Warning: homosexual themes, angst like mad, and foul language
Claimer: This is an ORIGINAL story, written under the pen name of Deadxdreamer. If you wish to post, archive, or reproduce any portion of this story, then please, contact me and obtain permission first. Thank you.
I suppose you feel like I've betrayed you. Lying in our bed, in our sheets, looking out our window… only it's with someone else.
He's twisted in the sheets like you liked to doze. I try to close my eyes and detach him from you, but I can't. God, what is wrong with me? I feel like I could love him, that he fits so right; that the hurt he's suffered is so like my own. We fit together so well. God Ryan, he fills the hole that's left in my soul after you were killed.
But why does that make it that much harder to stop thinking of you?
A few days into when you left… I would see you everywhere. A glimpse of raven black hair here, a fleeting glance of royal blue eyes, a stride, a touch, a ghost of a whisper in my ear. I would wake up in sweat soaked sheets after dreaming of holding you only to lose you to complete and utter darkness. Even now, I swear I see you.
I don't want to hurt him. That would tear me up and eat me alive if I ever did that. He deserves to be happy. Just all the… trauma that he had to go through in high school. He should be happy… and I want to make him so.
He's perfect, Ryan. He really is. I wish you knew him when you were still alive. I just hope that I'll be able to forget you… just this once. I want to be happy again. He makes me happy. I want to smile…. God I've forgotten how to smile, but he's reminded me.
I love him.
Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and realize what that means and finally stop seeing you, stop trying to pretend that you're still here. I'm ready to move on; God knows I've suffered for so long. It's just so hard to let you go.
But for him… I have to.