At last, the worst of it is over, Christmas has passed. It has been the toughest test in my life I have been put up too. The results show I wasn't ready. The scar on my hand shows that I finally succeeded in cutting myself, although whether it is a success or failure I don't know, the question remains standing. The odds were stacked against me but I chose to fight, and so I fought. I did well considering that the pain I was suffering emotionally was immense, I fought with ever last ounce of emotional strength I had after being attacked and wounded so deeply I thought it would take so long to recover from. A month passed and the odds were still against me, but I had made progress and the pain was showing signs of retreat but they still remain today. I sit remember what has happened, and why it happened. I know realize this was no ones fault but my own. I got myself into this mess and so it's up to me to get myself out of it, especially since it's only me who remains here in this room of depression. I fight still and I will not give up on myself. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and I don't know if I can win. This test still goes on but the results are slightly better, I'm still failing but they are much better then they we're a month ago. But now there are new challenges to add to the ordeal. The new year… I fear the pain it will throw at me, the pain I will feel all year long, the pain others will put me through. I continue to fight and even though I've made a surprising come back, it's still not enough. I wonder where I would be if this didn't happen, and I wonder what the outcome will be, and what I will gain from this. I'm now attacking myself harder by releasing my inner self through meditation. This new approach is proving effective but it can only work for so long, and I can only keep my concentration for so long. It takes time for me to be able to concentrate again. But I want to win, I don't want to give up even though I have before, I don't want to lose, not to myself, not to anyone. I will continue to fight even if I am beaten, I will find a way to fight and beat myself. This war isn't over yet. It might never be, but if I can get back in control, the attacks of pain won't be able to hurt me so hard. I must not be beaten…