|Reviews for Black Hollow: The Awakening|
| She Who Loves Pineapples II chapter 1 . 9/19
Hi! I’m not sure if you’ve managed to get anyone to look over this story yet, but I had some free time so I thought I could for the first chapter at least. I really appreciated your review of Aĉaĵego and so I thought the least I could do is help out.
And since I know this is a translation and you just wanted a little help with the English, I’m just going to be correcting the English/rewording a few things. Which is almost perfect, by the way, and I only found mistakes by reading it really closely. I’m seriously impressed by your ability to translate into your non-native language; that’s amazing!
Original text: [He therefore reasoned that for now he would just go with the flow, and if after the four years he finds himself still unable to decide what he is actually good at, he will just pick something at the intersection of safe and easy and try to make do with it.]
My edit: [He therefore reasoned that for now he would just go with the flow, and if after the four years he found himself still unable to figure out what he was actually good at, he would just pick something at the intersection of safe and easy and try to make do with it.]
Original text: [Danny has dived in it not long after, so he must have been facing a similar problem.]
My edit: [Danny dived into the hamper not long after, so he must have been facing a similar problem.]
Original text: [He hated his sickly pale skin, which had a tendency for spots.]
My edit: [He hated his sickly pale skin, which was prone to spots.]
Original text: [The last few days’ lack of sleep took a toll on him, the bags under his eyes so prominent he looked as if somebody punched him.]
My edit: [The last few days’ lack of sleep had taken a toll on him, and the bags under his eyes were so prominent, he looked as if he’d been punched.]
Original: [They had about ten minutes’ walk to get to school.]
Edit: [It would be about a ten-minute walk to school.]
Original: [His parents died when he was four years old.]
Edit: [His parents had died when he was four years old.] (Note: Because the story is written in past tense, and this happened before the story.)
Original: [He has been raised by the grandparents on his mothers’ side.]
Edit: [He had been raised by his grandparents on his mother’s side.]
Original: [After all, it has been his property.]
Edit: [After all, it was his property.]
Original: [Well… one of us may do.]
Edit: [Well… one of us might.]
Original: [And that was somewhere around… March?]
Edit: [And that had been somewhere around… March?]
Original: [the surprise became even lesser]
Edit: [it was even less surprising.]
Original: [Will leaned over and grabbed the find.]
Edit: [Will leaned over and grabbed his find.]
Original: [“Are you serious,” Danny stared at him wide-eyed.]
Edit: [“Are you serious?” Danny stared at him, wide-eyed.]
Original [he already appeared in one movie]
Edit: [he had already appeared in one movie]
Original: [Maybe he just had a bad mood.]
Edit: [Maybe he was just in a bad mood.]
Original: [Blake has always been a jerk,]
Edit: [Blake had always been a jerk.]
Original: [you’re in the mood today.]
Edit: [you’re in a mood today.]
Hope this helps! I’m still wowed by the quality of the translation
| casmonido chapter 7 . 8/18
In reply to tr:
It probably should have been 15 min (from Blake picking up the call to his arrival at Will's, that includes him looking up where Will lives in whatever private database the Aldens have, also him deciding whether to actually go there because the call didn't sound as if it was coming from the house. Which is going to be mentioned later) instead od 30, that's a good point. I'll ask the author about that.
| tr chapter 7 . 8/18
Wait a minute, it took Blake thirty minutes to come and help? I do not think that Black Hallow is that big of a town that it takes that long to get there. Especially since he has that nice car of his and at that time of night he should have gotten there in less than ten minutes tops if he was really worried. (I have been the emergency go to person for my friends so I have an idea of how long it can take) Blake does have a point though, Will should have been nicer, there is a big chance that Will will be in actual danger one day and Blake is the one who will be expected to come and rescue him. Now when a real rescue is needed there will be an even bigger delay and more people will die.
Yet perhaps it was Will, but a future Will calling back from the future? Perhaps I was right about Oscar and Future Will was blocking himself? Or it could be someone else with powers that no one knows about is in town and is trying out their magic? It could either be a time traveler or a mind controller.
If I were Will I would not get comfortable with Oscar that night again, I would be expecting the others to show up soon too. That oil and vinegar relationship between Blake and Will is starting to get old. Weird things are happening and people are dying, this is not the time to hold grudges. (Why are there no adults looking into the deaths? Why is it only the kids?) They need to learn to whip themselves together and turn into a nice vinaigrette so they can save the day. I also can not help but suspect some of the other supernaturals to be working with the enemy. I will go into that more if I get more evidence against those suspects.
tr is my initials of my online name. I forgot to add my name the first time I reviewed. I still stand by my belief that Danny needed to move out. Danny needs someone to be a parent, Will just wanted a friend. If they are not living together they can one day be friends again. They can not have a healthy relationship if they are living together. A lot of best friends think that it would be great to live together, but in reality they end up hating each other. I have seen it happen way too often.
| casmonido chapter 6 . 8/16
(reply to tr Guest, what does tr stand for?)
I guess you've become good at living your life then :)
But please don't hold grudges people with high neuroticism, it's not our fault we were born this way (although I guess you can blame us for the way we're acting). Also, in case of both Will and Dan their needy/clingy behavior may have been exacerbated by their difficult family situation. I dare say Will has it easier because at least he has his grandparents to fall back on.
| tr Guest chapter 6 . 8/13
I guess I have been looking at this as an adult not as a teenager. Looking back, experiencing having my friends make other friends and go to parties without telling me was very hurtful. Still this is something that I had to get over quickly (like within five minutes) or else I would have looked like a fool. Now as an adult it is something I have to expect to happen. I am not the center of anyone's world and I should not expect anyone to try and rotate only around me.
I think kicking Dan out was the best idea. Personally I would have started broaching the idea after the first few times he would have hissed mean things at me. Or Will should have addressed the attitude better when it started. Not calling Danny out for his mistakes actually made Dan resent Will instead of endear. It seems like that is what Danny wanted/needed Will to do. Living with that kind of toxicity is not right. Danny has issues that need working on and it is not fair to expect Will to fix it especially when Dan does not want to fix them. They are supposed to be friends not parent and child. It also feels like Will was dragging around a dead tree limb that was tripping him as he walked. I do not feel sorry for Dan. I hate Danny even more after this and was chanting "kick him out" while reading this chapter. As Will often mentions, when Dan actually tries to do something he can move mountains, but he does not really try and when things go wrong he likes to blame others instead of fighting for what he wants.
It is sad that no one cares for Will. I am hoping that I was wrong about Oscar and he is going to be a great boyfriend and someone that will finally care about Will. I also hope that Will can find even more friends. There are tones of other people that are safe to befriend and hopefully he can take the plunge. Perhaps Dan can use this as a way to review his actions, yet I am not going to hold my breath. Danny likes to hold grudges and until Will is dragged through the mud and is hanging off a cliff will Dan wake up and change.
| casmonido chapter 5 . 8/11
The Author's & Translator's reply to Guest
The author: Thank you so much for the review! Also, the statement below has been run by me and I decided I agree with them for the most part.
The translator: (Silencio is Death of the Author kind of girl and usually lets the readers make of her stories what they will, but she is sooo graceful & kind)
The translator: I'm so happy somebody thought about this text enough to create their own theory! I didn't, the first time I was reading it. As for the other points made, in random order:
I guess since the relationship between Will and Dan is not a perfect one, people will take sides (depending on who they identify with more and such). I actually identified more with Danny and was feeling kind of hurt by Will's abandonment xD
I found Dan so relatable because I believe he is under a lot of stress struggling with feelings of inadequacy and the fear of being disposable (both at work & in private life), and that's also why he's so sour
I think nobody asked Will about his date because at this point, nobody cares about him enough to be truly interested (like, enough to go out of their way to talk to him). Usually, the one to ask would be Danny, but they're basically not friends anymore. And the rest is still at the 'casual friend' level.
That thing about the band... it's gonna be addressed later in the story :)
| Guest chapter 5 . 8/9
Will you be passing on what we say to the author? It is kind of hard to leave a review if you do not know if it is going to reach the original author.
Danny is getting irritating. I understand that he is jealous, realizes that he is being lied to, and he is afraid that he is going to get kicked out. Yet you would think that would make him be more clingy than he has been. Also in the summery you say Will is there to make friends and he is now doing that, so shouldn't Danny be happy for him and expect stuff like that to happen?
Why hasn't anyone asked him about his date yet? You would think that is the first thing everyone would ask about. Why hasn't he talked to anyone about his sudden dislike of his favorite band. I get the feeling that if he just asked about or mentioned the right things, especially about the things he as been noticing, he would understand a lot more about what is going on and he would not be so lost.
I have to wonder if Oscar knows about the mystical side of the town and is actually a hunter. I seriously think that Will is already in an experiment and the fact that he was warned not to take the internship was a sign he is being allowed into the fold. That was why Kubrick was so cool. Everything is going as planned. I have to wonder what the endgame is though. Is the corporation a branch of the hunters or are they doing this for their own greed?