Reviews for Forbidden Pairing
lianoid chapter 1 . 9/19/2010
S&G

One does not think in terms of days or weeks, or even months when one has eternity in front of them.

-Edit: Comma after “even months” I believe.

...there is however one exception to this, no matter how long one walks the face of the earth.

-Edit: Commas around “however” I think.

As silently as possible Trinity moved forward, her slippered feet not making any sound in the soft grass that ran alongside the walkway.

-Edit: I would toss a comma after “possible”.

...but until they tried to interfere it wasn't worth concerning himself over.

-Edit: Comma after “interfere” I think.

"You can't go in there!" She called out...

-Edit: Change “She” to “she” since dialogue tags always begin with a lowercase letter (even when the dialogue ends in exclamation marks, question marks or ellipses) unless the first word of the dialogue tag is a proper noun. There are numerous mistakes of this kind, but I won’t point them all out.

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave." She managed to force out, surprised at how dry her throat suddenly was.

-Edit: Change “She” to “she” and the period within the dialogue to a comma. Dialogue always ends in a comma when a dialogue tag follows, unless an exclamation mark, question mark or ellipses are warranted.

"Who you are doesn't matter -"

-Edit: When someone is being cut off, an em dash (the longer one) is needed. Also, you don’t put a space between the dash and the word.

"Trinity ..."

-Edit: Remove the space from between the ellipses and “Trinity”.

"does a Shrine Maiden know of Shadow Walkers, my dear?"

-Edit: In the previous paragraph, “Shadow Walkers” isn’t capitalized. Decide if it needs to be and remain consistent with it.

“But I never said that's what I was."

-Personal: This reads a tad laboriously, in my opinion.

"Wha-!"

-Edit: Please, only use one form of punctuation. Decide which one you want and show the other, if necessary. It’s unprofessional and unsightly.

Description

Though your descriptions and word choice manage to paint vivid pictures in my mind, I think some of them are a tad gratuitous. You focus a great deal on them—which is fine—but some of them were a tad... er... can’t think of the word, unfortunately; it’s not purple, it’s just that a description like “midnight black” (which you use twice in the same paragraph) is a redundant description and a tad silly, in my opinion.

Writing

You switch up the POVs numerous times in this first chapter. Some parts are from Trinity’s perspective, while others are from Dameon’s. I’m not sure if this is intention (it seems as such), but I’ve been taught that it’s best to write from only one character’s POV in situations such as these. If you want to write from his POV and separate it with a page break or perhaps within a new chapter, that’s fine, but how you’re doing it now seems somewhat messy. Not only that, but you toss in third person omniscient lines such as, “but when one is in love, one doesn't think clearly” which makes me wonder which form of narrative you want. I highly suggest tidying this up.

Other

I suggest breaking these up into actual chapters, though. Perhaps the reason you don’t have a lot of readers is due to the fact you’ve squished four chapters into one upload. Honestly, when I opened this piece, I was worried this was all one chapter. I highly, highly recommend changing this, my dear. Really, I think more people would be keen to read if they knew the first chapter wasn’t as epic as it first appears.
xglittergurlx1 chapter 1 . 10/30/2005
hey! wheres the rest! this is an awesome story your deffinitely being added to my favorite authors list. please continue
Soul's writings chapter 1 . 4/23/2004
Wow, that was truly amazing. Please continue it, I am very curious to know what happens next! I really like the concept of good moving towards evil, although Dameon and Trinity seem to be standing in somewhat of a greyness at the moment, which intrigues me. Keep up the good work, and please, please, PLEASE continue this story!
not active chapter 1 . 8/30/2003
awesome story!

I'm looking forward to reading the following chatpers!
theblacksheep chapter 1 . 7/8/2003
You are such an amazing writer! The story is awesome and you are able to explain and describe the events and actions perfectly! I eagerly await the next chapter.
Blab chapter 1 . 4/28/2002
OMG! That was soo good! I'm not lying, I love how you decribe everything with so many details! Woa! OMG! Is Trinity going to die? Please update I need to know what happens!
Me chapter 1 . 4/16/2002
OMG! Please please please finish soon! I can't wait to see what happens! Hurry hurry hurry!