|Reviews for Cheerleader, Ogress and Demon|
| Bookwormgirl64 chapter 1 . 3/23
"Shrek" fan, much (because of the whole ogre thing)? ;)
| Gallifreyan98 chapter 1 . 1/25
Here from the review game:
The opening is pretty weak, in my opinion. It didn't quite hook me right away. Just a note, though, abbreviations for "doctor" have a period at the end like this. You also write "six foot" a lot when it should be "six-feet."
The plot was a little confusing. I only got the feeling of a generic high school plot towards the end, but other than that, I was a little confused throughout the whole thing. The pacing also seemed a bit fast and blocky to me.
Overall though, this seems like a story I could potentially enjoy reading more of. I think it definitely has great potential.
| BookDilo92 chapter 1 . 1/22
Hello! I'm from the Review Game, so let's get started.
Intro: I'm liking this opening line, particularly for the three little words at the end. I get the sense of a rather snarky sense of humor, which I can definitely appreciate in literature, and I hope that I'm right. **Several Lines Later** Yes! Anyway, you've got an interesting beginning overall, especially with the fact that this young girl is half-ogre (at least), well-loved by her parents (it seems), and being an outcast to society. However, she seems cheerful, at least for now, though I also get the sense that this is part of her character, which, again, I hope continues. Kudos to you for weaving that in so well, especially since the opening is not in our title character's POV. (Also, a few lines later, I'm now curious as to what "Tiggy" might be short for.)
SP&G: 1) Shouldn't all your abbreviations like "Dr" have periods at the end? Otherwise, they seem incorrect to me. 2) I think the parts that say "six foot" need to be "six feet" instead, since the number six denotes a plural form of noun. 3) Overall, your writing style is rather refined, but IMO, there's an issue with your sentences being too short and blocky in some places. Like the paragraph that begins with "Tiggy smiled," this and other paragraphs read like a traffic jam, where you move forward a little bit and then have to suddenly stop. For me, it's very awkward and breaks up the flow of your narrative, and I'd practice combining and extending some of your sentences with prepositions like "and" or using semicolons. (Also, you have a "...She asked..." that should be "...she asked..." instead.) 4) Shouldn't "horsy" be "horsey"? Otherwise, I think you've used an adjective in the place where a noun should be.
The MC and Her Relationships4: Okay, for starters, Tiggy - and Jax - is absolutely adorable. She's cheerful, nice, gentle, and even-tempered, and I love her for it; it also completely subverts what you'd expect someone of ogre descent to be like, so more kudos to you for breaking that mold so well! **Later** I honestly went, "Aww..." when Tiggy said she felt bad about not being Corey's biological daughter. It's so sad, but she's still so sweet and considerate about it, and I love that she doesn't want to upset her parents. Tiggy is remaining so endearing, and I'm seriously rooting for her now. **During the High School Scenes** Man, I just wanna hug this girl! You write the torments of high school (bullies, being different, not always having someone around to defend you) really, REALLY well. The actions and interactions of these kids are all very on-point for their age and the nature of high school, and I'm so glad Tiggy's remaining so nice and considerate throughout it all (and I love Verena, sticking up for her big sis, even if she isn't very nice about it.)
Plot & Pacing: Honestly, I didn't get much sense of a plot other than generic high school until I got to the last few paragraphs. While I don't necessarily mind that, especially since we were getting the set-up through snippets of Tiggy growing up, I'd go back and maybe add some more hints that better and more interestingly set up the ending just to help keep readers' interest beyond a kinda different take on a high school drama story. As for the pacing itself, that was totally fine. Things, while sometimes being read blockily, moved along just fast enough to keep me from getting tired of any one scene.
Ending: Wow, I was definitely not expecting what I think is a supernatural twist to this story. At first, I thought Tiggy was the demon, as, to me, the title seemed to indicate that being the case, but I'm guessing that's not true? Honestly, I'm totally open to that, and I'm looking forward to how Tiggy will handle the (possible) conflict of a demon tormenting her beloved little sister. Also, the way you wrote the scene with the Mirror Girl had a very nice creepiness to it, as I'd expect from a demonic entity. Very well done!
All in all, I'm really excited to potentially keep reading this story. Like I've said before, I love Tiggy and the world and characters around her, and I think you've got the intro to a great, status-quo-breaking story here. Great job!
| i'm sherlock chapter 1 . 10/18/2019
This story has a weak opening, in my opinion. Rarely is it necessary to begin a story at the protagonist's birth unless it's the only way to convey relevant information. The only information we glean from being present at Tiggy's birth is that her biological father is an ogre and she is a hybrid, which is information we receive again in other scenes.
There are some lines of dialogue that feel a bit forced, especially in the scene with Dr Seabrook. It's unrealistic for a doctor to ask a toddler if she wants to have kids, and then use her answer to determine whether it's worth looking into treatment at all. At that age, it would be up to the parents whether or not to agree to treatment, and they would have to choose what they would rather risk: Tiggy's fertility, or a life free of chronic pain or chronic medical issues. (If you are interested, I have a suggestion for what you could say instead to keep hybrid-related medical problems a plot device.)
I do like the characters and their interactions with each other, especially how kind Tiggy is to her family, and how kind they are to her in turn. The last scene when Corey was helping Tiggy with her homework was my favorite from this chapter, because the moment felt very warm and genuine. :)
I also like the ogre mythos you're building, and how you show it relating to Tiggy specifically (how she can only eat raw meat, how she may experience physical side effects from her hybridism later in life, how people react to her in fear or anger because of her appearance and the views surrounding ogres). I like how this also affects her internal vision of herself, and how she feels like an outsider, even within her own home, for not fitting in with the human societal standards of a perfect family member or a beautiful girl.
I will also say that the more I read, the more interested I became in the characters and what would happen next to them. There's a lot of potential here, and it's really good for what I imagine is a first draft. Definitely continue this! I hope you will take the critical parts of my review only as a note to consider for when you have a finished story and are looking to clean it up a bit. :)