Why I won't say those 3 words…
I love you.
Maybe you'd think that I have a phobia against those 3 words. But I don't. I just feel that those words are very special and only should be said to the ones who really deserved it. But I will admit that I do have difficulty in saying those words. Every time I try to say those words to someone, I can never spit them out. Though if I'm alone, those words come out so easily…
When my girlfriend said that she loved me, I was speechless. I wanted very much to tell her that I love her too. And I really do. With all my heart and soul. But I couldn't even type those words to her either on the Internet or by SMS. I just can't… or maybe I should say that I wouldn't. When she sent me the message:
'I really don't know what's in your mind. When I left you, you blame me for hurting and upsetting you. When I say I love you, you just put it aside like you don't really care and say that you're not worth it.'
The part when I said I was not worth it was when she sent me the message:
'I never want to see u cry or sad. If I had just 1 wish, I'll make your dreams come true. Cause I have everything I need when I'm loving u. There's nothing which I can say other than... I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH..'
I said I'm not worth it as it is true. Here she is giving me her heart and here I am, someone who had hurt her deeply and more than once had made her cry. That's why I said I'm not worth it. I'm not worth the sacrifices that she is about to make for me. And that last sentence made me cry because it triggered a nerve in me. It made me feel terrible. It made me feel bad. It made me feel guilty because I can't tell her I love her. I just can't.
Another reason is also because I won't say those words. This is also the reason why I'm writing this. This is an explanation to the girl I love very much. I won't say those words because I feel that there isn't a need to. I feel that I am SHOWING her those words. Showing her with every single word of my concern, touch, hug, and smile… I felt that there isn't a need for those words as it is already 'said' in so many other ways.
But this is only what I feel… if she feels that it isn't enough, I don't know what to do as those words do not come easily. Though I have said them once. And only once in my life have I said them and really mean them to the person who I really cared about. And that person is her.
And through this, I hope that she will understand that I do love her… very much. I just won't say those words. But if she really wants me to, she'll just have to ask. And I know I'll say them. If she would just ask.