While you sleep

Party of a lifetime. That's truly what this was. And it isn't saying too much, considering I'm 15 and my idea of a party is anywhere with music and a crowd over 6 people. But this, this was good. 20 people I've known since forever, getting drunk and doing stupid things together. The hickey on my throat is proof of the latter. Given to me in a game of truth and dare, by a boy I don't care about. The fact that I let you kiss me is proof of the first. I'd never call anything we did together stupid. But you know that, don't you? I on the other hand am very stupid, when I'm on my own.

Like now. Sitting here on the floor next to your bed, where anyone can see me, and listening to the drunks singing in the next room. I hope their throats hurt badly tomorrow. Or rather today. The sunlight's creeping in the window, and onto your face. You look so peaceful when you sleep. A far too rare look on you, always stressing to make enough time. Here, while you sleep, there's time.

The bed is technically not yours. We're in a cabin, far away in the woods, all 20 of us. It's 6 in the morning so most people sleep. I'm praying no one's awake to see me watch over you like this. Because it's special, like this, seeing you asleep. At your most vulnerable and innocent. I wonder what it would be like to wake up next to you. I wish I could find out, but for now I'm content with watching you like this.

The cabin makes it seem like we're in a different world. In a world where I don't have to go to Bali tomorrow and be without you for 3 weeks. In a world where our kiss meant something to you. I can still taste you. You tasted like coconut, lipgloss, soda and alcohol. Yet that could have been all me and still I can taste you. You taste sweet. Innocent. With Christy, she always tasted like salt. But you're nothing like Christy, you know that, don't you? Christy was just experimenting.

People always ask if I've ever been in love, and when I say yes, they automatically think it's Helsted. But it's not, it's you. Helsted was…is a flirt, a fun time, my best friends friend. You. You, on the other hand, you're my safety. My turning point. Bet you didn't know that? Maybe you did. You're so smart. I always wondered why you never figured my sexuality out. You're the reason I walked to school every day, even the days when I felt sick and had French first hour. It was your smile that made me tingle.

You look so quiet now, I can almost believe that I kissed you. That I kissed you again. I feel bad about kissing you while you sleep, but you look so innocent. And you kissed me first.

Your eyelids. I've commented on them so many times, I know, but they are perfect. Small, fragile, purple tinged. Usually they are crinkled together, making your eyes look wider than they are. Now they're just resting, though I can still see small lines on them. I reach out a finger and touch one. Good thing my nails are this short.

You're not beautiful. A lot of people would say you're pretty but gawky. You look awkward, but you are magical. Pale skin, almost only marred by freckles. Soft, soft lips, pink and thin, and sweet. Very sweet. Your hair is soft. It smells of smoke, and sunshine and clouds.

Earlier this morning, we were out walking. 16 of us. And you, Helsted and I walked together. You still think I want him, don't you? I could see it in you eyes, every time I turned to talk to you instead of him. The walk was fun. Katherine pushed you into the ditch. I think that's were the cloud smell comes from.

I still can't believe you kissed me earlier. I'm still kicking myself for not asking for tongues. Just to see, I could have said. You wouldn't have bought it.

"he won't even touch me. That hurts so bad."

"That's not why you're crying"

"My mother… the hickey….I slept with a girl…"

"Really?" Thoughtful look. "If I kiss you will you ask him to dance?"

"Y-yes"

"Tongues or no?"

You're always so confident. Even when you kissed me, you were so confident, so sure. So close. I wonder, if Jacob and Anne hadn't walked in, would you have let me go further? Let me pry your mouth open, and let me go further? I want to think that you would have. But maybe it's for the best. My plane leaves in 7 hours and you won't see me in 3 weeks. Perhaps by that time you won't remember. I will.

I feel like a cliché. All the slash fics, all the stupid romances, and suddenly I'm stuck in my own. I can't decide if it's angst. I think it is. Unrequited angst. It would make a great story, if only it didn't hurt so much. Not right now, though. Now all I can feel is peace. Sitting here watching you inhale and exhale, deep in Morpheus' arms.

Oops. Anne and Jacob just left the room. I lied and said I was going to the toilet and had walked the wrong way. Alcohol I said. It's marvelous how many things you can blame on one Pina Colada too many. I don't think they're coming back soon, judging by Jacobs hard-on. If I were a true friend I'd be up and worrying about Anne, but I think she wants this as much as him. And I don't want to leave you.

I'm so tired now, but I'll never have a chance like this again. September will come and you'll get into whatever highschool you requested, because you're amazing. They'd be damn fools to deny you. I'll leave the country, travel to the States. And we won't see each other for a year. And when I come back, you'll have found the boy that makes you light up, make you hurry to school each morning.

I'm upsetting myself. I won't think about when the others wake up, or when I leave , or when you fall in love. For now, it's enough to sit and watch while you sleep.