The Narrator

F/X – There was a sudden cracking noise similar to that produced when a foot is pressed down on a fallen twig

Greg: "Did you hear that?"

Carlos: "Hear what?"

Narrator: "There was a sudden cracking noise similar to that produced when a foot is pressed down on a fallen twig."

Greg: "That!"

Carlos: "What was that?"

Greg: "I don't know."

Carlos: "It sounded like a foot being pressed down on a fallen twig."

Greg: "That was exactly what I was thinking."

Narrator: "Same here."

Carlos: "Who are you?"

Narrator: "The narrator."

Greg: "The what now?"

Narrator: "The narrator. I'm the person who narrates your story for the readers."

Carlos: "Well, what are you doing in the story?"

Narrator: "It is no fun being the narrator. You don't get any of the fame. No one ever remembers the narrator."

Greg: "If you hate being a narrator so much why don't you quit?"

Narrator: "I can't. My wife would never let me. She says I have to have a job with a steady salary and career prospects. Think of the kids she says. We don't even have kids!"

Greg: "If you don't want to be a narrator, what do you want to be?"

Narrator: "A squirrel."

Greg: "Excuse me?"

Narrator: "A squirrel."

Carlos: "It sounds like you are saying a squirrel."

Narrator: "I am."

Greg: "Why would you want to be a squirrel?"

Narrator: "They are majestic creatures. Running from tree to tree in search of nuts for the winter…"

Carlos: "Yes, but there is a slight problem with you being a squirrel."

Narrator: "What's that?"

Carlos: "You are a human."

Narrator: "So?"

Greg: "You kind of lack the necessary attributes to be a squirrel."

Narrator: "I don't understand."

Greg: "Well, for example, humans don't have the same tree-climbing ability of a squirrel."

Narrator: "I could learn."

Greg: "Yes I suppose you could."

Carlos: "Okay, what about your lack of a nice bushy tale?"

Narrator "I could grow one."

Carlos: "Grow one?"

Narrator: "Yes."

Greg: "You can't grow a tail."

Narrator: "Why not?"

Greg: "It is medically, physically, and philosophically impossible."

Narrator "They said the same thing about the man who wanted to grow an elephant trunk."

Carlos: "And he couldn't."

Narrator: "Yes, but that is not the point."

Greg: "What is the point?"

Narrator: "The point is that I can grow a tale if I put my mind to it."

Carlos: "This guy is crazy. I knew we shouldn't have hired him."

Greg: "Well, what could we do? He was the only narrator we could afford."

Carlos: "I might have a solution to that. It's a little bit radical though."

Greg: "What is it?"

Carlos: "I've been thinking about our problem for a long time and I came to an extreme conclusion. Prepare yourself. Maybe we don't need a narrator. Maybe we could have a narrator-less story."

Narrator: "That's crazy."

Carlos: "Think about it. Instead of a narrator telling the reader what was happening we could do it, or maybe we could even do it visually."

Greg: "That's genius."

Narrator: "It'll never work."

Narrator2: "And so the narrator-less story was born, and the rest, as they say, is history."

Carlos: "That guy is much better. We should have got him."

Narrator2: "You can't afford me. I went to public school."

Narrator: "The moral of this story is this, don't let your comedy writing team look out the window when they should be working. It leads to rushed stories that make no sense, that aren't funny and invariably involve squirrels in some way."

Greg: "That was pretty good; I don't know why you would want to give up narrating."