Hey there!

Thank you for the iteration on this story :)

I've found myslef liking it very much!

Daniel is well more rounded and has depths that the other one was lacking.

Jayden is less of a bad boy than the other too ;)

So far, i'm liking it :)

Keep up the good work and see you on the next chapter.

Kyt

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Thanks for the story of Daniel's struggle with self-lothing and rejection of same. Does the story continue?

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The story is powerful, I like how it was presented. Good job writer! If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on NovelStar, just submit your story to or

Hello, I was reading your story and noticed some problems in your writing relating to your word choice.

In your first few lines you wrote, "Their questions hit my ears like bullets."

Honestly, this sounds boring and should be spiced up. Here are some examples:

'Everyone/their questions struck through me' (If you are being mysterious to as who "their" is then keep it, but if not change it to "everyone". Avoid using "like" if you are not comparing.) This example is better, but still ways off from being spiced.

'Their questions struck through me like bullets piercing through an enemies target leaving my ears ringing.' (In first person point of view "Leaving my ears ringing" hurts the story because it's too wordy. You might consider changing to third person and using first person in dialogue. Here is this same sentence in third person.)

His ears itched throbbing with twitches. Their questions struck through him as bullets piercing their target.

Anyway it's up to you. Hope this helps.

The story is compelling. Good job writer! If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on Novel Star, just submit your story to or

You write the affects of absent parents really well.

:O

Ah, poor Jayden. That's a really tough life story ;-;

That ending was really sweet ;-;

OoOOoOoh and the plot thickens~

I both like and dislike Mia's character, though she is very well written!

Ooh, this added layer of conflict is so interesting!

He's so much more rebellious in this version!