|Reviews for Shorty
| Folger's chapter 1 . 9/3/2006
No dude. This counts as 's not even artistic liscence. There's nothing sexy about broken english.
| TheAngelofhope chapter 1 . 3/31/2005
This was really good. Great work on it. :)
| god's handmaiden chapter 1 . 7/21/2004
yeh...good try...i agree with micha...im SO sorry if i'm out of line saying so, but is english your 1st language?...if so, then i can't offer any more suggestions than micha...if it ISN'T, then it's a really good attempt. i got the jist of it, but it took a while longer to get my head around...perhaps you could get someone who speaks english fluently to help you out & check it...it's just a suggestion1...anyway, god luck...you have huge potential, i can see itin your work. It's actually better than lots of others i've read...well done again. I really liked the way you used correct terminology (like breasts instead of tits...& vagina instead of pussy)...i think that language is foul!...so good on ya!...
| Micha chapter 1 . 4/19/2003
hey, i like what you're trying to do but...you need some help with it. I love that you're obviously trying to write something different but it needs some work. If this was a one-time thing than this doesn't matter but if you are going to do this more (and good luck to you) i suggest:
1) clean up the spelling, it's confusing and annoying. A few spelling mistakes aren't horrible, but when you have that many people get confused and they lose the moment in trying to understand what's going on.
2) unless you want a surprise ending, saying who's a woman or a man in the very beginning REALLY helps.
3) draw it out, i know you're trying to paint a picture but sweety, it's almost there but not quite. Don't use too many big words, because people will have to think and that takes away from what's going on and they lose "the moment" but draw it out a little. What did he smell? What did she taste? What was going on around them in that room? Explain their eyes more...whatever you want.
I'm not trying to discourage you, but with a little work you could do a lot better: you show potential.