I was trapped in a world of hatred. No one was there to be with me, to comfort me or to encourage me. I had to be strong. I even had to comfort my self, when I'm down. I never cried, even if I'm hurt, I can't. I can't even scram if I'm angry. I have to keep it to myself. I created a quite nature.



Over the years, I've become cold. I never cared about anyone or anything. I still haven't cried either. To other people, my life may seem so difficult, but not to me. Problems arrive, every 5 hours. But, I didn't care. It was nothing. But then, it just went out of my control.



I tried to commit suicide, 2 years ago. No one knew, it's not like they'll care if the know. I did it hidden from others. But a year after, it began to out of control again. I was worried; I panicked not knowing what to do. After all my thinking, I fell on the same decision: suicide.



I was no longer scared. I did it openly. Just as I expected no one cared. Not that I care if they care. So I had a few cuts here and there. I didn't even feel pain, all I felt was my skin being cut slowly, then blood madly rushing out. After all this, my life went back to normal



Since then, I never attempted anything. My life was going well. Then comes year 2002. The begging of my life this year was really good. I was voted treasurer of our level. I met lots of great people. My life went unusually well.



I know something's wrong, but I didn't mind it. I did my usual routine, in the afternoon; Take a bath, do assignments then talk on the phone. I loved talking on the phone, specially now since we have 3-way. I never talked to anyone without 3-way, it was hard for me to start a conversation, I've became a bit sadistic. I can't talk about anything happy.



But I didn't know what came over me, I called you, alone. I needed to ask you something, if Sam told something to you. It's important I know, you shouldn't know what it is. My heart was pounding hard against my chest. On the third ring you answered the phone, I didn't name myself though you instantly know my voice. I was mesmerized and forgot what I was suppose to say. Then, I finally remembered, " Did Sam say something to you?" I asked. You answered "No, why? What is it?"



It was the second time I asked her. Of course, anyone would wonder what it is. After a while, I gave in. I silently cursed as I found out I lost for the first time. I didn't want to tell her directly. I have my ways.



"What if I told you as was mad at you for s week?" I asked. You immediately got what I mean and asked why. I said, a few details but not all. You wanted to know more, but I'm too stubborn. We wondered of to different topics. Then suddenly all came spilling out, I didn't know what was happening. It's weird how I said almost all my secrets to you, who I only knew for 5 months? I wondered why. You began to share some of your problems too, I'm very happy. I finally found someone worth living for. Then I asked you. Thinking to myself, maybe the answer could be told by no one but you.



And I was right, you did know the answer. You told me, I must be fed up. I must be tired in keeping it. I cried silently, I was happy I know you. You broke my barrier, my heart of stone. It was weird. I didn't know what to think. It was getting late and we had to bid goodbye.



Before, we put down the phone you said something that shocked me. That made me brake down. You said I love you. No one said they love me ever. I happily said I love you too and put down the phone. I was very happy, I had the best sleep I had in years. I woke up with a big smile on my face, we were closer than usual. Which made people think there's something between us, but we didn't mind.



Then, you had problems, you weren't telling me about it clearly. I knew some details but not clearly. I was beginning to worry. But you said you would be okay, I trust you. But the unexpected happened, problems tumbled upon me. I didn't know what to do, you broke my barrier, and then I remembered what you said, to call you if I need someone, so I did. But you didn't have time to talk to me. I was going completely crazy.



I didn't know what to do, the only solution I can think of is the same as my decision before. Though I promised you, I didn't know what to do. You were mad at me because I broke our agreement. I was crazy, I can't have you mad at me. I was totally at the edge. Finally, I decided to jump. I wrote letter to you and my friend. I gave them to a friend who I know I can slightly trust. She didn't believe I was going to do it. She didn't give it to you



I was supposed to jump when, someone caught me, I had to stop. Then I called you, luckily you answered. You talked to me for an hour and an half. You had lots of problems lately, then you were going to hysterics. I became more worried.



I checked on you a lot ever since. Finally, you were starting to be better. But I wasn't. I hadn't slept for 2 days because of it. This time you know there's something wrong, and you'll be there for me. You told me to call you if I needed help, this time I know you'll be ready to talk to me. I didn't think you'd say you love me again because ever since your problem, you never said it.



I was surprised when you did. I replied gladly.