Good chapter, but is it Sci-Fi? Shouldn't this be horror?Good job, though!

whoa! see, now this chapter worked so much better coz you described things more graphically. as you mentioned in the beiginning, the scene was a little intense but i think it fit with the story. i'm gonna say what i keep saying though and that is that it could have used more description, particularly this time of erin's and splinner's feelings, thoughts and reactions to what was going on. but its definitely a better attempt :D i can't wait to read the next chapter.

i hate to say this wolfychann but the lack of description is killing me here... this story has so much potential but you're hardly tapping into it. i can't feel any emotion from your characters, and their dialogue is let down by the lack of supporting narration. i'm still gonna read to end though, only coz i really do think this story has the potential to hit a best-sellers list somewhere out there if only you spent more words on description :)

heya, me again. just wanted to say that this is compelling stuff and i can't pull myself away! the only thing is that i think your story could do with more details and descriptions. you scenes seem a bit rushed and things are happening very quickly. i dunno, maybe this was done on purpose but it seemed like zipe agreed to take down the wall too easily and no explanation was offered as to why it was up in the first place or why he was agreeing so quickly. who knows, you may explain that in the next chapter but for now, it goes leave some holes in an otherwise amazing story idea. but i'm gonna read on for now and review again later :)

hey there, i was bored and trawling through looking for something to read when i came upon your story. i can't wait to read the rest of it but for now i just wanted to say that this was a powerful first chapter! excellent characterisation, just the right amount of description so as to set the scene, a nice touch of realism with the dialogue and the details and ends with a brilliant cliffhanger! on to chapter 2 :D

how do u just close a wound?

wow, this was amazing. the only time it ever grossed me out a little was in the first chapter actually. oh, and splinner's real name...Campbell. heh heh.
but seriously, this is a great story, and if you published it, i'd sure as hell buy it.

:cuddles Splinner and glares: Y'made him cry. Fix it!
:goes on to the next chapter to see if anything gets better:

Favorite bit of the chapter:
“I’m a politician, what do you expect?”
“That you will nobly sacrifice your personal interests in order to ensure security and prosperity for the public you serve.”
“Don’t make me laugh when I’m eating, I hate getting food up my nose.”

:shivers:
These reviews should really be better than they are, but I can't make myself stop long enough to write anything coherent or meaningful. I just wanna keep reading...

:growls: Ya've gotta stop it with the great last lines. Still... That last para altogether was hilarious.

"She went to the police and told them that all her money was inside the Club, she had no bank account, and she was starving. They gave her a donut." :snickers: No backhanded cop jokes to be found in this story, oh no, of course not...

"One night, Erin could take no more. She healed her wounds, jerked herself away from Splinner, and started to sob. Splinner hugged her and let her cry on his shoulder, and with his free hand he slowly cut her back open."
:melts: Yes, I'm a freak, but... That was strangely gorgeous. ::hides::
Y'know, I adore Splinner.

"Everything about Zypathon was just slightly wrong. To begin with, he was named “Zypathon.” And he was Canadian."
:dies laughing: Oh... That's beyond hilarious... Ack, stomach cramp, stomach cramp...
This chapter had me giggling almost non-stop, truth be told. I adored it.

I hate leaving corrections via review, but I'm too lazy to sign onto AOL and mail ya, so I'll do it anyway. You may have already been told about these, but I'm not taking any chances. It can't delay the editing process any, at least... :shuts up and continues:
"That she if she has the brains to do it..." There's an extra "she" at the beginning.
"If she keeps it in your body and all of a sudden thinks of what she wants to be..." Should that be "your body" or "her body"? The 'your' doesn't fit.
Yeah, that's all for corrections.
Now for the good bit... I really like the last line.
Gotta keep reading...