|Reviews for Chronicles of the Seven - Illix|
| Darwin chapter 1 . 7/12
Hi there! Thanks for the follow. Your entry intrigued me so I thought I would give it a go.
So I see that you're looking for concrit. Cool...
Head's up, I've been a beta reader for decades, and I tend to be pretty in depth. Understand that these are suggestions ONLY, you can take them and leave them at will! You will not hurt my feelings if you leave out a change, or think your version is better. :) Away we go:
"pacing anxiety," would be better as "anxious pacing." "Golden adorned" might read better with "gold-adorned"
When I hear "wringing hands" I usually picture both hands in a washing motion. Perhaps "Clutching the hilt of his sword" or "twisting one hand on the hilt until the leather creaked and shifted," something along those lines.
In the second paragraph the first sentence is a little wordy (bordering on run-on), a bit of rewording might help: "The kings of the six Kingdoms had assembled from all corners of the world at the behest of Lord Aeries. A child had been born under a bad omen - one tatooed into the infant's flesh." I'm paraphrasing here (This was so much easier with copy/paste)
Phone? So much for my preconceived notion this was high fantasy! LOL! I should know better than that.
"Of course(,)" the elder replied...
Dialogue is a funny beast. Of course is a dependent clause and part of the full sentence up to replied. The t in the is also going to be lower case. Any attribution such as said, mumbled, uttered, etc would make the dialogue statement, which normally ends in a period turn into a comma.
If there is NO attribution such as: "Of Course." The elder blinked. it gets a period and the following sentence an upper case first letter.
If you have a question or an exclamation, that punctuation stay put, but the following would be lower case such as: "You WHAT?!" she shouted.
This set of rules took me FOREVER to get down and I STILL find myself messing them up!
I see towards the end that we see Aeries thoughts and then he states the same thing aloud, I would suggest pare the internal out and go with the dialogue. It doesn't really need to be repeated.
"Mostly directed at him." (himself would be he's talking aloud for his own benefit)
"Aries relinquished." Might be better as "relented" relinquished (released, turned over) usually is used when talking about objects.
"Watch him close(ly) as he grows."
I'm pretty intrigued by the mystery of what information Wrath and Aeries share.
At first I thought you were using Roman Gods for your lords and of course the seven sins for the hunters. But I see you're using the Zodiac instead. Any particular traits you're looking for when you assign them to different lords?
Overall it's an interesting beginning, I'm looking forward to seeing more!
| shannonq.19 chapter 1 . 7/9
I'm very fond of your story. I love the world you are beginning to create, and the character's history you have formed. There isn't much I would say to work on, but just ensure that you're not giving away too much at the start. Keep some information to give the reader in some of the later chapters.
Otherwise, excellent story!