|Reviews for The Mirror of Truth|
| J.Kuzzey chapter 1 . 9/19
Okay, the not-fun, nitpicking part of the review first:
["I'm going to miss you, Myra." Dad says, "Starting tomorrow, I'll be the only one home. It'll be so lonely..."
"Make sure to keep in touch. Call every night, FaceTime once a week, okay?"]
It looks like this is all the dad talking, so it should be one paragraph. I could be wrong, but the context clues led me to believe that because Myra talks in the next paragraph, responding to the "...okay?"
A couple of times, you had a capitalized word in a dialogue tag. For example ["I missed you guys so much!" She exclaims, setting her chin on top of my head.]
The "she" should be lowercase. I don't think this is you problem; it's probably your device auto-correcting it because of the previous punctuation. A quick skim and you can catch these and do an edit.
[...I'm making dinner tonight, by the way." She says.]
You almost had a score of 100% for accurate use of dialogue tags. Don't worry, you are far better at this than SO MANY people on this site, but it should be a comma, not a period. [...by the way," she says.]
ASIDE from those nitpicking things:
This is really good. I try to review several things a week on this website. I clicked this one just by chance and I'm glad I did.
First of all, love your use of first person narration. A lot of people on this site use first person POV (is this a trend in fiction right now or something...?) and they do it in such a BORING way. It just drones on, and on, and on; I want to shake them and tell them if they're going to be bland, just use third person!
But you have such great voice in your narration. I actually laughed a few times. Everything about it feels natural, authentic - exactly what I want from a first person POV. It flows great. The tempo is spot on.
For example, in your first part there, that inner-distress of this new part of her life - so well done! I really understood her emotional and mental state in that moment. The entire interaction between her and Genji? Top notch, very real, very authentic. You didn't resort to droning on and on; you didn't force flowery language in a voice that doesn't need it. Your character has a voice and she uses it. Love it!
I can tell there is a lot to explore in this story. You've set us up in an interesting world. You're giving us characters that already feel very real. Sure, some people might want MORE description in the narration, more meat so to speak, but I really don't think that's necessary in this case. I think it's exactly as it should be, and forcing more might ruin the balance you've created.
I hope you keep up the great work! I'll try to be back to review future chapters. Fav'd and follow'd.