I AM NOT AFRAID!!!

It's New Years Eve… Just over 11 hours till the New Year starts. I sit fearing what it will bring me. I don't want to start over again; I'm just not strong enough. I'm not ready for it, I need more time. But time is something I can't have so I have to do my best to prepare for what's going to happen. It's 12:41 PM here in Melbourne, Australia. I held a plastic knife my niece was playing with from her toy kitchen set. It was a nice butchers knife and all I could think about was bringing a real one across my wrist. To let it slip again just like Christmas Eve. What am I going to do if I let this darkness get a hold of me, this isn't right and I know I'm stronger than this, so why aren't I fighting? What's stopping me? Why am I so afraid though? What fears do I have of this New Year? I don't want to be here in the year 2003. The sound of that makes me feel like I'm in the future and I don't want to be there. I want to be in 2002 where I'm familiar with everything, where I know everyone. Not be in this futuristic world where things aren't, as I know them to be. All I want to do is go home back to when my Dad actually cared about me and there was nothing to bad happening. The world is changing and so am I, and there's nothing I can do. I don't want to die. I don't want to give up. I can't, I'm stronger than this. I wont let this darkness take a hold of me, the people I love. The people I care about. They will all be gone if I let this darkness take hold of me. Death is only an escape but where does it take us? It doesn't take us back to the beginning. So where do we escape to? I don't want to escape. I want to make things better again. I want to be happy, happy like I used to be. If I give up now, everything I've ever worked for, everything I've ever had, will have been for nothing but an escape out of life. I can't give up. I've got to fight. I want to live. I want to be with the people I love and care about. Friends, Family… I will not give up! No darkness will overcome my soul and take over my body. I will fight this New Year with all my strength. Don't worry friends… I'm not giving up this easily… It's not worth it, and so I will keep going, and fighting. Even though the war of emotions inside of me burns so much and hurts, I'm not giving up, there's nothing in this world that will make me give up as long as I have my friends and family. I AM NOT AFRAID!!!