Wise Man 3: I think I have worked it out. We follow that star. [Points at star]

Wise Man 2: The really bright one?

Wise Man 3: Yep.

Wise Man 1: Kind of looks like a comet burning up in our atmosphere.

Wise Man 2: One of those global killers?

Wise Man 1: Yeah.

[Silence]

Wise Man 2: It's not one of them, is it?

Wise Man 3: No… [Looks at star]…I'm pretty sure it's not.

Wise Man 1: God would tell us, wouldn't he?

Wise Man 2: I don't know he has been known to play the odd practical joke now and again.

Wise Man 1: Yeah but he wouldn't kill all life on the Earth just for a practical joke, would he?

Wise Man 3: Of course not.

Wise Man 2: So what's the plan?

Wise Man 3: We follow it.

Wise Man 2: The star?

Wise Man 3: Yeah.

Wise Man 2: Stars don't move though.

Wise Man 3: This is a special star.

Wise Man 2: Not mushroom special?

Wise Man 3: No.

Wise Man 2: And the star will lead us to the messiah?

Wise Man 3: That's the plan.

Wise Man 1: This is going to be fun.

[Four fun-filled days, thirteen excitement-packed hours, twenty-nine enjoyment-crammed minutes and two quite-boring-actually seconds later]

Wise Man 1: That was fun.

Wise Man 2: It sure was.

Wise Man 1: I can't believe you copped off with Queen Lavigne.

Wise Man 2: Man, she was so freaking hot.

Wise Man 1: Tell us what it was like spare no detail, especially the ones where she is naked.

Wise Man 3: A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell.

Wise Man 2: You're not a gentleman, you're a wise man.

Wise Man 3: I'm thinking of moving up when we finish our current job.

Wise Man 1: My grandfather was a gentleman, man, could he tell a few stories.

Wise Man 2: I heard the hours are terrible.

Wise Man 3: Yeah but the pay is decent and you get the second Tuesday of every month off.

Wise Man 1: He said he killed a man just by looking at him.

Wise Man 2: What about the benefits?

Wise Man 1: And he said he shot Kennedy but I don't think he did, he is allergic to grass.

Wise Man 3: Free dental and a nurse in a skimpy costume comes round when you call in sick.

Wise Man 2: Really? I'm surprised you don't just call in sick all the time.

Wise Man 3: Oh, she only comes round for the first time. The second time they send round big Charlie.

Wise Man 2: What about the third time?

Wise Man 3: No one has ever been off sick for a third time.

Wise Man 1: And he said he invented the monkey.

Wise Man 2: What are you talking about?

Wise Man 1: My grandfather.

Wise Man 2: You didn't have a grandfather.

Wise Man 1: You don't have to tell people that.

Wise Man 3: What do you mean he didn't have a grandfather?

Wise Man 2: He was a test-tube baby.

Wise Man 1: Don't tell people that!

Wise Man 2: Okay, sorry. I won't tell anyone else, I swear.

Wise Man 1: Good…Stop looking at me like that!

Wise Man 3: Sorry.

[Three sand-filled hours and fifty-five dusted-covered minutes later]

Wise Man 3: Damn bloody sand.

Wise Man 2: It's the desert.

Wise Man 3: I know but come on! Does there have to be so goddamn much of it?

Wise Man 2: I think that's the whole point.

Wise Man 1: Talking of sand, what presents do we have?

Wise Man 2: Presents?

Wise Man 3: Didn't you get the presents?

Wise Man 2: What presents?

Wise Man 1: For the birthday of the Messiah.

Wise Man 2: We're supposed to bring presents?

Wise Man 3: Of course we bloody are! It is his sodding birthday! You c**t!

Wise Man 2: I didn't know.

Wise Man 3: But I gave you three hundred dollars to buy some.

Wise Man 2: I thought you wanted me to spend that in Vegas.

Wise Man 3: Why would I want you to do that?

Wise Man 2: I didn't think it was my place to question why.

Wise Man 3: So we have no f*ck*ng presents!

Wise Man 2: No.

Wise Man 1: Don't worry I saw a Toy-R-Us back there.

Wise Man 3: Okay give him the credit card.

Wise Man 2: Me?

Wise Man 3: You do have the credit card, don't you?

Wise Man 2: Considering what you just found out, do I really have to answer that?

Wise Man 3: I don't believe it!

Wise Man 1: We have no credit card?

Wise Man 2: Apparently not.

Wise Man 1: So we have no way of buying any presents?

Wise Man 2: Nope.

Wise Man 3: Don't panic! No one panic!

Wise Man 2: We're not panic…

Wise Man 3: Don't panic!

Wise Man 2: I wasn't, I was just…

Wise Man 3: For the love of God, don't panic! The last thing we need to do now is panic!

[Wise Man 1 slaps Wise Man 3]

Wise Man 1: Snap out of it!

Wise Man 3: Ow!

[Wise Man 3 slaps Wise Man 1]

Wise Man 1: What did you do that for?

Wise Man 3: Because you did this…

[Wise Man 3 slaps Wise Man 1]

Wise Man 1: Ow! Oh, you're so dead!

[Wise Man 2 slaps both Wise Man 1 and 3]

Wise Man 2: Calm down both of you!

[Wise Man 3 slaps Wise Man 2]

[Wise Man 1 slaps Wise Man 3]

[Wise Man 2 slaps a stranger who was just walking by]

[Stranger slaps Wise Man 2]

[Wise Man 1, 2 and 3 slap the stranger]

[Stranger calls nearby gang]

[Wise Man 1, 2 and 3 run away from chasing gang]

[One eventful, including a melon stand, chase later]

Wise Man 2: Luckily that melon stand was there.

Wise Man 3: Very lucky.

Wise Man 1: Not for me.

Wise Man 2: Don't worry it's not bleeding…much.

Wise Man 3: We have a bigger problem than possible brain trauma.

Wise Man 1: I don't.

Wise Man 3: What are we going to do about the whole present's thing?

Wise Man 1: Seriously I think I should go to a hospital.

Wise Man 3: Don't be such a baby let me have a look at it…OH MY GOD! Put it away! Put it away!

Wise Man 1: Not good?

Wise Man 3: Its fine…excuse me. [Wise Man 3 throws up]

Wise Man 2: I got it! We should call MasterCard and get a replacement.

Wise Man 3: Good idea…excuse me [Wise Man 3 throws up again]

Wise Man 1: Is it just me or everything going a little red?

Wise Man 2: It's just you…So what's the number?

Wise Man 3: 666999666 [Number changed for security and memory reasons]

Wise Man 2: You know that off by heart?

Wise Man 1: My head hurts.

Wise Man 3: I used to work for MasterCard.

Wise Man 2: Really?

Wise Man 1: I'm just going to lie down.

Wise Man 3: Long time ago though.

Wise Man 2: Think they have changed the number?

Wise Man 1: Don't worry about me; I'll be fine in a few minutes.

Wise Man 3: I don't see why they would but there is only one way to find out.

[Wise Man 3 brings out a mobile phone and dials the number]

MasterCard…err…person: Hello, how can I help you?

Wise Man 3: I lost my MasterCard.

MasterCard Person: There will be one waiting for you at Bethlehem.

Wise Man 3: Oh great…wait, how did you know we we're going to Bethlehem? …Hello? …Hello? I think they hung up.

MasterCard Person: I didn't hang up.

Wise Man 3: Then why didn't you answer my question? …Hello? …Hello?

MasterCard Person: I can't answer questions.

Wise Man 3: Really? …Hello? …Hello?

MasterCard Person: I can't answer ANY question.

Wise Man 3: That must be hard.

MasterCard Person: I cope.

Wise Man 3: So you can't answer any question?

[MasterCard Person hangs up]

Wise Man 3: He and/or she hung up.

Wise Man 2: So?

Wise Man 3: There will be a card waiting in Bethlehem.

Wise Man 2: Great…where's Wise Man 1?

Wise Man 3: He is lying in that pool of blood over there.

Wise Man 2: Lazy git.

[Several days, one trip to casualty (ER to Americans) and four toilet rolls later]

[Setting: Bethlehem]

Wise Man 3: You got the presents?

Wise Man 2: There wasn't much choice.

Wise Man 3: What did you get?

Wise Man 1: Gold.

Wise Man 3: Gold? I suppose that could be useful. Kind of a little nest egg for the future.

Wise Man 2: Yeah, it goes downhill from there.

Wise Man 3: What else did you get?

Wise Man 1: Frankenstein.

Wise Man 2: It's pronounced and spelt Frankincense.

Wise Man 3: What's that?

Wise Man 2: We think it is some kind of perfume.

Wise Man 3: Perfume? He is a little kid, what the Goddamn use is perfume to him?

Wise Man 2: Maybe he wants that fresh baby smell?

Wise Man 3: He already has that fresh baby smell! Because he is a bloody baby!

Wise Man 1: Maybe we shouldn't tell you what our third gift is.

Wise Man 3: It can't be worse than Frankincense.

Wise Man 1: It's myrrh.

Wise Man 3: Myrrh? MYRRH! What the bloody hell is myrrh?

Wise Man 2: We have no idea on this one.

Wise Man 3: Well there's no time now to change it, he is going to be born in a couple of minutes.

Wise Man 1: Do you mind if we miss the birth?

Wise Man 3: Why do you want to miss the birth?

Wise Man 1: All that blood and everything…it just makes me a little sick.

Wise Man 3: You want me to miss the birth of the messiah, the saviour of our people, the son of God because you get a little sick?

Wise Man 1: If you don't mind?

Wise Man 3: Yeah okay, to be honest I get a little sick too.

[A few minutes and the introduction of AD time later]

[Wise Man 3 knocks on the door of the inn]

Innkeeper: Yes? What do you want?

Wise Man 3: We are looking for the messiah.

Innkeeper: Messiah? We don't have a Messiah here; we have a Messer but no Messiah.

Wise Man 3: We have travelled long and far and the bright star has led us to this inn.

Innkeeper: Bright star? I thought that was the full moon.

Wise Man 3: Next to the full moon.

Innkeeper: Well I'll be, so you're right. But how can you follow a star? It doesn't move.

Wise Man 2: It's a holy star.

Innkeeper: A holy star?

Wise Man 1: God has used it to guide us to the Messiah.

Innkeeper: Why didn't he just tell you where to go instead of creating the elaborate bright star guiding thing?

Wise Man 3: God works in mysterious ways.

Innkeeper: He works in lunatic ways, if you ask me.

Wise Man 2: Is the Messiah here or not?

Innkeeper: Like I told you we don't have a Messiah here.

Wise Man 1: You must do, God has led us to this place.

Innkeeper: Well you obviously followed the wrong star because he ain't here.

Wise Man 3: Look the star is hovering over that stable.

Innkeeper: Oh, that's the weird couple.

Wise Man 1: Weird? How?

Innkeeper: Well she was as big as a house and obviously ready to burst but I didn't see any ring on her finger. I think something fishy is going on, something…Hey! Where are you going? [3 Wise Men leave]…Bloody Wise Men.

[Setting: Stable]

Wise Man 3: Hello?

Mary: Yes?

Wise Man 3: We are three Wise Men, we have travelled far to see the new born Messiah.

Mary: You mean Barry?

Wise Man 2: You named him Barry?

Mary: What? I like the name.

Wise Man 1: It doesn't sound much like a Messiah's name.

Mary: What do you suggest?

Wise Man 1: Charles?

Mary: Too posh.

Wise Man 2: Bob?

Mary: Too boring.

Wise Man 1: Hank?

Mary: Too American.

Wise Man 2: Jacque?

Mary: Too French.

Wise Man 1: Shamus?

Mary: Too Irish.

Wise Man 2: Gordon?

Mary…hmm…Gordon.

Wise Man 3: Jesus.

Mary: Jesus? Now that has a ring to it. Yes, I think I shall call him Jesus…Jesus Smith.

Wise Man 3: Christ.

Mary: What's wrong?

Wise Man 3: You should name him Jesus Christ.

Mary: You are very pushy for Wise Men.

Wise Man 3: It is the will of God that you name him Jesus Christ!

Mary: All right, all right, calm down, calm down. I'll name him Jesus Christ, happy?

Wise Man 3: Very. We have brought gifts to celebrate this momentous event.

Mary: Oooh…what you get?

Wise Man 1: Gold, Frankincense and myrrh.

Mary: Myrrh? What's Myrrh?

Wise Man 1: …Err…it's embalming…stuff.

Mary: You don't know, do you?

Wise Man 3: Of course we know.

Mary: I don't think its embalming stuff.

Wise Man 3: It is embalming stuff!

Mary: He sure shouts a lot.

Wise Man 2: Tell me about it.

Mary: What do we do now?

Wise Man 3: We leave.

Mary: Already?

Wise Man 3: Yes, there are several other Messiahs that we must welcome into this world.

Mary: I thought there was only one.

Wise Man 3: We're hedging our bets.

Mary: Smart thinking.

Wise Man 3: Thanks.

Wise Man 1: Hey guys, I think my wound has opened up again.

Wise Man 2: If you stopped picking at it then it won't do that.

Wise Man 1: It itches.

Wise Man 2: You're just so childish.

Wise Man 1: Am not!

Wise Man 2: Are too!

Wise Man 3: If you will excuse me, I have to go slap some sense into these two.

Mary: Goodbye, have fun with the whole welcoming the Messiahs thing.

Wise Man 3: Thanks.

[Wise Man 1, 2 and 3 exit]

Mary: Embalming stuff?