Weak

                No, I couldn't let this bother me so much… I mustn't. I can't. I just can't.

                But it does bother me that much…

                It does…

                I mean, I've just lost someone.

                Not just someone, MY special someone…

                No, she's not dead. She'd just left.

                Left.

                She didn't break up with me. She'd just left. Would you believe me if I told you that I wouldn't be as devastated as I am now if she'd only broken up with me and not LEFT?

                I feel that I am useless. I couldn't even keep the girl that I love by my side. No, I just had to drive her away. Just like the way I drive away everyone else… there's this 'vibe' around me. I just can't be a nice and happy-go-lucky person. I'm always so 'cool' and moody. But I do have my share of friends and I think that is enough. Isn't it?

                "I'm not breaking up with you… I'm leaving you." Ouch… that really hurts.

                I did try to mend the damage that I did. But she had made up her mind. She was going to leave. And that's final. She's going out of the door and close it. Leaving me behind all alone, cold… sad.

                Oh yes, I cried. I cried myself to sleep. But I never really did sleep. Do you get what I mean? It's like you're sleeping but you're still aware of what is happening around you. Like your brain is hyperactive or something. For me, it was also cause I had a really bad headache. It was a numbing one… not the splitting headaches that I get when I'm doing the Literature paper.

                And I also cut.

                This was the reason why she left.

                "I can't make you stop cutting. I've tried and tried. And now I'm tired."

                Tired. That was one word she promised me that she wouldn't be. She's giving up on me. Though she said she'd never ever give up on me even if everyone else does. And I believed her. And she lied.

                I was really trying very hard to stop. I had put my blade away and only cut if something REALLY upsets me… but I guess that was not enough for her. But it's VERY hard to stop cutting after you've been doing it for 6 years… you cutters out there understand don't you? But that was not enough for her. She needed something more. And I couldn't give it to her.

                I know it's my fault. But I can't help it… she doesn't believe me. Do you?

                And for the first time ever, I slashed both of my wrists open. But I couldn't get too deep, as the blade is a little blunt. But I did manage to draw blood… a lot of it. But no one will know about it… except you readers of course…

                She said she loved me. She said she would be with me forever if forever did exist. Forever. Bullshit! Not even 3 months of dating and she leaves! Lies… all lies…

                I'm starting to feel that the world is fake. All lies and masks. They're everywhere. Even the only person that I've opened up to and trusted had told me lies. And abandoned me. How can I face the world? I don't believe in anyone or anything anymore…

                Most of all, I don't believe in love. There's no such thing. All lies…

                I guess you must be really tired from reading this crap. (But if you stayed reading this long, thanks.) this is just a way for me to vent out all my emotions. I'm really hurt you see… but the main thing why I'm sitting her ranting and bleeding is because of one very simple thing.

                Because I'm…

                Weak.