"What bizarre thoughts may come when we have shuffled off this Red Bull/Expresso high must give us pause."
[Camera swoops down from rafters and zooms in on news desk. Incredibly cheesy Yanni-esque music crescendos and fades]
Anchor #1: No seriously, give me my pants back. (Looks up, surprised) Oh, uh, welcome to the seven o'clock news.
Anchor #2: I'm Ralph Donner
Anchor #1: And I'm missing my pants.
[Canned laughter a la lousy sitcoms. Anchor #2 giggles]
Anchor #1: It's not funny. Give me my pants back. (To camera) Oh yeah, I'm Danny Blitzen, and I guess I'll just deliver the news in my boxers. (Anchor #2 giggles again) Stop that. You sound like a little girl.
[Both sober instantly]
Both(to self, contemplatively): Prozac.
Anchor #2: Our top story: the ongoing gnomish threat. The wee little men about yea high have caused many a mild act of mayhem as of late.
Anchor #1(sarcastic): Hey, look at me! I'm Anchor #2. I have a Masters degree in English Lit! See me talk all fancy and say things like "as of late". I'm so special, just because I played Hamlet in college!
Anchor #2: If you ever want to see your Dockers again, you'd better shut up.
Both(to self, contemplatively): Prozac.
Anchor #2: To continue, the small-statured dwarf-like creatures have recently taken to attacking late-night joggers and other people traveling by foot at night. We now go live to Al Roker, who is in Central Park.
[Cut to: Al Roker, sitting in coffee shop, cramming donuts into his gaping pie-hole.]
Roker: Central Park? Aww man, I thought you said 'Central Perk.'
[Ross walks by, glances at Roker, and does double take]
Ross: Al Roker?
Roker: Waitress! Another bear claw over here! (To Ross) Yeah, that's me.
Ross: Dude, Get outta here! Get your own show!
Roker: But we're network buddies!
Ross: I don't care. Get out! (Shoves Roker out door)
Roker(off screen): What about my bear claw?
[Cut to Studio]
Anchor #2: This is quite embarrassing.
Anchor #1(looks down): Tell me about it.
Anchor #2: Alright, we've reestablished contact with Al Roker, who is finally in Central Park.
[Cut to Roker in Park. Sunset visible in background.]
Roker(mutters): ...just 'cause I get paid a million dollars per episode, I think I can push people around....want my bear claw...(Looks up. To camera) I'm live here in Central Park, where a number of gnomish attacks have occurred recently. Several joggers were drug into -
[Cut to PIP screen]
Anchor #2(in studio): Dragged.
Anchor #1: Will you leave the poor man alone? He's obviously suffering from the loss of his dessert pastry! Have you no sympathy. It'll be all right, Al. I'm here for you, man.
Roker: Thank you, Danny. As I was saying, the gnomes dra-...took...several joggers into the bushes during the past two nights and robbed them of their walkmans and -
Anchor #2: Walkmen™.
Roker: They were robbed of their musical devices and watches. It appears that gnomes are attracted to anything shiny, which explains why a pizza-delivery man was robbed of his spare change and nifty sequined hat, while left with nearly $200 in cash.
Anchor #1: I thought pizza men carried less than twenty bucks on them.
Anchor #2: That's a good point. (To self, softly) I'll have to ask my shrink about that.
Roker: Anyway, so here I am, hungry and cold, standing near the scene of the crimes.
Anchor #2: Al, aren't you scare to be out after dark, or are you just too stupid to care?
Roker: Got it under control, Ralph. The National Weather Board said that sunset would be at 7:16, and it's only (checks watch) 6:15 now.
[Sun disappears. Patter of light footsteps is audible.]
Anchor #1: Umm, Al, is it possible that you never adjusted your watch for daylight savings time?
[Roker is picked up from below by an unseen force and is slowly carried offscreen]
Roker: That is a very real possibility, Danny.
[Roker disappears offscreen]
Roker(offscreen): What do you want? You want money? I've got money! See, I got some bright shiny dimes and some nickels and here's my Rolex and - AHHHHHHH!!!!
[Anchor #2 giggles]
Anchor #2: We go now to our gnomish expert and weather-woman, Dr. Sarah Bellum, renowned...gnomish expert...and weather-woman.
Anchor #1(snorts): Good job, Shakespeare.
Sarah Bellum: Well, it's quite obvious that what we have here is a race of nocturnal miscreants bent on claiming Central Park as part of their (clears throat) "hood", so to speak.
Anchor #1: What?
Sarah Bellum: And now turning to weather, there's a twelve percent chance that...(straightens up suddenly and stares directly ahead) Greetings earthlings, I have come to deliver a message to your leaders, and have taken the shape your influential males find most appealing, that of a hot chick.
Anchor #2: Umm, Sarah, what are you talking about?
Anchor #1:(giggles) Mr. Alien thinks she's hot!
Sarah Bellum: It is time for your race to cast off its ignorance, and join us in worshipping The Almighty Pi! All hail 3.141592653589-
[Man rushes on stage]
Man(interrupts): Stop her! She's giving secret equations to the Russians! They're waiting off the coast in their submarines, watching this broadcast! Stop the communists!
Anchor #2: All right, who let Joseph McCarthy in here?
[Ross runs in]
Ross: Hey, Joseph, calm down. Let's just go back to Central Perk, okay?
McCarthy: But she's a...
Ross: Come on, let's just go back and watch Joey act like an idiot.
McCarthy(brightens up): Yeah, that sounds good.
Ross: Yeah, a nice cup of coffee will help you out.
McCarthy: Coffee?! Communist beverage! Spies, you're all spies. I'll have you all blacklisted!
[Enter Jim Carrey]
Jim: Hey, buddy, there will be no blacklisting. My new movie is about that and, man, blacklisting is no fun.
Anchor #1: Dude, your movie sucked!
Jim: Oh, is that how it's gonna be? Alrighty then! (Goes into exaggerated fighting stance)
Anchor #2: That's the seven o'clock news. Join us again at ten, but now stay tuned for "Bill Mahr Apologizes, Part 4: NAACP - Protestants". Good night everyone.
[Cheese music begins again. Camera begins to zoom out.]
Jim: (as Ace Ventura) I am a...black belt kirate expert. I...don't think you...want to mess with me.
McCarthy: Black belt? You're a Red if I've ever seen one!
Sarah Bellum: Join me as I sing the Unending Anthem to our Glorious Non-repeating Decimal!
Ross: Joey, Chandler...Monica, get in here. Oh, it's on now!
Sarah Bellum(singing): All hail the mighty Pi-thing...
[Sound of toilet flushing]
Voice(offscreen): Hey, whose pants are these?