"Where are YOU going?" I demanded sleepily as I crawled out of bed.
"Ummm...No where. Go back to bed. Don't little kids need a lot of sleep or something so that they can be bratty pests at 5 AM while everyone else tries to sleep? Go back to your happy little dreamland."
I snapped back, "For YOUR information, little kids are made of sugar, so that's why we are so awake; Mommy told me so. Or MAYBE we just know some secrets you mean ol' big kids don't 'cause we don't chug down that blucky brown stuff in the morning that keeps you guys wired..." I trailed off. Then I realized she'd insulted me, and, offended, I shouted, "And I am NOT a pest!"
"Yes you are, and you're not too bright if it took you that long to figure out I insulted you," she sighed as she started to shuffle towards the window. "Just go back to bed."
"But I wanna come!" I whined. "Are you goin' out the window? You could die! And Mommy's rose bushes could be in very real danger!" I gasped. My mood suddenly changed; that happens a lot with Cordy. Mommy says its a "teenager phase." "So, where are we going?" I inquired, hoping to confuse her.
"WE aren't going anywhere. And I TOLD you! I'm not going anywhere! What are you, deaf or something? Did you hit your head when you were little? You are really stupid!"
"Daddy dropped me by accident; he said I was a real heavy kid," I retorted. "Wait a minute... I mean, what are you tryin' to say?"
"Never mind, you're just too young to understand, which is why you can't come to where I'm not going," she sneered. "Go back to sleep before I kill you or something." She mumbled supposedly under her breath, "Dad probably dropped you because he knew what a terrible kid you were going to be and he wanted to get rid of you."
I shrieked, "Mom said you're not supposed to threaten me and-and, furthermore... I heard that remark, young lady!"
"I said it audibly enough!"
"You were supposed to hear me!" She spat in my face, making me crinkle my nose. "Do you even know what furthermore means? Now shut up before you wake up Mom!"
I put my hands on my hips prissily and whispered to satisfy my sister, "I sorta know... but I'll only be quiet if I can come with you, and I know you're goin' somewhere 'cause you're all dressed up... and you won't tell me 'cause you're afraid I'll get you in trouble 'cause you're not supposed to be doin' it..." I searched my widespread thought archives. "Ha! I know! I know!" I yelped, hopping up and down. "You're gonna go see that kid named Bob or something that Mom said was a bad influence or something and-"
"Actually, his name is-hey! Wait a second! Stop trying to get me to confess to something I never said I was going to do!"
"Are you gonna KISS him? You are, aren't ya? Yup, you definitely are! I can just see it in your s'pression and-"
"SHHHHH! If you wake up Mom..."
I gleefully sang the well-known rhyme, "Cordy and...What's-his-name sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-"
"I swear, if you don't stop, I'll-"
"Daddy always says that you're some "crazy teenager" always getting' herself into trouble," I giggled malevolently. "Wait 'til they hear about this one! They're gonna-"
"If you know what's good for your little preschool hide, They'll find out nothing from you. You get my drift?" She hissed. "Or are you too thickheaded to understand me? Should I put it into smaller words for you?" She said mockingly.
I stifled back a sniffle. My chin wiggling, I stammered, "M-mommy and M-m-mrs. Teacher s-say that I-I'm a very b-bright student and th-that I am a-a-head of the c-c-class and that-" I regained my composure. "I'm not STUPID!" I began weeping uncontrollably. I thought to myself, "This is SO gonna work!"
"SHHHHH! You'll wake up-"
"WWWAAAAHHHHHHHH!" I burst into the first stage of operation temper-tantrum: baby-cry mode.
"Shut up, you dumb kid!"
I half hiccuped, half-sobbed, "I'm not dumb!" I was ready to skip the other stages and go into Full-Fledged Temper Tantrum Mode, a field I had expertise in.
Cordy, realizing that being evil to me wouldn't work, and being very well aquatinted with my dead-awaking tantrums, moaned, "Oh, please, please, Kaleigh, be quiet. I beg of you!"
"I will accept bribes of decent price accumulations," I managed to tell her, my eyes still brimming with fake infant tears.
"Well, what do you want to keep quiet, ummmm..." She thought for a moment, giving her miniscule brain a real workout. "How about chocolate?"
"No way. I got more than you and you know it. I don't need your money, Cordy."
"Room cleaning for a week?"
"Nope, my side is SO much cleaner that yours, I get paid for being re...re-spon-si-ble," I said, carefully sounding out the difficult word I'd learned on Tuesday.
Resenting the fact that this was true, Cordy suggested, "I'll buy you a new toy! I KNOW you love dolls."
Standing up straight, I replied, "I am too mature for dolls. By the way, have you seen my Malibu Barbie? I need it for...ummm...biology class. And don't roll your eyes at me; you think you're so great and-"
Preventing another tantrum, she listed more bribes, "A dog? A cat?" Desperately, she attempted, "An elephant?"
"Oh, please. You can't afford a pet," I said. "And everyone of any remote intelligence KNOWS that only Africa and Asia are populated with elephants, with two different kinds, the African and Asian. There are actually many differences, one of them being, the um, ear size, the African having a ear diameter of-" I was cut off while showing off my obviously superior knowledge.
Gritting her teeth, Cordy groaned, "If it will make you stop reciting useless crap, then you can-"
My mouth flew open and I breathed, "Mommy said not to say that!" I gaped at her.
"Stop looking at me like that with your bug-eyes!" she demanded. "I was going to say you could come to the movies with me, but, if you feel that way, well-" she smiled sweetly.
"The movies!" I squealed with delight. "Oh, wowieee! I-"
"Don't say that, it makes you seem like an innocent kid, when you're not. Now help me open the window," she requested.
"But the roses..."
"Screw the roses." She said exasperatedly, "Help me or don't come."
Regretfully, I gripped the chilly white window and pulled it upwards. "Good thing we don't have any screens on our windows 'cause at my friend Lilia's house, if she tried to make a big escape like us, the screens'd get in the way and-"
"No one cares about your dumb little friends but you, Kaleigh."
I whimpered, "My friends ain't dumb...," tears started to well up in my big, storm-cloud gray eyes.
"Don't start that again..."
"Then apologize, you poopy head."
"Like you mean it!"
"Fine, I'm sorry," she groaned, containing her fiery rage. "Now hop down over to the water drain pipe and slide down to the ground."
"Like a firefighter?" I chimed in. "Wow, I always wanted to save people an' be a firefighter. Is it like a firefighter? Is it? Huh? Huh? PLEASE say it is, Cordy!"
She paused, as if considering whether there was something bad in verifying my guess, but finally said, "Sure, whatever, like a firefighter. Just don't-"
"Too late," I thought. I leapt onto the pole and screamed at the top of my lungs, most likely waking the entire formerly peaceful neighborhood. "YAHOO! WEE-WOO! WEE-WOOO! I'm a fire alarm! I'm goin' out for duty!" I hit the ground. "Hey, well whaddaya know! My body wasn't totally maimed by the thorny bushes! Hey Cordy- how come your eyes are so bloodshot an' how come you look like that crazy killer dude on that movie we saw last night who-" It dawned on me. Cordy was madder than when my cat Eleni first met my big puffball dog that we brought home a while ago and he chased her around the yard for two days nonstop, or so I thought. Mommy and Daddy said I had a really imaginative mind. Now Chester and Eleni are great friends, but that never happened with Cordy and I. She's got defective genes; that's my theory. Either that, or she's an alien from Pluto.
"Good God, Kaleigh, can't you ever be quiet? I'm going to come down there and seriously injure you if you don't shut your mouth that's got to be three times the size of Texas. If you woke up Mom, you're going to know what true agony feels like."
Biting my lip until I tasted blood, I quietly replied, "Okay, sorry." Then realizing her horrible language, I corrected her, "Don't say the Lord's name in vain. It's sacrilegious. And yeah, I do know what that means."
Half grinning at me for a moment, she replied with the lamest phrase in the world, "Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah," I confidently said. "It means you're sacking the religion, which for your information means that you're putting it out of a job." I stuck my nose in the air, like a certain snooty person I know.
She looked at me like I was a really funny clown, which sort of scared me because clowns are always scared me right out my mind.
"Am I funny? I think not. Why are you finding me humorous?"
Her shoulders started to shake and she burst in a huge laughing fit. "HA HA HA HA! Oh, my, God...he hee hee..." it died out after a few minutes. "You are really a lot dumber than you look, which is sort of hard, considering how stupid looking you are."
I bit my fingernail and considered that while Cordy hopped into Mommy's favorite Lady in Black flower bush. I put my hand to my mouth to stop the scream and opened my mouth in shock. "Mommy's gonna be SO MAD! Grandma gave that to her and YOU just destroyed its poor plantish life! You plant killer! You really are a murderer! I knew it! Cordy, wait 'til the 'thorities hear about this! You'll burn in jail and-"
Chuckling, apparently, at her own horrid fate and for reasons still unknown to me, "Kaleigh, you can't go to jail for killing a plant."
"Why are you laughing? Do you wanna go to jail? You belong with your friends anyway. And you can so go to jail for planticide, I read it in a book. So there," I readily informed her.
"You were reading Veggie Trials. That was a fake story about a Vegetable courtroom and-"
I answered, "There was a tomato who said that cucumber stole his car, which is a car jacker for YOUR information, and a tomato is NOT a vegetable. So there. You obviously don't know your nu-nu- how da ya say this? Nutrition groups." I stuck my tongue out. "You're rolling your eyes again! Mommy says that's a sure sign of your teenagerism...It'd better not be contagious, or you're living in the garage! I refuse to share a room with a diseased individual! Humph!"
Cordy, breathing heavily, said, "C'mon. We're going to be late if we don't leave for the movie...just don't be your normal annoying self."
"I promise not to be annoying. If I'm annoying, tell me if I'm being annoying and I'll stop being annoying 'cause I don't want to be annoying 'cause-"
"You're being annoying NOW!"
"Oh. Well, now that I know that I'm being annoying, I'll stop being annoying and-" I cocked my head curiously to one side. "Why did you just hit your fist into your hand? Are you trying to do sign language? Ooh! Ooh! I can't do that, but I can do shadow puppets! See, here's a doggy! See? See? And this is a...well it's s'posed to be a duck, but it looks kinda like a lizard with a back problem..."
"Will you PLEASE stop?!" She implored me.
"Okay, but look at the duck-lizard first."
"All I can say is you better be quiet at the movies," Cordy whispered with a hint of anger as we walked over to the car. Cordy was 17, so she could drive pretty good with only a couple crashes every few days. I thought this was a really good crash record.
"Ummm...Maybe I should just get this over with and clear up any, well, technical difficulties, but I kinda...well...tried to drive your car while you were at school, and well, I sorta...ummm...well, the windshield and hood will explain the rest to you," I paused. "Are you havin' a heart attack or something'?" I stared at her for a moment. "You look really stressed, and studies show that high stress levels may lead to serious heart problems, including heart attacks," I said in my 'specially news-reporter voice. Then, realizing the peril I was in, I tried a feeble, "Please don't kill me. I'm...uhhh...protected by...ummm..." Lacking inspiration for a split second, I quickly piped up and said, "magical ninjas who'll come out and throw Chinese stars at ya and pin ya to the wall if you try to hurt me in any way! I can...uhhh...summon them with...uhhh...my magical mind powers!"
Strangely unwavered by my seemingly hazardous threat, she mournfully sighed, "This is going to be a long walk; come on."
We slowly started to trek through the eerie midnight darkness shrouding everything in shadow.
"Maybe you should be more careful with your car, Cordy, 'cause then real hazardous-to-your-health accidents like crashes wouldn't happen. Even though you could prob'ly get into the World Records Books with how you have like 10 billion trillion crashes like every day." Cordy wasn't laughing at my attempt at a joke. "You obviously aren't very re-spon-si-ble if you left your car at home with me. And furthermore-" I instantly regretted that remark.
Cordy shot up and chased after me in a flaming rage. My legs sprinting at breakneck speed; I ran like a rabbit from a fat fox
"Cordy, you're so slow you could never catch me- hey, using Mommy's car is illegal! Can't we have a truce? Hey, don't go to the movies without me, I promise I won't-"Cordy sped past me, kicking rocks into my face. "Cough, cough," I hacked. "Mommy's gonna hear about this little episode..." I grumbled, and started to wander home.