i love this. i love it, i love it, i love it! write more prose- this is absolutely beautiful. have you ever read "hills like white elephants" ?

marlena, you are awesome

someone should write you a song

i thoroughly enjoyed this story, smiled a laughed with delight many times and it was just so pleasant and i wish it would happen for reals you know? heh yeah

(this one's right up there with the violinist)

hemingway. Ah i like your characterization, heh, i slightly disagree, but its very well written and its very good. atleechna!

kai

This is an fascinating subject, and is certainly a very good attempt. However, I will say that it is a bit too filled with dialogue, with a lacking description of certain key points. Now when I say this, I don't mean a whole lot of extraneous descriptions - this is not a fantasy story - but I do mean breaking up the descriptions you do have and perhaps expounding on each point for clarity to the reader. Always subtle, always subtle.

The other point: because of the stress of the ice cream throughout this story, I am led to consider it as a recurring symbol. If such is the case, then your comparison is a bit too weak for the reader to catch on easily - if such is not, you might consider using the ice cream as a method of symbolism. Symbolism makes the world go 'round! :) And aside from characters with French-sound names, I would say an ample and skillful use of symbolism ranks highest for any quality story.

And lastly, the stress on the mother is a bit awkward. My suggestion there is the first - a bit more description. The story is going rather fast (due to the continuous dialogue, which is a GOOD thing!), but when the mother comes in, it might serve the story to slow down a bit. When she exits, the speed of the story can return to normal. You see, I view the mother as a sudden distraction that blocks the flow of the story - hence when that blockage leaves, the flow should continue. Ebbs and flows.

There are too many excellent points about this story to really point fingers at. Now it's just a matter of smoothing out the connections between them. For my favorite line:

"Well you’re a poet. You’ll either die a consumptive alcoholic or you’ll get hit by some sort of automobile or something."

Not only is it perfectly true, it's exactly what Hemingway would say. Well done!

-Masahartha Shayma