November 14th, 2000
No, you probably wouldn't know me if you were here to see me. You probably wouldn't think my name or smile at me if we passed each other in the halls at school, or in the mall, or even if we drove past each other in town.
No, you wouldn't remember me. But there isn't a day, in this reality, that passes without your name rushing though my head at some point.
It's been a while since I've seen you. Almost 4 years. It's been a lot longer since I talked to you. 4th grade, at least. That's 6 years. 4 years, 6 years, what's it matter? I won't get to see you again for a long time.
Will you meet me when I die? Will you know me then? I hope so. You showed me something that's taken me 4 years to realize. No human is devoid of loneliness.
You had everything going for you. You were only in 7th grade, your whole life ahead of you. But then you got dumped. And life got hard. And then, one day…you weren't there.
It's time for me to go now. I pray for you in my heart, even if you can't hear me.
November 15, 2000
Tomorrow. Gods, tomorrow's coming. And I think I might cry. Tyler? Are you there? Do you know I write these notes for you?
Do you read them as I write them? Do you peer over my shoulder to read my messy writing? Do you even need to read it?
Tomorrow, the next day, both days I'll fear the sorrow in my heart. In my soul. Gods, Tyler, I didn't know you that well. And look at me, I'm close to crying.
And what's this? I've just had the urge to turn on the radio. Puff Daddy is just starting. He's singing "Missing You". Did you do that? Gods, no I'm crying.
Thank you, Tyler. Now I know you're there. I know you remember me now.
November 15, 2000
(About 5 min later)
I've gained my composition enough to write the rest of my letter. But now the radio is playing another song that may make me cry. I don't know who it's by, or it's name. But it's got one line that catches my ear: "Your story is done, but mines just begun…"
I really do think I'm going to cry again. Please, Tyler, don't let me. I don't want to cry. And somehow, I know you won't let me cry anymore.
It's hard, you know? Sitting here, writing this, and thinking about what must have happened that night. The night when you strung your bed-sheets around something (Some said it was the fan in your room. Others said it was a pole in your closet), then tied it around your neck. I have to wonder what you thought when you realized you were going to die. Grotesquely I wonder what the last thing you saw was. What was your last thought? It scares me when I think about this.
Maybe you know this already, but I almost committed suicide once. Last year.
But that's not what this letter's about. This is an apology to you.
You sat one table away in Study Hall. And I never noticed you. I never looked at you.
And I hope you forgive me when I say this, but I don't even remember your face. Your picture wasn't even in the yearbook.
But I guess that's okay. As long as I remember that I knew you, so long ago, that's all that matters. It means the whole world.
Reading over yesterday's letter, I realize that I never went into depth with my sentence: "No human is devoid of loneliness."
This is something I have to say. I judged you as a Prep. Someone who was perfect and had everything. And for the longest time, I never knew, "Why?"
But now I know. No human is ever truly happy with all of their life. Some people just give up to easily.
But I hope you thing of me as a fighter. Because I don't plan to give into my fears yet. I don't plan to die quite so soon.
Tomorrow and the next. They will come too soon. But you know what? The instant your name enters my mind, I'll smile. Just for you. Just to let you know that I haven't given up hope yet.
Here's to you, Tyler.
Someone who will never let your memory die.
PS- Look, you didn't let me cry again. Thanks.
Dedicated to Tyler, a person I never really knew until now. Rest In Peace, Tyler.