Title: And So I Cry

Author: M. Reis, AKA crazywriter, crazywriter@corporatedirtbag.com

Rating: PG-13

Warning: homosexuality, hate crimes

Disclaimer: lyrics (in italics) belong to Gordon Lightfoot and his song, Never Too Close.

Feedback: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, REVIEW!

I never visited Bridget's grave in the days, or weeks, or months, after she died. Scared, I guess, bitter, I guess… guilty, I guess. There's so many emotions that still swim around in me, so many feelings I never bothered to come to terms with.

Maybe because I'm scared. Yeah, that's it. Isn't that always it? I'm scared of a lot, of life without Alice, of what people might think of us even now. I guess that's what keeps me from Bridget's grave- I don't want to be viewed as her grieving widow. Because I'm not… we never got that far.

Life without Bridget… it's a scary thought you know. All my life, it was us too. Bridget and Bridgette. Best friends, same name, same interests, same personality. Like the same person, I guess. It was fate that we were meant to be best friends.

I remember when best friends were jealous lovers
Lyin' warm asleep beneath the covers

We grew up though. We couldn't stay innocent little children, with friends who called us the Bridges, like one person, or parents who referred to us fondly as a their twins, or their other daughter. Life doesn't stay that simple. We grow up. We always have to grow up.

Grow up into quote unquote "normal" teen girls. Grow up to be just what we had never been, Bridget and Bridgette, separate entities. She went off and joined track and softball, I joined choir and drama club.

Robert Frost wrote, two "roads diverged in a wood and I…"

How does that poem go?

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I,

I took the one less traveled by.

And that has made all the difference."

Bridget always liked that poem. She read it to me once, when she was trying to convince me… convince me to be, be that way. To be hers, only hers.

But… I had a boyfriend, Ryan. And besides… I wasn't gay. Neither was she.

We were both normal.

Dreaming of belonging to each other
And so we tried, never too close
Never too near, dyin' in time

Bridget loved me, this I know… why on Earth did I ever let that go? Why did I forget that she loved me, and I loved her? Why was it the night she asked me what I'd do if she told me she was in love with me, why did I say what I did?

"Bridge?" she asked, taking a bite of pizza. "I've got a question for you."

"Shoot," I told her.

"Promise you won't freak out?" she asked carefully. I grinned and laughed a bit.

"Of course not, who do you think I am? Someone who's not your best friend?" She grinned back.

"Right," she agreed. She took a deep breath, "What would you do if I told you I was in love with you?"

I laughed slightly, nervously, "What kind of question is that, Bridget?"

She shrugged, "A hypothetical one. Answer." What is this? I fumed in my mind, have you figured out that I love you?

"I'd, um… let you down gently?" I managed.

And when she had looked back at me was hurt… and hate in her eyes, but it only lasted a little while before it was gone.

Before it was always gone.

And so we cried but that is alright
We meant no one no harm

I lied to Bridget. And now I get to live with myself. Now I get to face what might have been… what was, what almost was. I don't know anymore, whether we were something, or just were meant to be. And in all honesty, I don't know if I care anymore. That's the way things go, you know? They just end up like this or that.

Until it's all too late.

I loved Bridget. I loved her with all my heart.

That's probably why I told everyone I was in love with Ryan.

Ryan…

That fucken bastard.

But I tried, we tried, God knows, we tried to be normal. She dated that boy… Joseph, she dated him for me. Because I wanted us to be normal. I needed us to be normal. We had to be normal.

And they killed her.

I remember when best friends were not mistaken
Long before that freedom was forsaken

They killed Bridget. They fucken killed her. They killed her because… because she was in love with me.

"What's wrong with Joseph, Bridget?" I demanded stupidly, I was so stupid back then… I still am. "He's such a nice guy."

"He's not you," she spat angrily. "No matter what, he's not you."

"So what?" I exploded, "I mean, fuck it, Bridge, get over me, already!"

"You don't get it, do you, Bridgette?" she muttered, "You'll never get it. You'll never want this. You'll never make this work."

"Hey, I didn't ask for this," I shot back, "Besides, it's not like you're the only one affected by this."

"Stop!" she ordered, "Damn it, Bridgette, quit acting like you're the one who got hurt. Stop acting like you're the one who gave up everything so we could have this. Stop acting like it was all you. Stop acting like I broke your heart."

"But you did," I murmured weakly as she started to walk away. She turned around.

"What?"

Learnin' 'bout all the good things
In the world worth believin'

"Fuck no, Bridge, don't stop," I gasped, "Never stop."

"Never," she breathed, allowing her hands to resume their ministrations, "Never, never, never."

"I love you, Bridget."

"I love you too, Bridgette."

"What the fuck?" I heard a male voice scream. I turned to look.

Ryan and Joseph.


And so we tried, never too close

"No," I shouted, "Leave her alone!" They didn't listen as they kicked her.

They didn't stop. And all I could do was watch as they beat here. And raped her. And left her to die.

To fix us.

Just like I watched her die two days later in a hospital bed.


Never too near, dyin' in time

I cried so much in the days following her death. I thought I would never stop crying, never stop hurting, never stop missing her.

And you know what? I haven't stopped.

I couldn't even manage to make it to her funeral, much less her gravesite. I just hid, hid in my room, in fear, and pain, and all the emotions she never wanted me to feel. I hid, hid from her ghost and memory. Hid from it all.

Hid from her.

I miss her so much. I hurt so bad while she was alive and then she died.

She died, and she left me all alone. To face the rain, the rain of teardrops on my face, staining my cheeks.

And so we cried but that is alright
We meant no one no harm

I was too late, you know. She died because of me. Because of me and my stupidity.

I remember when jealous lovers would stick together
When the days were warm and the nights more tender
When the bonds of truth were not made to measure

Because I wanted to live a lie…

And so we tried, never too close
Never too near, dyin' in time

She died.

I might have well of killed her myself.

And so we cried but that is alright
We meant no one no harm
Try, try as you will
Following dreams never fulfilled

I loved her. I loved her. I loved her. I loved her so much. I can't go see her grave though. It would make her death real. And I can't let it be real yet, lest it destroy me and everything I might have believed in. Lest it destroy the love we had. She died for me. She died for love… Love that we could have shared, love that meant no harm to anyone. One of the few things still worth believing in. And yet, here I am… crying for her. Crying because… because I lost her.

And so I cry.

And so we cried but that is alright
We meant no one no harm