Reviews for Shekka's girls
WhyMe13 chapter 1 . 10/13/2021
Hello there,

I decided to review chapter one of this story as part of the review game. Overall, I don't think it's my cup of tea, but I think that you aren't terrible at this whole writing thing and have some solid ideas. With a little bit of work this could go very far. The first thing I would like to bring up is how there are some errors in the first chapter. Most of this is just a few sentences that don't really make sense and maybe one or two grammatical errors. One example of this is the "At least you are a brick" line; don't know what you were going for there. Another area that suffers from this is the part where they talk about revenants. I think that entire section needs to be looked at in particular.

Another problem I had was the characterization. You introduced all of the girls really quickly and didn't describe how they looked all that much. You did give most of them some recognizable character trait, which is an excellent start, but you could do more. You got a lot of characters here and you're going to need to give the reader a little bit more to work with in order to get them to remember who everyone is. You did manage to get some basics down, but a little more would be nice. Maybe make the scene where they all meet each other longer so that the reader has more time to get to know the characters.

One thing I should commend you on is not butchering the beginning to your story. This is kind of tricky to do, but I think that, while your intro isn't perfect, you do manage to make everything interesting enough to keep the reader want to keep going. Good job.

Overall, I think that you have some good ideas, you just need to work on your execution. I recommend reading over what you wrote and maybe giving the reader a little more time with Sukie and her dormmates so that we can get a better picture of who they are. I hope that my words helped you; keep on writing.
She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 3 . 4/17/2021
Bruh, I just noticed my review of chapter 1 was plagiarized. lmao wtf.

So we get a bit of slice-of-life in the beginning, seeing what normal classes are like for these girls.

[Sukie's actual blood was green now, because of the magic in her.] Careful not to over-explain things, and cut out words you don't need. It's easy to infer that the reason her blood is now green is because of the magic, so you don't need the "because" clause.

...Gotta admit, I forgot from the previous chapter why they are going to a statesman's party. Anyway, I like Sukie's attitude to Maddie's rude words. Yes, I agree, being overly negative about people for no reason is pointless. And it shows Sukie's character, and her desire to help people.

I love how Sukie goes straight to the food. hey, at least they get to eat something besides worms here.

Oh, Maddie is so mean, even towards the other girls. What's wrong with her? It's just going to make everyone wonder what she says about them when they aren't around...

Lady Bellamond seems like a really nice person, yes, despite her prejudice. She was super patient to Maddie who was being rude. And yes, I kind of understand the prejudice - she seems angry that, from her point of view, Shekka exploited her daughter. I like that there's a bit more nuance to her character - she's not just a charicature of a hateful person the girls have to overcome; she's a realistic person.

The rest of the chapter was pretty funny. LOL. Nice cliffie at the end.
Blakinator2 chapter 1 . 2/5/2021
Hi, reviewing Shekka’s Girls for the Easy Fix review game.
Hi, reviewing Shekka’s Girls for the Easy Fix review game.
Hi, reviewing Shekka’s Girls for the Easy Fix review game.
Hi, reviewing Shekka’s Girls for the Easy Fix review game.

The dialogue in your opening sequence between Marilla and Sukie seems a little... awkward. But that’s kind of reasonable because Sukie is feeling awkward. She seems surprised that the witch has green skin. Is this something she wasn’t aware of, or did she know her skin would be green but hadn’t seen it before and was still shocked? Did you intentionally make the principal's name Regina or was it a coincidence?

I do like how your opening draws me into the story. This made me want to read further and leaving the chapter off on a "cliffhanger" makes me wonder what's next. Enjoyable read and marvelous grammar.

I’d like to learn more about Sukie: her past life up to this point, her future goals, what does she want and why does she want it? Why does she feel an affinity for the moon goddess?
She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 2 . 2/2/2021
I like how you show the variety in the girls' personalities by showing their diverse reactions to things like the green skin, the creepy decor, et cetera. One thing I would like to see more of, is some information on the world these girls grew up in. I get the feeling that the creepy stuff isn't common outside of this particular group of devotees, so I'm wondering, how were these things viewed in general society? How do most people feel about the witches - it's implied that people think the green skin is ugly, do the girls feel the green skin is something to be excited about, or something to endure in exchange for the powers they want; do they have any mixed feelings?

I like the way you portrayed the Weeper. I almost feel sorry for her, even though she's a creepy ghost-thing. and I like the bit of insight you provided into Sukie's reason for getting Shekka's power - she wished she could have saved the boy, and only divine intervention woulld have made it possible. I wonder if we'll hear more about this boy - was he good friends with Sukie? How did his death impact her? Or was he simply the first injustice she witnessed that made her want to seek power to help others?
She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 1 . 1/10/2021
Hi, reviewing Shekka’s Girls for the Easy Fix review game.

Ah, I got to admit I’m fond of the magic boarding school genre (mostly because of Harry Potter, but y’know.) And I like the idea of it being all-girls. After I finish the chapter and get a better idea of what the magic system is like, I’ll answer your question about what level of disfigurement I’d accept for it.

The dialogue in your opening scene between Marilla and Sukie seems a little awkward – but that’s somewhat justifiable because Sukie is feeling awkward. She seems surprised that the witch has green skin – is this something she wasn’t aware of, or did she know her skin would be green but hadn’t seen it before and was still surprised?

I’ve noticed the principal’s name, Regina, means queen. Intentional?

I like the name Sickle Moon and the imagery it invokes – much more evocative than crescent!

I think you left out quotation marks on Maddie’s first line.

[“You love ball games, just like a boy.”
“Thanks for the compliment.”]

I get that this is just the characters talking, but I hate lines like this. There’s nothing boyish about liking ball games, society just indoctrinates people into thinking there is, and it’s not a compliment to be “boyish” because boys aren’t superior. Was kinda hoping this would be a matriarchal society, or at least a matriarchal subculture, where such thinking was eradicated.

…there is definitely something wrong about Tia. I think there’s more to this than just her missing her mom. I think this is definitely gonna be plot-relevant somehow.

So, rookies wear blue and full witches wear black. Kinda curious about the need for color-coded clothing when they have color-coded skin! Lol. Also wondering if there are other levels/grades that wear different colors…

…They eat bugs? Okay, that is certainly different than Harry Potter. Porridge can be kinda good. Bugs… well, I’ve never tried it, I suppose. Since there were spiders in the hall I wonder if spiders and witches have an affinity or something?

The explanation for why the witches change skin color is interesting. The Weeper sounds like La Llorona; same thing? Wonder why Maddie thinks the idea of her is funny – is Maddie hiding something, perhaps?

So – witches can commune with the dead, create life, and fight ghosts. Have you seen the anime Madoka Magica? The concept is sort of similar; if you haven’t seen it, it seems like something you would like.

Oh, so she’s an official witch already. Cool.

I’d like to learn more about Sukie – her life up to this point, her goals, what does she want and why does she want it? Why does she feel an affinity for the moon goddess?

…As far as what level of disfigurement I would accept. Losing hair would be totally fine, maybe a warped face but it depends on how warped (like, crooked nose and pointed chin maybe, but if I was straight up looking like one of the victims from The Ring? Yikes), and body horror, no… I can’t even look at that stuff without getting queasy.
LittleAlchemist chapter 1 . 11/20/2020
Let's start with opening, when you mentioned Harry Potter in your Author's Note I imagined this would have a more magnanimous start. Like, I thought you would've had Sukie admiring the architecture of the school building and the campus, the grounds. Or something else to set-up the mood, instead this just jumped into it. It seems more rushed, but who knows how you're going to run with this. On dialogue, some of these characters are super chipper. Everything feels like it's just moving in a straight line without any bumps. I don't feel like Suki has an enemy, but I also don't feel like anyone in particular amongst this cast is mysterious enough right off the bat to draw in my curiosity. This leads me to the next point relationships, Suki is kind-hearted for wanting to care for Tia who has lost her mother. I get that this is new, but everything seems too peachy for me to feel like any significant relationship is growing between anyone. Meaningful friendship or otherwise. I'm sorry but what I'm getting at is the relationships and friendships feel superficial to me, like this is a cartoon for a younger audience. But I'm not a girl, so maybe this is how young girls act. Okay on enjoyment... I don't get this story. For example, they have their first magic class and we get the description of a fairly ordinary witch. We don't get a lot of details about the classroom, the subject, there's not a lot of wonder thrown into this. That's why it has me baffled. It almost feels like a little writing exercise. I've read your other stuff, I know you could plan out an amazing and detailed story that sparks fascination from the get-go. This first chapter has me confused and confused for what's next. Sorry this review couldn't be more positive. I'd like to nab that extra review you mentioned, but since I'm not a lady feel free to ignore my input. But just in case: I would say it has to do with how much power you would obtain by allowing the disfigurement, and whether that disfigurement would hinder any physical abilities and depends on the cultural ideals of beauty on Granat. If it was magic like on Harry Potter... hmm I'd accept being butt ugly with warts all over and all, cause I wouldn't have to work for money and could stay hidden somewhere my whole life (Imperious Curse to get people to give me money and let me leave in their house).
Story Blue chapter 1 . 10/2/2020
You may want to work on your pacing. Some of the story flowed well, like the part where you were describing the dorm rooms, but the dramatic parts, such as when the characters turned green after taking the oath, are kind of over too quickly. I like how you showed Sukie's transformation. Maybe you should have waited to introduce the transformation until it was Sukie's turn.

I'm not sure whose point of view you are writing from. if you are writing from multiple POVs, maybe stick with one point of view.

To answer your other question, I wouldn't allow any kind of disfigurement to possess the powers of a witch, but that's me. Getting back to your story, the green skin permanently marks them; shouldn't that be enough? If you want to play around with other handicaps, find out how those problems, like seizures and such, affect those affected by them and write about that as the cost.

You could also get creative and make their powers a curse, such as making them into zombies or vampires, or something like that when they take the oath.
MirrorOnes chapter 1 . 6/11/2020
I enjoyed this read. It really gave off a darker more mysterious vibe than other “magic boarding school” cliches (and I’m a sucker for a good magic boarding school). The dialogue really pulls the story and I think you wrote most of the in-character lines really well. I will comment on some of the lines seem to “push” details of the story really fast. For example; “You are a rookie witch. Comply and conform, and all will be well” is a great line, but it just stops there. Why does Suki need to “comply and conform”?, what is a “Rookie witch”?, doesn’t Sukie have these questions in her head? If you described some of those points more in depth in a separate paragraph so the reader can get a deeper sense of the world building at hand. I think you could really bump the story’s level with little additions like these.

Another comment, you use the dialogue word “said”adjective a lot (You use others, but "said" is really really prevalent). I would look into verbs that can be used as dialogue words to convey that specific feeling to break up the “said”s. (Though this is just a stylistic choice, and really has not effect on the overall comprehensibility of the story)

Overall, I liked the banter between the girls. Each point of dialogue allowed me to paint a better picture of each girl. (Sukie’s a bit more kindness/curiosity, Tia’s cautiousness and family history, etc).

I love the idea of “The Dark Goddess” and I and excited to see how this character plays a role in the future of the story! I also really liked the concept of give-and-take you implemented in this story. For the girls to get magic they needed to take away from their appearance, which could be used as a really good future device for any one of the characters. (Maddie or Tia maybe?) I know you were asking for what other attributes, other than the green skin, you could give/take from the girls to add, but I think the green skin, if played in the right direction that I’m thinking (using it as a way for the girls to never be able to return to a "normal" life, permanent choice kind of thing) is definitely enough of a "take" to move the story forward. (For me, if I had to have the green skin physical disfigurement to become a witch, I probably wouldn’t do it (vain, I know). Mental disfigurement, on the other than, I would totally give up my memory to become a witch (like early onset memory loss/etc).