|Reviews for Gundam Gemini|
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 3 . 3/15/2020
I’ll get this out of the way, but first of all, I disagree with classifying this as original fiction. I’m not very familiar with Gundam, but you say it has multiple storylines and universes that have the same basic concept in mind (mecha suits called Gundams)… which could also apply to one of my fandoms, Dungeons and Dragons. If someone wants to write a DnD fanfiction in an original universe with original characters, but still use DnD concepts and terminology, they still post it on Fanfiction dot net and not on here. IMO as long as you’re using copyrighted terminology from the franchise it shouldn’t be here. You could probably keep it here if you just changed the title and terminology though? But as it is you run the risk of this story getting reported and deleted from fictionpress.
Anyway, onto the actual writing. The beginning felt a bit drawn-out and it took me a long time to get interested. It was all lore, and fight scenes, and exposition. In a visual medium starting with a fight scene works, because people like to watch fight scenes and it shows the audience that there’s going to be cool robots smashing things or whatnot. In a novel the reader has to put in the effort of imagining the fight scene themselves, and they’re not invested in the characters yet so they don’t care about the outcome of the fight.
Then you switched to lore, which I appreciate that you kept it somewhat minimal and interspersed with character interaction, however, this scene was also very drawn out with nothing happening to advance the plot until the end. I think you just needed to introduce all 5 girls at once, to make it sadder when one of them died, but with all of them just talking and nothing really happening it didn’t really work. I think maybe it would have been better to start with them doing something. It doesn’t have to be a big action-y thing, but something like trying to enact revenge on the flyboys. Then, a much shorter scene with the tarot cards, where you should put the background info about Laura always having protected Tully. Then proceed as before with the alarm going off and the fight scene started.
I liked the fight scene where they fought Vega, how it showed Laura starting as being arrogant and wanting to be the one to fight her just for her own pride, to realizing how deeply in she was and yet not giving up, then, of course, the heartbreaking moment when Tully sacrifices herself. I really liked the part when she looked up and saw her friends and thought they looked like angels. I also enjoyed the input into Vega’s character, how we saw that bit of humanness to her – she didn’t want to kill Laura, her being dismayed to see Tully was a young girl, it was a good contrast to the previous scene when the girls were going on about the enemy Empire like they were the only bad guys. I get the feeling no one here is really the bad guy, both sides are just looking out for themselves. The part at the end where Laura finds the tarot card is great too.
In this chapter, I like the president and her sassy mouth right away. Hope we see more of her! She seems a bit self-absorbed and caring about her reputation more than her people but… that’s politicians for you. I’m intrigued by this Milos guy being Laura’s father, at first I thought maybe he was estranged because she was an orphan but apparently he knew her from the orphanage; maybe he was the orphanage leader? Did Laura only grow up at the orphanage because her father ran it? But if he was an orphanage manager how is he also a war hero? Does he consider all the girls his daughters? It’s kinda confusing.
The scene with all the girls feels a bit off, they are grieving their friend, they shouldn’t be in a lighthearted mood for a while. If they were experienced soldiers maybe but they were new to combat. I know some people can be funny even while sad but the entire mood felt way more funny than made sense.
I hope Vega isn’t actually dead at the end. She was building up to be a fascinating antagonist.
| CheddarBrat789 chapter 1 . 3/3/2020
So first things first, if this is supposed to be a fanfic, then this is the wrong website for it, as fanfics are not allowed here. is a more suitable place; in fact, it's FictionPress' sister site. It functions exactly the same way, except it doesn't allow original fiction. Heck, you don't even need to make a separate account there, as you can choose to use the one you made here (or even use any social media logins you might have).
But pushing all that aside, I do think the writing here was pretty solid. Every character is likable feels plenty distinct from the rest of the cast, and I like how you repeatedly mentioned certain characteristics just to help them stand out even more. As someone who's never even heard of Gundam, I'm not sure whether this story is faithful to the source material, nor which characters are original to this piece, if any. Even though I'm not the biggest sci-fi person, I was able to appreciate how well-done the action scenes were. Plus, a sci-fi story that involves mechs instead of battleships? Can't say I've ever heard of that concept before.
I guess if I had any gripes, it's that having a chapter over 13,000 words might be a little extreme. I didn't have much of a problem with it personally, as I was invested enough to keep reading, but I'm not sure how many people on the internet would be willing to read that much in one sitting.
But regardless, I enjoyed my time with this. You definitely have talent as a writer.