By Chelsea a.k.a. Wishkres
Angels of hope,
A rainbow in the sky
And a herald bringing joy through the darkness.
Help me find my way...?
Rated: PG-13
Author's Notes: A few of you may have read my poem "He's Gone" in the Original > Poetry section. It was about my two month old kitten, Lilbud, who died suddenly after being hit by a car. Unfortunately, that was only part of the possibly the worst few weeks in my life, and although this happened at least two months ago, I still can't get over it. This little writing, essay, whatever you want to call it is a tribute to pets everywhere, especially my little angels, Lexi, Rusty, Lilbud, Creampuff, Shadni, and of course, Buddy. I never was much of a poetry person, so I'm combining a few poems I did write with a few random quotes and my thoughts and memories of these special felines. I hope this serves as a message of hope and a reminder to pet lovers everywhere the love pets possess. I also hope this will put my heart to rest about them once and for all.
Part V
I remember she was crying,
Staring with her green-gold eyes.
I remember she was pleading,
I could hear her silent cries.
She never passed a judgement,
She was the last one on my side.
I wasn't there when she needed me --
I deserted her as she died.
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"When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness;
instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven
for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal." -- Unknown
I always felt guilty that I wasn't there when Oliver died, that I couldn't comfort him in his pain. Now I know, and now I'm glad I wasn't there. It's too hard.
A week after Lilbud died, Rusty started acting strange. He'd meow in a different tone, and he'd lie around a lot. He wouldn't eat. He seemed weak. My entire family passed it off as something he ate or one of those things.
The next day, he was almost gone.
I wasn't there at the time, but my mom and my sister were desperate. They took him to the vet, but he was comatose by the time they got there. He was put to sleep. He was dead, just like Lilbud.
Lexi got it next, and it was awful for her. You could easily tell that she was suffering. She was so weak, she could barely walk. Her gorgeous fur that I admired her so much for turned into mats, and the already tiny cat turned into skin and bones. Then came Creampuff, sweet innocent Creampuff. He didn't look sick, but he was in pain... He howled and meowed as I held him, both of us crying. And Shadni, special Shadni -- it was hard to tell with her, but we soon figured out she was sick. Everything happened so quickly...
I couldn't take it. They were like my children, and they were suffering right before my eyes. I thought there was nothing for me to do, so I stopped praying that they'd live. I prayed that they'd die, that they'd end their and my suffering and just get it over with. I stayed inside all day, and let my parents check on them. I wasn't there to comfort them like I wanted to do with Oliver, but I didn't know what else to do. Creampuff was first to go, then Shadni. Lexi fought it, but the next morning, she was found dead.
I wasn't relieved. Their suffering was over, yes, but mine wasn't. I wanted to know what happened, so I got online and found information. They had Feline Panleukopenia, a horrible disease that could have been prevented if I was smart enough to look into vaccines. After finding more information, it made me feel worse than better -- even if I couldn't get them to the vet, there still may have been something I could have done to save them. Instead, I gave up on them right away, lost hope before I had a reason to. I lost hope with Lexi's first three kittens too, but at least I tried. Why didn't I try?
I lost Lexi and the remaining three kittens in less than two days. I still don't understand what happened. Buddy didn't get it, and if he did, he didn't develop any symptoms. He lived; he survived.
Why wasn't that enough?
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"You see, in life, lots of people know what to do,
but few people actually do what they know. Knowing is not enough! You must take action." -- Anthony Robbins
I read somewhere that first step in the grieving process was denial, but I couldn't deny what happened to Lexi and kittens. The next step is fear, which I most definitely felt for Buddy. I loved Buddy, and I couldn't lose him. I considered finding him a new home, anything to save him, but I needed that cat. He was the last one, the only one left.
I needed to find blame, but it hurt too much to place it on myself this time. I blamed my parents, and I asked my mom why she never took them to the vet after Rusty, why she never tried. She kept saying it was about money and kept telling me all those other worthless excuses, but it wasn't like I was listening. I didn't want to listen to anybody.
The only thing I wanted was for it to never happen again.
I decided to shut everybody out. I stopped caring. I stopped trying. When school started up again, I was tired all the time and wouldn't get anything done. It was the last straw. I tried getting help with my emotions before, but it didn't go anywhere. This time I was finally forced into medicine and all those lovely things. Maybe it's a good thing. I don't know. I don't care. I don't want to.
I did finally listen to my mom. She told me that she didn't take the other cats because it was too hard for her, just like it was too hard for me to look at them while they were sick. It wasn't her fault, it's just the way things are around here, things to accept. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't my fault.
At the beginning of this writing, I said that all my life I was living a lie. Is it possible that after I discovered that, I'm still lying to myself all the time?
It's frightening. Nerve-racking, really.
I suppose you are looking for a happy ending, and honestly, so am I. I might be getting better, but the truth is, I can't feel it. Buddy's still my angel, the one there to remind me things will be okay again. It's funny that we depend so much on things that can be so easily taken away. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going, but God bless Buddy, the last one here who still listens.
"He makes himself the companion of your hours of solitude, melancholy and toil. He remains for whole evenings on your knee, uttering his contented purr, happy to be with you, and forsaking the company of animals of his own species." - Theophile Gautier
This is for you, Buddy. Thank you for being there, you little cat, and thank the others too, my other angels that were here but had to go. I love you, Lexi and the kittens. I miss you...
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"sdhgaajslkjfsljkweqwdqqqqqqqwq" -- Buddy
"Loss and possession, death and life are one,
There falls no shadow where there shines no sun." -- Hilaire Belloc
All comments, reviews, et cetera are welcome since this is still a writing that can be improved. If it's cat bashing you want, go away. Buddy will frighten you away if necessary, and I'm warning you, he's a scary cat indeed...