|Reviews for flicker|
| a.reading.whore chapter 1 . 10/16/2003
I thought I'd leave a big long review, because this is one of the many worthy stories obscured by time, unfortunate enough to never be reviewed.
okay, first for the suggestions, "constructive critisism," if you will-
You might want to put quotations in the beginning dream and in William's vision when she says, "remember," be cause she is actually saying it. Right?
In the third paragraph, you use say first that "the night was creeping up fast", and then in the next sentence "the breeze was getting colder by the minute", and in the sentence immediatly after you use "the night was creeping up fast and cold." A little repetitive, perhaps? All of them are very good, but together...you might want to get rid of the last "problem" sentence, or find synonyms for "cold" and "fast".
During the dialogue between Scott and Elijah, there's one akward sencence..."Heather was no ordinary human being, and so are your children." The tences are technically correct, but it's odd for the reader. I really don't know how you can fix this off the top of my head, but I'll just let you know.
When Raissa is thinking "William, help me," that might be put into italics for effect.
Now, the good points, saved for last-
Wonderful description in the dream, I could feel her pain. Great.
Good job of breaking up the dialogue with actions- some either lose the flow with too much, or never have any at all. You are one of the few who suceed.
In the fourth paragraph, you introduce some wonderful characters, and I love that last part..."Mortals are such fools. How could I ever stand them?" It gives you this realization, a great "oh..." feeling.
The transitions between characters are very smooth, leaving you with just a bit of new information before switching.
Good suspense in Raissa's apartment, very good imagry. I was there with her!
Hadriel's song is very beautiful- I can imagine a haunting melody put to that.
Wow. Great ending. The pieces join to form a whole, and it all makes sense. I love it, thanks for the good read!