Authors Note: - Ok this is weird, I wrote this a while back and it did pretty well on Elfwood (Fook you guy's!). So I thought I might as well post it here and see what you think. I edited it a little and didn't really change much (just corrected spelling errors.). So I hope you like, please leave a review!

A Letter From John

Hello, my name is John and I'm a vampire. I know what you're thinking and... Well quite frankly most of it is wrong. I'm here to tell you the truth about vampires. There are two groups of myths about my kind. One is all the ancient myths and superstitions; the other is all the modern bull shit. I could fill many books with the history and truths about us but I neither have the patients nor the guts to do so. So I'll stick to the basics, other wise I might get in trouble.
To start with, when you become a vampire it's not a packaged deal. You don't wake up and suddenly you have a killer fashion sense (I in fact still can't dress my self to save my life, pardon the pun), neither do we spontaneously become damned sexy. I my self am thoroughly average and can blend into a crowd of three. Something else that's popped up these days is that vampires are all horny. Well, I do admit to having my desires, but I'm hardly sex crazed. I can tell you honestly that in that area most of us are no different than you humans. Some of us can get it easier than other and some of us should just give up and take a vow of celibacy.
Now to the raw basics of being a vampire, I'm no expert of being ageless and wise. In fact I've only been a vampire for twenty years. So that means I've been around for a lot of the crap as it's made. Here I'll start with some of the things that really burn me (I have such a terrible sense of humor too!). Like the whole idea that we neatly turn to dust when staked. It's hardly neat, or pretty. In fact we don't suddenly keel over either. I've seen it happen several times (but luckily managed not to be on the receiving end); it's very unpleasant to see since they make all sorts or racket and struggle a lot. I do admit it messes us up badly, but hardly incapacitates us. Especially for the old ones! Stake a really old vamp and you have one pissed off bloodsucker on your hands!
I almost forgot to mention the whole fang part. Yes, we do have fangs, and no we don't run around hissing and barring them at people. They are neatly retractable, though you do have to learn how at first. I'll tell you; those were some odd days for me! Anyway… Some of us argue about the uses of our fangs. They are very sharp and at first it's very common for a young vampire to cut them selves with their own fangs (Needless to say we don't get let out of the house much when were young! We make such a silly site trying to get a handle of this whole, undead thing). It takes us a while to learn just how to bite someone with out doing a lot of damage. I was trained on a were-rat my self. I still occasionally apologize to her for the time I ripped her throat out. I got a little too excited and kinda was too ruff. Its best to start out biting area's such as the wrist, the bend of the arm and if your lucky the inner thigh.
Ok, time to move on. I don't know how many times people have held up a cross to me expecting me to cower and hiss. Well, I hate to break this to you people but it don't work that way. Unless you honestly believe we are truly evil and happen to have the faith of a saint we won't even bat an eye at your cross. In fact I think most religious symbols don't work at all when it comes to us. Were not demons people! Some of us just happen to act like it… Oh and garlic. The only problem I can say we have with it is this: Dear God that stuff smells! Our senses our heightened when we become vampires. I my self never liked garlic so now that I have this great sniffer I hate the smell of garlic. I have seen vampires that really enjoy it though.
I'll only say a small side note on our... Reproductive capabilities. Female vampires can't have children with out the help of a very powerful mage or a fae. We males on the other hand have to be careful! We are... Uh... Fully equipped to breed with humans. I'll just leave it at that. Just because we are no longer 100% alive don't mean we suddenly uuhh... stop functioning.
Time to breeze through a few quick myths. Water doesn't hurt us a bit. We can cross it just fine. And to holy water? Hell, we can bath in the stuff. No prob. Well, actually some vampires can't. It's an odd thing. Belief making reality. Some vamps so believe them selves to be evil that holy water and crosses bother them. They are the one's who probably perpetuated these myths.
One more thing, vampires don't exist with out laws. We aren't just made and left to our own devises. In fact that rarely happens at all. Since it's against the "rules". I personally don't know who made many of the laws that vampires as a whole follow. I personally ignore many of them. The only rules I follow are the one's my master has laid out for me. At least he's around to enforce them. One of the big rules among vampires is that we aren't aloud to knock up humans. The result is a vampil, and vampil's have a history of becoming hunters. I don't mean the nice normal human type hunters who go after helpless deer. I mean the scary hate all supernatural types. Man are they scary. I've only met two in my unlife and hope to keep it at that number.
I guess that's all for now. If you really want to know more, just give me a holler. I'll try to answer your questions as best as possible. And don't worry. My master shouldn't get mad at me for telling you all this. At least… I hope he won't……