|Reviews for Rematch! Trilogy|
| CMDutton chapter 4 . 7/30
Cute chapter. As for any criticisms, I think you had a bit more passive verbs in your chapter, but it's not really a complaint.
Mary would be funny if she wasn't so damn scary with her #MeToo paranoia. Girls like her would scare the hell out of me.
Of course, you could up the ante by Richochet **not** getting that kiss with Mary ruining it for Keisha and himself. Or end the chapter with a bit of a cliffhanger where they lean in for a kiss and then Nathan, Cammy, or someone a bit more dangerous shows up at the school dance.
Still for what it's worth, it's a nice coming-of-age chapter for Keisha and Richochet.
| CMDutton chapter 3 . 7/23
Long chapter and a lot here to digest.
Since this chapter really focused on Richochet and Keisha (who I really adore), I am thinking the beginning scene with Richochet and Nathan playing frisbee is kind of a filler scene. Something to tie it better to the rest of the chapter would be if Richochet really, really, really wants to tell Nathan he's seeing his sister, but as he wrestles with that decision. Then Nathan kind of beats him to the punch like, "Yeah, if I ever catch you with my kid sister, I'll pound you into next week," or something along like that so the scene ends with Richochet having that hanging over his head and giving up for now. That's my only criticism on this chapter.
Everything else flowed and developed the characters a bit more, and I enjoyed the cute twist of Nathan going off on Richochet and then Cammy appearing.
| CMDutton chapter 2 . 7/4
Cute story. I like the moral of the story about an arrogant kid who gets his comeuppance and then just realizes he needs to try harder to succeed in life. Especially, since life's lesson applies to writing. God knows how many pricks I have read who think they are the next Rowling, King, or Sanderson, and they can't write worth crap.
Things to tighten up: adverbs, passive language, and redundant words such as felt, seen, etc. Aside from that, nothing else to really critique.
I like Keisha and see her adding some depth to Richochet. I hope she has some serious flaws for her to overcome as well.
| CMDutton chapter 1 . 7/4
We Will Rock You should be in italics as it's a song title. This applies to book titles too such as The Grapes of Wrath.
"He knew he was ready; he could feel his spirit lifting in every fight." Sentences like these that have the words knew, feel, felt, noticed, etc. could be tightened up by cutting out the filler words.
"He was ready; his spirit lifted in every fight."
Thoughts are italics or not italics depending upon the editor, but they are not parenthesis.
A lot of the characters smiled, making the body language kind of redundant.
“Out of all the wannabe Kings, Rowlings, and Ludlums. Ricochet's writing spirit was the strongest.” Should be comma, not period.
Foreign words are typically italicized.
"And there ain't enough chicks in it, either!" a blond boy with hair over one eye complained, peering up from his own work, The Slick Limestone Nookie Necromicon. "You could've at least put in a totally hot magical girl with pink hair and glasses." I can totally relate.
"Sorry, bad timing, huh?" Camille frowned unhappily, peeking at him through her bangs. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
“The ring was currently occupied by two adult fighters, with the larger one clearly dominating in the match-up.” This is an example of a lot of passive language I’m reading in this story. The verb "was" makes the whole sentence passive. If you clean up every sentence that has “was”, you’ll rid yourself of about 50%. Here’s my ex: Two adult fighters, the larger one dominating in the match-up, currently occupied the ring.