Letter To Myself

Dear Broken One,
Things aren't going great for you right now. When was the last time you stood back and took a good look at your life? Worked out who you really are, where you want to go, and more importantly, what you want to be? You've spent your whole life searching for that special something... have you ever found it? You know you haven't. But you shouldn't give up looking.

The last year has been sheer hell for you. I know, I've been there. I know about everything. Starving yourself. Throwing up. The cutting… I saw every drop of blood fall. I was there each morning in May, when you panicked about your exams. You drank vodka to calm yourself down, at 8 AM. It's a miracle you did that good, I thought you wouldn't pass any of them. I remember when you turned to your boyfriend for the support you need. Is he enough? I was there when that man got you drunk, took advantage. I felt every moment of the shame and guilt afterwards. I was there when your boyfriend found out. When he held you to try and make it better, and you wanted to be held... but you had to force yourself not to shy away after what the other man did to you.

Think of all the tears that you've cried. Were they all in vain? I was there, I saw them... I could even have counted them (although I didn't!) The nightmares that made you wake up… your sleep was so infrequent and troubled before then, now you get even less. It's so sad... you're scared to even put your head down on the pillow sometimes, especially on the nights when your boyfriend is away and you're all alone.

Think back a little. When the pain inside was still growing and wasn't enough to drive you to become the wreck you are now. The lies that you started to tell to try and make it all better. They made it worse.

You thought you had found the truth. Was it? Is it? You're trying to work it out now, but you're not getting very far. I know how difficult it is, how painful and emotionally draining it becomes. I know you're sick of the hate and hurt and pain, the feelings of helplessness. I know...

I know, because I'm you.