do you think i would know?
know what? you ask
although not aloud
you know, vaguely,
what i speak of
but you never ask
i hope you never do
we're on the phone
you can't hear much
you hear me sniffle
you hear some music
you wonder what i'm thinking
but you'll never hear it
you never ask, anyway
you know that, most likely,
i'm thinking of him
and you know that, most likely,
i'm crying.
you remember the few times
it was you i was crying over
and you wonder, fleetingly,
never long enough to feel bad about it
why you never feel the shame that you should.
you always thought it was slightly beautiful
the stifled sobs
the tears you knew were falling
you never had to speak this outloud
i could tell
you told me to stop crying
that it would all turn out alright
he loved me, didn't he?
so it would all be alright
but it was half-hearted
and i knew that you
didn't hate the sound
as much as you said
we're silent for a long time
you never understood my words
or what was said in between them
and i never cared to listen
to your platitudes and your 'i'm sorry's
those are all that seemed to come
out of your mouth
why did you do that to me? i ask
i don't know, you finally reply
before it used to be reasons built upon reasons
and i shot them all down
sometimes, i know you wondered
if i could see through your mind
i know you wondered how
i could see through your lies
i know it was new for you.
someone who could eat up and spit out
lines faster than you
but i did and it ruined you
how could you? i ask
so quietly i wonder if it's said at all
its so silent on your end
that i know you must be
thinking real hard
hurt yourself, i silently hope
and you answer: i don't know.
but i know you do. i do.
i know all these answers already
even though you've tried to deny them
silence follows as i listen to you breathe
and i listen to me breathe
i sigh.
you're right. i answer.
you really don't know much of anything.