A/N:  So… Yeah… Insanity ensues… Reader discretion is advised due to Calculator Abuse…  This is not recommended for squeamish people… What am I saying?  Lol… It's just fine peoples…

Chapter Five

Matho and His Calculator Friends

Cabin 9 stayed out until about three in the morning the night of the watermelon explosion.   Hucking chunks of watermelon around and ganging up on Brian.  Death chaining Mitch and Matt.  You know, the norm.

"WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!" Screeched Savage Garden.

"GET UP!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screeched Fairy Boy.  Matt and Mitch were startled by this and fell out of their beds. 

"WHAT THE HELL??!?!?!?!" Screamed Angie, Gia, Dani, and Elijah.

"GET UP YOU'RE ALL LATE FOR BREAKFAST!!" Screeched Savage Garden. 


"WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE US UP!" Screeched Savage Garden.

"YOU'RE THE COUSELLORS DUMBASS!!" Screamed Elijah.  Savage Garden opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the door opening and a very flustered looking Malone barged in.

"WHAT IS WITH ALL OF THE SCREAMING?!" He shouted angrily putting his hands on his hips and tapping his foot in a very feminine way. 

"BECAUSE," Angie shouted then her voice returned to normal with a stern glare from Malone.  "Because these fruit cakes didn't wake us up!"

"Is this true?" Malone turned to Savage Garden and Fairy Boy.

"Yes, sir," they said in unison.

"Well, then it's you're fault they're late," Malone said pointedly.  "Now, I've decided that you two will be with your cabin while they are in their activities because you have been going off too much!"


"No buts!!" And with that Malone stomped out of the cabin. 

"Ha ha!  You guys are gay!" Cabin 9 laughed.

"Ha ha!  You guys are stuck with us!" Savage Garden laughed and Cabin 9 immediately shut up and glared. 

*        *         *

The wind was blowing in from the north so Cabin 9 donned sweaters.  Angie had a white sweater.  Matt had one with stripes.  Mitch had one that zipped up the front.  Dani's was white and Gia's was dark green.  Elijah's was an eccentric one with some Hawaiian flowers on it. 

Savage Garden still wore his hot pink short shorts.  Fairy Boy was in his Khaki shorts and he wore a sweater that had H.C.S.B.E.S.C. plastered across the front of it.  The two were bickering about something that cabin 9 didn't care to pay attention to.

"Those two are freaks," Angie pointed out as they neared the activity sign up where Forrester was.

"Not as bad as she is though," Elijah said as he nodded toward Forrester.

"HELLO DARLINGS!!!" Forrester screeched.  "What can I do for you today?"

"We need to sign up for an activity," Fairy Boy said sweetly. 

"Well you're in luck," she said matter-of-factly as she pinched Fairy Boy's cheek.  "You have two options this time.  You can go to basketball with Jay or Matho and his Calculator Friends…"

"Oh! Oh!  Matho and his Calculator Friends!!!  Matho and his Calculator Friends!!" Savage Garden said jumping up and down.

"Now, I think that the campers want to go to Basketball," Fairy Boy said trying to calm Savage Garden down.

"NO!! Matho and his Calculator Friends!!!"

"No, hun, they want Basketball."

"Matho and his Calculator Friends!!!!!!!"

"THAT'S IT!  I've had enough of your shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  With that Fairy Boy stormed off.  Savage Garden glared at his back with his hands on his hips and tapping his foot.  Cabin 9 laughed at him, he turned around and glared.  Cabin 9 shut up.

"That's better," Savage Garden said as he turned back to Forrester.  

"I never did like that boy," Forrester said looking after Fairy Boy with a disapproving glare, her hand was on her chin in a way that suggested she was very thoughtful.  "I say you're better off without him, darling."

"But I loved him," sniffed Savage Garden.

"There, there, dear," Forrester said with a comforting pat on his back. 

"Umm, I hate to interrupt but we're going to be late for our activity.  Could we sign up for one, please?" Mitch asked.  Forrester turned to glare at the poor kid.  She looked him up and down for a minute and reached under her desk.

"NO!" She threw a pen at him. 

"PLEASE?" Said the rest of the cabin as Mitch rolled on the ground at the pain of having a pen chucked at him.

"Damn it!  Just let us sign up for a stupid activity and we'll let you comfort dumbass here!" Dani yelled.  Forrester looked at her wide-eyed then smiled.

"I like you!  Okay, darlings, here you go," she gave a sign up sheet to Savage Garden much to cabin 9's chagrin. 

So off to Matho and His Calculator friends.  All the while, cabin 9 was shouting and yelling at a crying Savage Garden for signing them up for stupid math shit.  'We're supposed to be at camp not at school, bastard.' Was basically what they shouted. 

When they arrived at the dock there was this little man hopping around talking to his dinosaurs and calculators and eating a bag of what looked like Altoids.  They walked out and the little Tibetan man started screeching at them in mathematical terms.

"Umm…?" They all said collectively. 

"MANGO!!!!!!! MANGO LOVERSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He shouted.

"What the hell?!" Elijah shouted at him.

"No not what the hell… But what the MANGO!!!"

"WHAT?" Everyone asked. 

"You say umm… You say MANGO!!" Then he picked up his bag of supposed 'Altoids' and started cramming them in his mouth like cookie monster with cookies.

"Are you finished?" Snapped Savage Garden bitchily.   He did the disgusted noise, hand-on-the-hip-foot-tapping thing that he does and Matho looked at him weird. 

"YEAH!" Matt laughed.  "High Five."  They high five-d and Savage Garden winced and looked at his hand.  "Sorry?"

The rest of Cabin 9 snorted. 

"OKAY  KIDDIES!!!" Matho cackled.  "Time for DINOSAUR MATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"HOW THE HELL CAN YOU DO MATH WITH DINOSAURS, FUCKER?" Dani shouted at Matho who looked as if she had just stomped on one of his Calculator Friends. 

"Well," he squeaked.  "I'll show you!"

 Matho started stomping around the dock finding various dinosaurs and calculators.  He handed them out and made the campers sit on the dock.

"Please, Please be careful with my Calculator Friends.  They mean so much to me.  Who wants the bestest, best calculator?" He asked.

Angie and Elijah stood up and started jumping around chanting 'Me!! ME!' like two year olds.  Matho was about to hand the calculator over to Elijah when Angie pushed him off the dock with a 'SMUCK!'.

"Here you go, Eli- I mean Angie," Matho said with a look that said 'you-are-bestowed-with-the-honour-of-Calculator'.

"How do you- sonofabitch-stupid mother fucker- jesus!" Angie said as she wrestled with the calculator, trying to get it open. 

"Wait-no-that's not-stop- oh-my-god!" Matho was pale watching Angie freak out on his Calculator.  Then…

SNAP! Angie broke the calculator in half and Matho freaked.


"PRECIOUS?" Elijah said from the water and he hopped back up on the dock spraying everyone with water.  "You have the PRECIOUS??!!"

He picked up half of the calculator and threw it at Matho, it missed him and flew into the canoes.  All of the sudden, they heard "OW!!". 

Cabin 9 went over to investigate, and left Matho there in hysterics.  He was petting the half of the calculator that remained; rocking back forth saying it 'Was all right', and behind the canoes was a guy with a curling iron, he had the deer in headlights look going on.  He smiled sheepishly and they spotted his notepad and own calculator and dinosaur.  He then handed over the other half of the calculator wordlessly.

Dani took the half and slowly backed away, as did the rest of the cabin. 

"Hey, Matho, who's the dude behind the canoes?" Angie asked as the return to sitting on the dock. 

"I dunno…" He glared.  "He just follows me around and-."

"HEY MATHO!!" Screamed Jay.  He was running in a zig-zag pattern toward, his kilt was blowing in the wind.  He ran down on the dock and stopped in front of Matho.  "Cool!!" He picked up two of the glow in the dark Thibedeau award lizards.  "Hey kids!"


"If we had two dinosaurs, and this one at this one," he held up said dinosaurs.  "How many dinosaurs would there be left."

Matho makes a noise of disgust. "Obviously… There would be 1 left."

"WRONG!!!" Jay screamed. "There would be two because he hasn't eaten him YET!!!!!"  He cackled evilly then ran away.

"THAT"S NOT THE LAW OF DINOSAUR!!!" Matho shouted at Jay's retreating back.  "Anyway, that guy behind the canoes follows me around, copying everything I say, even if it's gibberish and then asks me to mark it.  I mean, come on!!!" 

"HEY MATHO!!!!" Jay was back.  "CAN I HAVE A MINT!!!?!??!"

"NO!!!  There not mints, BASTARD!!!!!" Matho shouted.  Cabin 9 turned to Matho. 

"They're not mints?" Mitch asked.  Matho got this big smile of pride on his face.

"Nope!" He puffed himself up all big.

"Then what are they?" Gia asked.  He opened his ziplock freezer bag, pulled one out and held it out.  She reached out hesitantly.  "Do you mind if I look?"

"Not At All." He handed her the 'Altoid Look Alike'. 

"Motrin," She read aloud.

"Motrin?" The guy behind the canoe said a little giddy.  Cabin 9 turned to glare at him and he went back behind the canoes.

"Yes, that's what they are," He said matter-of-factly.  Then his voice went to a whisper and he leaned in, as did everybody else.  "I sometimes use them to bribe that guy behind the canoes.  He seems to like them; he trips out and calls me Mr. McFee, but it keeps him away from me for a couple of hours so it's worth it.  I saw him chasing a flock of geese once, it was funny because they got pissed off and nearly pecked his face off."  Matho took out a small baggy and put about a dozen Motrin pills into.  "Give this to him.  He should leave you and I alone for a while."

Everyone seemed to not want to take the baggy of Motrin, finally Angie was brave enough to take the baggy and hand it back to the guy behind the canoes.  They started to leave but Matho stopped them.

"Am I going to give you a test tomorrow?" He asked and all he got was blank stares from the cabin.  "YES!"

"Test on what?!" Dani shouted.  "You didn't teach us anything to test us on!!!"

"How dare you question my method of teaching!"

"Who questioned your method of teaching, ASS?!"

Cabin 9 left Matho freaking out about his teaching method and about how it was perfect and fool proof.  He was almost out of range when he yelled:  "DON'T BE SURPRISED IF I GIVE YOU SURPRISE TEST TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*        *         *

A/N:  This is what happens when you have too much time on your hands… Drop a review….

P.S.  Matho is my math teacher… Yes his name is Mr. Matho… Yes, he calls us 'Mango Lovers' if we say umm… Yes he does the stupid answers his own rhetorical question.  Yes, we think he's hopped up on Mortrin…