical Shapes chapter 1 . 7/29/2019
Is English a second language for you? I onky ask out of interest as it reads that way.
I agree with your analysis that any sufficiently enlightened civilisation would probably find us to be abhorrent. However, i do not think we have been discovered, the universe is unimaginably vast, and i think the number of level 2 and level 3 civilisations out there is terribly small.
| Ckh chapter 1 . 7/28/2019
FP sperged and screwed up your format. Do fix your formatting errors. I'll leave my thoughts on your poem after you do so.