|Reviews for Let the Straight Take You|
| VERGILthefallen chapter 1 . 4/18
"Stroking then gently" supposed to be them gently?
"Jhen swallowed painfully before tell adding" Supposed to be then adding?
"those words the only words he could manage at that moment." Those were the only words? Or maybe add a comma after the first words. Or simply, they were the only words he could manage.
"People were gathering around him, wanting to ask her opinion on different manners." Her should be his, unless I'm wrong. I feel matters would work better than manners here as well.
I know you feel a lot for this story but you need to improve how you show that in some areas. Too often we are just told of how this emotion is but not a lot of depth in it. I understand this is a short story so you are limited in how much time you have but you can still expand.
When the daughters enter is a good example. Lexin upright and pale, gripping her sword in a white knuckled grip. It shows she is trying to be strong and fighting hard for it. You show that without having to tell us, but then you tell us that her eyes show nothing but love and acceptance. You don't need that. Show pain in her eyes, and strength in her body and you tell us that without using such bland words as acceptance. Nike is the rock and Arya is showing emotion. Try to add more body langue and descriptions of things beside emotion. Sensory details can bring a scene alive. Talk about the hot sensation in his throat as he tries to speak, the burning of his eyes and the way the smells of herbs and oils fill the tent. Describe smells, sights, sounds and sensations and you can inject a lot more emotion in a scene.
Also, small formatting suggestion. On the song lyrics, make all of them single spaced and grouped together so the actions in between the verses stand out more and it is easier to read them as song lyrics. Just something I've seen before that i think would help.
I like what you have but it can be better, then again it can always be better. There is no such thing as perfect.